What to do when you are confused in a relationship. Confused in a relationship with a man. Feedback about the consultation

Question to a psychologist:

Have a nice day. This is such a bad situation. I've been dating a guy for over two years. We study in different cities, but we see each other from time to time, and he comes home for the summer. But lately everything has gone wrong, he has lost interest in me and says that he has fallen out of love and we need to separate, because it will be better for both of us, so as not to drag out the problem. But I love him very much and of course I don’t want to leave him. Before, everything was wonderful with us, he was so attentive to me, said that he loved me, appreciated me, gave me flowers, talked a lot on the phone, spent a lot of time together. I went to see him often, and he was very happy about it. But in recent months things have become very bad. He says that he used to forget about everything, and he had only me in his head, all his thoughts and actions were about me and for me. He communicated little with friends, neglected his studies, and lived only for me. And now he allegedly looked at the situation soberly and says that he has fallen out of love. But nevertheless he says that he is afraid of losing me and that I am dear to him. Of course, I don’t believe, or I just don’t want to believe, that all these feelings on his part have passed. On my part, there are attempts to improve everything, since my feelings for him have not cooled, I still love him, appreciate him, respect him and want to be only with him. We used to have conversations that maybe we’d try to live together, but now he doesn’t want that anymore. Intimacy is not as frequent a guest with us as it used to be. He seems to want to be with me, but he also says that there are almost no feelings left. He is a man with an iron character, and I was glad that I melted him and thought that this would always continue. But now everything is back to how it was before me. He cooled down. I understand that things can no longer be as they were before. He doesn’t have feelings for another girl, that’s what he says for sure. It just so happened that they lost interest in me. What to do? How to proceed? How to figure this out? It’s better for us to be apart so that he can take a break from me, perhaps get bored with those times, or, on the contrary, we need to get closer and spend more time with each other in order to improve everything and rekindle his feelings for me. I would be very grateful if you help me understand this situation.

Psychologist Yulia Vladimirovna Vasilyeva answers the question.

Hello Olga!

I read your letter carefully, I regret that you had such a situation with a young man. Let's figure it out together and be sure to find a way out.

First of all, let's talk about how relationships between a man and a woman are built. The main thing you need to pay attention to is motivation. What do you need a relationship for: for sex, for spending time together, for creating a family?

Motivation determines the period of time a relationship exists. Intimate relationships will never bind people together for a long time, because this does not require responsibility and serious feelings, just love or sympathy, or, in extreme cases, passion. Therefore, relationships built on sex will soon end. Spending time together brings people together over common interests, friends or activities. Such relationships can develop into serious ones when people realize how they complement each other and have so much in common. When relationships are aimed at creating a family, then in this case, people create an alliance with responsibility and build their future together on love and trust. Then there will be no reason for thoughts to arise: “I’ve fallen out of love,” or “we are completely different people.” Therefore, when people are looking for their soul mate, they pay attention to common interests, that is, they must be connected by something other than pastels and passion. Interests can be different: art, sports, travel, handicrafts, books and much more. It is also important, after talking with a person, to understand what his life priorities are and whether they correspond to yours. For example: the priority may be family, children, parents, friends, work, hobbies. Where do you have them? So that it doesn’t turn out that for you, family comes first, and for a young man, his friends come first. This is already a reason for conflict. It is imperative to discuss the issue of finances, their distribution, and the desire to work. There are families where only the husband works, and the wife raises the children. And of course, common goals. If you agree and are ready to build a future together, what goals do you set for yourself? For example, finish your studies and move to live in Europe. Or, get married and immediately have children. Or work actively and buy a joint apartment. Pay attention to these facts, they will help you understand your relationship with a young man and understand whether it makes sense to continue developing it or whether it is better to end it. You can discuss these issues together, then you will definitely understand your motivation and his.

If you are convinced, Olga, that the relationship can still be saved, then pay attention to communication. Communication brings people very closely together. It should be every day, so that you feel each other, see each other, say, as often as possible, how much you love each other. Spend more time together: walk, go to the cinema, plays or concerts, discuss common topics, books, films, communicate with interesting people, make common plans for the future. If the young man still insists on breaking up with you, give him this right. Offer to take a break in the relationship; there will be time for you and him to analyze and understand what you are building on and how long you are ready to be together. But don’t let them take advantage of your trust and feelings, because this is one of the methods of manipulation. Today he is ready to be near you, and tomorrow he realized that he has stopped loving you. A man who is ripe for a serious relationship with a woman knows what he wants. His actions and decisions are quite adequate and decisive. I understand, Olga, that you have feelings and emotional attachment, but at the same time do not lose your dignity and value as a woman.

Hello Olga! I decided to contact you because... I was confused not only in relationships but also in myself. I am 38. I have lived with my husband for 11 years. Almost always we lived only on what I earned. He constantly lied, even about small things. But at the same time, he was a sensitive and caring husband. We didn’t have children for a very long time, long treatment, tears of despair on my part, persuasion on his part. He supported me very much at that moment (morally). Then a miracle happened - our daughter was born. But it turned out that my husband was sick with hepatitis C. Then I supported him. And 4, 5 years ago, serious problems began in our family. As soon as the child was born, my husband began to disappear from home for a long time, although he came to spend the night, but I felt that something was wrong. After some time, my friends and relatives began to call me and say that my husband had borrowed money from them and was not paying them back, then they began to come and call from several banks. To all my questions and hysterics, my husband avoided answering and left. Then he disappeared for a week, he called and said that I wasn’t looking for him. At this time, some strange people began to come to us, demanded money and made threats (and my husband was hiding at the time)... this went on for six months. I still don’t know where he spent the money. I couldn’t stand it and in the end everything was heading towards divorce. At that moment I met my friend. And simple communication grew into feelings. We started dating. another six months later I divorced and he left his second wife with a small child (although they were not registered). And now, 3.5 years after we met, he proposed to me. Everything would be fine, but all this time my ex-husband did not leave me alone - he called me, looked for meetings, told me HOW much he loved me, asked me to marry again. The second man also says that he loves, although there is no physical or material help from him. I believe that after this the register will be the same. And now I began to doubt... where should I rush... My ex-husband essentially put my child and I at risk back then. It's hard for me to forget this horror. But I understand that I can’t live with a second man either - he has 2 children from different women. And also his mother - she doesn’t let anyone near him - she eliminated all his women. And I will apparently suffer the same fate. His relatives do not communicate with me because... They think that I destroyed his second family. He divorced the first one because his wife started drinking. But on the other hand, he works, is responsible, and most importantly does not lie. So now they are asking me to get married at the same time. I went to a psychologist, she advised me to take a time out and figure myself out and that maybe someone wouldn’t wait and everything would be resolved by itself. I didn’t communicate with them for 3 weeks, I said I’ll think about it. But on the designated day, they took turns telling me that they couldn’t live without me and that they were moving to live with me. It would be funny if it weren't so sad... Give me some advice...should I throw myself into the same river twice or start from scratch?

Hi all. I want to hear opinions from the outside, since I myself am no longer able to understand myself and my life. My boyfriend and I have been living together for 6 years, not married. Not married, because the guy keeps saying: later, later. Either you need to get back on your feet, then work at work for at least a year, or start getting a bigger salary. He promised that we would get married this summer. I no longer hope, and I don’t know whether I want this or not. He is reserved by nature, but he starts easily. When we first started dating, we had a lot in common, in particular, we both loved learning something new (reading, studying, studying). Over these 6 years, we became not only boyfriend and girlfriend, but also best friends. Both are introverts, there are no actual friends, only acquaintances. He works, he will never deceive, he will help if necessary, he will not refuse. At one time he dropped out of school and never returned to it. From time to time he had impulses. I always supported him in everything, helped him. Because I always believed that everything should be achieved together. I used to think that our relationship would be forever, but now... I don’t know. He has changed a lot lately. He has a categorical attitude towards everything. He works at a factory where he cannot work for a long time, especially with his health. But there is no way out, because... he is uneducated. His parents and I keep telling him, let’s do it, at least some kind of education is needed, because anything can happen in life. And he: I don’t want to be a nerd. It’s like he’s 26 years old, but he’s being thrown from one extreme to another. I ask why you got the idea that if you study, you will definitely be a nerd. To which he replies: I will ruin my health in this study, and I don’t like studying. Although literally two months ago, he had such a desire to go to study, he sat studying. I just don’t understand what he wants anymore. Either he wants it or he doesn’t want it. I always knew what I wanted from life, but living with him, I was already confused myself. Now he has thrown himself headlong into this boxing, after work he goes to training three times a week, and arrives at 11 o’clock. Every evening he goes to the stadium and studies until the evening. In principle, I don't mind! Let him if he wants. But he is so carried away by it that he simply does not see any other goals in life. For example, our apartment is undergoing renovation. My mother helps us with him, or rather how she helps: we do everything ourselves... After leaving, she said, at least peel off the wallpaper, I’ll come and paint the walls. As a result: nothing has been done. I don’t know how to do everything myself... I think we should both do everything. By the way, we live in my apartment. That is, he doesn’t care that the prints are not nailed down, that the socket is not made. He needs to be repeated many times, and most importantly, so as not to offend. And then in two weeks he will do it. To be honest, I'm tired. I understand that he works and gets tired at work. But I also work! And I have time to clean up and cook food. Yes, I don’t always succeed. Of course, his work and mine cannot be compared, mine is easier, but still. After work, he devotes all his energy to these training sessions. As a man around the house, he doesn’t do anything... Even when they installed a countertop in the kitchen, I myself had to seal everything with sealant... Basically, if you talk to him calmly, ask him to start helping, he will agree and say: of course, my love. But that's all. To be honest, I don’t know, but will it be the same in the future? All your strength for these workouts. And I alone decide everything. He tells me that you work at your favorite job, but I don’t, and, they say, boxing is my hobby, I wanted to become a boxer since childhood, but my parents allegedly ruined his dream. Another drawback is that he blames everyone. He has very cool parents (this is one of the reasons why I don’t want to break up with him, although I understand that I don’t live with them, but with a guy). He says they didn't send him to study where he wanted. Allegedly, they simply fooled his brains, driving him into his head that he needed to go to study for a technical specialty. Although he applied to the university himself, and his parents are to blame... When he says that he doesn’t like his job, I answer him: go and finish your studies while your age allows, and get another job. And he: they don’t get much from the tower... In short, he stands his ground. I understand that I am not his mother to advise and guide him. But we kind of planned to start a family! And here you go... Work, boxing, work boxing. Yes, in principle, it doesn’t matter to me whether he has a tower or not, I don’t really look at the salary, but the point is that this box is so ingrained in his head that he can’t see beyond it. He comes home from work and immediately watches a video on YouTube about boxing, and then the next thing. a day for training... We don’t go anywhere, because there’s no money. On vacation, I bought round-trip tickets for us myself; he didn’t really care where I’d get the money for the tickets (I saved it up). In general, he himself does nothing. He says that if a boy is born, we will send him to martial arts so that he does not grow up to be a mattress, otherwise they will suddenly offend him, so that he can stand up for himself. In principle, I agree, but knowing my boyfriend, I feel that in the future the child will not see anything except boxing. .. And I thought that I would send my child to some classes in English. After all, he once agreed with me 100%! There was even such a case: at work (at work!!!) he decided to box with some guy, they say, he also does boxing. As a result: he comes with a black eye. At home, instead of a cozy atmosphere, there is always some kind of negativity in the air because of this boxing: everywhere are his sports equipment, mouthguard, boxing gloves, helmet, belts... Tired of it... Constantly the sounds of fighting from this computer... Why is this? Although he has advantages: if necessary, he will wash the dishes, and he will regret it, and I know for sure that he will never change... Yesterday we tried to break up with him, I cried so, damn it, and I love him and have already gotten used to it, over the years I have become the closest person to me... Plus, I’m such a person: I don’t like parties, get-togethers, companies, I’m a very homely girl. And I think that if we break up, it’s unlikely that I’ll meet anyone... I’m confused, I don’t want anything anymore. We live and live, but I don’t know what will happen next... We no longer have common interests. I tell him, get a foreign passport, we’ll fly somewhere in the winter, save up money, he: yeah, I’ll do it. As a result, it’s already the second month... I’m sick of it... What do you recommend... Maybe we’re just different... But it’s very painful to break up like this... I can’t cry, at night I stupidly wake up at four in the morning and look to the ceiling...

Yesterday I spent the whole evening thinking about my assignment. I can’t say what exactly will happen in a year, but I want to assume the development from separation to a year.
I often visit his house, I feel comfortable and good there. Sometimes, sitting with him, I think that it will be quite difficult if I do not have the opportunity to be here again. Sometimes I think the same thing when we fall asleep. At night, not the most pleasant thoughts about our separation constantly come. In general, all people disagree sooner or later, I think this is inevitable. At first, of course, it will be difficult for me, because I am too accustomed to this way of life: in the evenings, cook dinner, spend time together, chat, have sex. In the morning, shared breakfast and coffee. I understand perfectly well that this is probably the life of most people, and with another man I will do the same. I have a daughter. Due to the fact that I am stuck in this relationship, I devote little time to her. I want to spend more time with my boyfriend, I often give my daughter to my grandmother to go to him. When we are not together, I do not find a place for myself, I think about where he is and with whom, and therefore, again, I cannot distract myself from these thoughts with anything and I devote little time to my daughter, even when we are with her. After breaking up with my boyfriend, I think that my life, if it doesn’t get better, is certainly no worse. Having survived the breakup, suffered and suffered for a couple of months, I will get back on my feet and look at life around me. What's stopping me from doing this now? Dependence on him, on his mood, on his desire. Without him I will become more independent, but I want to get rid of this by staying with him. I cherish the hope that he will invite me and my daughter to live with him, we will be together and I will not need to leave the child with my grandmother every time to go to him and see him. I will pay attention to other men. Now I don’t do this, because again I’m tied to him. The other day another man confessed to me that he liked me and was very desirable to him, but the strange thing for me was that when I woke up in the morning, I felt guilty before my boyfriend, as if I had cheated on him. I can't understand where this feeling comes from. After a breakup, not much will actually change. I will also wake up in the morning, take my daughter to kindergarten, and go to work. In the evening, return home and cook dinner. Only now it’s all without him. Nothing more to say.
When I was still thinking about this essay, last night, I was worried, a couple of times even tears rolled down. In the morning I perceived these thoughts much calmer. While writing an essay, from time to time I clenched my hands into fists and unclenched them. I was fiddling with my lips, thinking about how to write. Hands shake slightly.

Good afternoon, dear specialist! My name is Elena, I am 30 years old. My family is falling apart! My husband and I have known each other for a long time, we studied together in the 5th grade, then we met when we were 22 years old, he was ending the relationship, I was also free, he looked at me as a woman, and we started a relationship, everything was wonderful in life everything was there, I didn’t want to leave, they loved, they fought, everything! I fell in love with him very much, blindly, wildly, I did everything for him. We have been married for 8 years, for all 8 years we were unable to have a child, we were diagnosed with infertility. I had many men before my husband, and I am his 4th woman, my husband has the position that physical betrayal is unacceptable (namely sex), my husband found a hobby for off-road (SUV racing in the mud), self-esteem went up, 4 years ago he got carried away a girl on a trip to St. Petersburg with a company, he was drunk, kisses, but nothing more, he wanted to leave me, he immediately plunged into the pool, then I forgave, he stayed, we got married, tried to be treated for infertility, unsuccessfully. And now I’m 2 months pregnant, he was surprised, but I didn’t see much joy! And here I found correspondence between him and the girl, it was his love 12 years ago, she left him then, he wrote that he still loved her, he no longer had that feeling for me, he was ready to leave me, and nothing would stop him , I cried, was hysterical (I tried to say that it was difficult to build again, I broke it). Since December they had only been corresponding, and on April 24 they met, he invited her and her friend for a ride, there were memories, as he says, something flashed, a kiss, nothing else happened. At some point I let him go, said, go, he rushed to her, on the last day we had crazy sex, and that’s it, he left me, I packed my things and went to my parents. The next day he called and said that if I still want, he is ready to stay with me, he wants this, but the feelings are gone, in front of me he called the girl and said that everything was between them (I pressed), to meet her refused the request, deleted her phone number, her friend’s, profiles on classmates’ websites, contact, and stayed, I started inventing men for myself, trying to watch his reaction, he was jealous. He says that the feeling for me is deeper, but he reconsidered the word love. She says, Lena, tell yourself STOP, don’t remind me of her, don’t disturb and don’t torment me, I’m with you, and I don’t know how to live on, because he loves her, or how else can this be understood. I'm confused, how to live!!!??? I have a long-awaited pregnancy, but I’m nervous, I smoke a lot, although I quit before, I can’t eat. They found some kind of infection in me, solely due to pregnancy, and I, realizing that it was vile, said that you picked up something from her through a kiss, it turns out that you are ready for the lowest acts for the sake of love, after that he fell for me at my feet and said that I would never approach any woman again, swore by our child (I asked myself). I'm a loving monster!!!
Thanks in advance for your answer!

Elena, Moscow, 30 years old

Family psychologist's answer:

Hello, Elena.

First we lose, then we get it back by all means, and after that we don’t know what to do with it next. You are in approximately the same situation. You have achieved what you wanted, your husband remains, the long-awaited pregnancy, you just need to stop yourself from thinking about the bad. There was no betrayal, and there is no point in reminding us once again of what is already behind us. It is unknown what feelings he is experiencing, perhaps a banal passion, reinforced by past memories. As for love, I will not give definitions, since for each person it is something different. A concept that includes not only words, but also warmth, respect, affection, passion, etc. Love, forgive, enjoy life! Pleasant worries and moments await you soon.

Sincerely, Belomoytseva Natalya Alekseevna.