The child lies all the time about what to do. What to do if a child is lying? Age-related characteristics of children's lies

Many parents periodically catch their children telling lies. Kids tend to come up with different stories, embellish facts and fantasize. If you do not respond to this in any way, the child will continue to lie at an older age and will grow up to be a pathological liar. How to wean a child from lying? Take the advice of psychologists - they will help you establish a trusting relationship with your son or daughter and make sure that your child always tells you the truth.

Children's lies - normal or pathological?

According to a number of psychologists, the tendency to lie is a normal stage of child development. Everything that a baby sees, hears and feels in the first years of life is new and incomprehensible to him. A child has to process a lot of information and learn to use it every day.

For an adult it is obvious what is fact and what is fiction, but a child has yet to understand this. His logical thinking is at the stage of formation. Therefore, the baby sincerely believes in Santa Claus, the old woman and the fairy tales that his parents tell him. If a child cannot understand or explain something, he uses his imagination. At certain moments, reality and fantasy mix with each other. As a result, parents catch the child in a lie, although the child himself is sincerely confident that he is telling the truth.

It’s another matter if children consciously begin to lie. This usually happens if adults forbid something to a child. In this case, the kid begins to think about how to achieve what he wants, and the most obvious way is to cheat. Children’s logic is something like this: “If it’s not possible this way, then it will be possible if I say it differently.” Therefore, children begin to consciously lie and manipulate adults. It is important for parents to take action in time, otherwise innocent children's deception will turn into a habit of always achieving what they want with the help of lies.

Reasons for children's lies

Children often tell lies because they mistake their fantasies for reality. However, children's lies can be quite conscious. There are a variety of reasons for this, including:

the desire to get what parents prohibit;
lack of attention from parents or the desire to appear better than he really is;
fear of punishment for wrongdoing;
self-justification;
dissatisfaction with living conditions;
failure to meet parental expectations;
pathological lie.

Let's take a closer look at the reasons for children's lies to make it easier for parents to understand what is happening to their child.

The desire to get what parents forbid

Example: The child has already eaten sweets, but wants more. He tells mom that dad allowed him to take candy (even though he hasn’t come home from work yet). “I didn’t know how long it was, so I was late home”... etc.

Solution to the problem: stop banning everything. Kids begin to lie if they constantly hear the word “impossible,” because this causes protest. Therefore, they try to use lies to defend their interests. Review the prohibitions, reduce their number and leave only those that directly relate to the child’s health, safety, educational issues, regime, and food traditions. Only if you give your child more independence will he be able to learn to take responsibility for his actions. It wouldn’t hurt to tell your child that you can get what you want not only through deception. Tell him that you just need to ask for the same toy, explaining why it is so needed. In addition, the child must understand that it is important to behave well - then adults will reward him for his obedience.

Lack of attention from parents or the desire to seem better than he really is

Example: the child began to seriously talk about his superpowers - incredible strength, dexterity, intelligence, courage, endurance - although for an adult it is obvious that the child is trying to pass off wishful thinking.

Solution to the problem: How should parents feel about this? What about lies or what about fantasy? If the baby is lying and trying to pass off wishful thinking, this is an alarming signal. It indicates that the child is looking for ways to interest close people, which means he lacks warmth, affection, attention and support from his parents. Let your baby feel your love. Give your child more attention and develop your child's abilities. Explain that each person has his own talents. Some are good at skateboarding, some sing or dance great, and some know everything about the Egyptian pyramids or space. So you need to develop and show your real abilities, and then no one will consider you a liar or a braggart. Read books and children's encyclopedias with him, go for walks, and communicate. Take your child to some club or sports section. This way he will develop his real abilities, become more self-confident and be able to brag about his real achievements.

Fear of punishment for wrongdoing

Example: the child broke a vase and is trying to shift the blame onto the cat or younger brother so that he is not scolded, deprived of something good, or, worse, beaten.

Solution to the problem: Be calmer in your relationship with your baby, punish him only for serious offenses, but not too harshly. If a child is shouted at for the smallest offense, threatened with spanking, constantly deprived of sweets and watching TV, he begins to be afraid of his own parents. By punishing the child too often and severely, parents provoke his desire to avoid them in any way. Make decisions based on the fact: if your child breaks a cup, let him clean it up; if he offends someone, let him apologize; if he breaks a toy, let him try to fix it himself; if he gets a bad mark, he needs to study and fix it. These conditions are fair. They do not insult the dignity of a little person, so the need for lies disappears by itself.

Self-justification

Example: the child did something bad and tries his best to justify himself - he babbles something incomprehensible, finds thousands of excuses, blames other people to justify himself and tells how much he was offended (“He started it first”). After which a story is given about how the offender started first, what offenses he caused, etc. Note that the “offender” tells a similar story.

Solution to the problem: support your child in any situation and discuss with him everything that happens in his life. Children's lies aimed at self-justification are very difficult to eradicate. Pride does not allow the child to admit he is guilty, so he looks for ways to whitewash himself. Talk to him softly and friendly, explain that you will not stop loving him, even if he was the first to take away another boy’s toy or get into a fight. When a child is confident that his parents will support him in any situation, he will begin to trust them more.

Dissatisfaction with living conditions

Example: the child began to invent incredible stories about his parents, that his parents were very rich, constantly giving him toys, taking him to the sea, to distant countries, that his dad was often shown on TV. These dreams of a better existence indicate the child’s dissatisfaction with his social status. A child can understand such things already at 3-4 years old, and at 5 years old he will already have a good understanding of who is rich and who is poor.

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Solution to the problem: try to fulfill the child’s wishes at least sometimes and fight. Already at the age of 3-4 years, children begin to realize that people differ in social status, and by the age of 5, a clear understanding of wealth and poverty comes. In kindergarten there is always a child who was given more gifts for his birthday, who spent the summer with his parents more interestingly. This causes envy, and the baby begins to voice his dreams, passing them off as reality.

If a child is lying because he considers himself worse than other children due to his lower social status, look for an opportunity to give him at least part of what he dreams of. Maybe not “just like that,” but so that the child puts in a little of his own effort . Regarding “greedy” preschoolers who uncontrollably want to get all the toys on earth, explain that this is unrealistic, but it is possible to receive good gifts from time to time.

Failure to meet parental expectations

Example: the girl loves to draw, and her mother sees her as a musician; the boy wants to enroll in a radio club, and his dad sees him as a talented translator. While their parents are away from home, they draw and design, and then lie that they were diligently studying music or English. Or a child with quite average abilities, whom his parents want to see as an excellent student, talks about the bias of his teachers, justifying his low level of success.

Solution to the problem: Unfortunately, it happens that the expectations of parents are a heavy burden for children. Often adults want their children to do something that they couldn’t do. Think about whether your expectations contradict the child’s inclinations and interests? It is dishonest to force him to show abilities and achieve goals instead of you (in accordance with your unfulfilled childhood dreams), “for you in childhood.” For example, a mother could not become a translator, and now she is forcing her son to learn a foreign language. These expectations may not correspond to the baby's interests. Parents should listen to the wishes of their children. Not wanting to upset a loved one, the child will begin to lie and dodge, but still will not achieve success in an unloved activity. It’s better to let your child go his own way - then there will be less deception in your family.

Pathological lies

Example: the child constantly uses lies for selfish purposes - he lies that he did his homework in order to be allowed to go out, shifts the blame onto someone else in order to avoid punishment, etc.

Solution to the problem: specialist help is required. Pathological lying is a fairly rare phenomenon in childhood. If a child constantly deceives, tries to manipulate others, then he needs to be shown to a psychologist. He will help you choose a solution for your specific case.

How does lying manifest itself in children of different ages?

Parents may hear the first lie from their 3-4 year old children. By the age of 6, the child is already aware of his actions and understands that he is lying. However, in general, it can be difficult to understand whether the child is lying consciously or really believes what he came up with.

As a child grows up, the motives that push him to cheat also change:

4-5 years. Children of this age have a wild imagination. They still believe in fairy tales, magic and often confuse reality with the fictional world. Often preschoolers lie unconsciously - they simply wishful thinking (these are the characteristics of their development). Therefore, what a child says at 4-5 years old cannot be regarded as a lie. You need to treat this as a fantasy.

7-9 years old. At this age, all a person’s actions and words become conscious. Schoolchildren are already able to draw the line between their fantasies and reality. They begin to deceive intentionally, exploring the possibilities of lies, using them for their own purposes. If a child begins to lie often, parents should be wary. Serious problems can be hidden behind constant lies.

How to explain to a child that lying is bad?

Children's lies are a problem that needs to be eliminated. If you notice that your child is trying to use lies for his own benefit, first of all you need to analyze the child’s behavior, talk frankly with him and try to understand the reason for the dishonesty. After all, children usually don’t lie just like that; certain circumstances always push them to do so. Once you understand them, you can find a way to stop children's lies.

Use the following tips to convey to your child that deceiving other people is not good:

Talk to your child more often, discuss topics of good and evil. Examples include situations from movies, cartoons, and fairy tales. The child must understand that happiness, success and luck accompany positive heroes, and good always defeats evil.
Prove the inadmissibility of lying by personal example. If dad, while at home, asks mom to answer the phone and say that he is not there, the child develops a loyal attitude towards lies. Do not allow such situations, demand honesty from your household.
Tell your child that there is a “polite lie,” which involves treating people tactfully in order not to offend them (for example, when you didn’t like a birthday present).

Distinguish between fantasy and deception. Remember that preschoolers often have a blurred line between fiction and reality. If your child’s imagination is too active, perhaps he simply has nothing to do - diversify the child’s leisure time.
Don't punish people for cheating. Your screams, indignation and scandals will only tell the child that the lie should be hidden more strongly and, as a result, will lead to the fact that the child will not stop lying, but will only begin to hide his lies better.

For the need to lie to disappear, the child must be sure that close people:

trust him and each other;
they will never humiliate him;
will take his side in a controversial situation;
will not be scolded or rejected;
will support you in any difficult situations and give good advice;
If they punish you, it will be fair.

It is better to teach a child not to lie than to punish him all the time. Do you want your child to be honest? Make truth a cult in your family. Praise your child for being honest.

We also read:

Video plot: a child is lying. What to do?

Children's lies - an interview with child psychologist Alexandra Bondarenko

The concept of a healthy atmosphere in the family also includes the factor of normal relationships between close people, when they do not need to hide anything from each other, lie, or dodge. But what to do if the child is lying? The problem is serious and often entails global consequences, but try to pull yourself together and understand the reasons for this phenomenon.

Understanding when a child is telling a lie is usually quite simple. Only by the age of seven or eight do children (and even then not all of them) become excellent actors, but even then they unconsciously tell lies. The child does not look you in the eyes, sometimes his hand reaches to his mouth or touches his face, he coughs or fiddles with his ear. Another characteristic gesture is to hide his hands in his pockets or put them behind his back. Of course, attentive parents will notice not only these, but also other manifestations of uncharacteristic behavior.

Punish immediately? It’s too simple and also not always fair. Give up your emotions. You need to make decisions about your actions carefully. A child's lies show a lack of trust in you. Consider whether this behavior is also your fault.

A child is lying: possible reasons

We all know well: sometimes, in order to make your life easier and avoid all sorts of troubles, you need to lie. This, if you like, is one of the manifestations of the instinct of self-preservation. A lie is a means by which you can protect yourself, especially if there are only prohibitions around. You can derive certain benefits from it, get out of unfavorable situations with dignity, and stop contacts with unwanted individuals. And you can use it to attack someone. So what is a lie - perhaps a stereotype of behavior that we simply adopt from our environment?

Lies as a signal of problems

No one is born a liar, this is not a character trait inherent in nature. Think about why children lie: in this way they can convey to us a signal that not everything is in order in their lives. Do not rush to punish yourself for not instilling moral values in your offspring and not teaching them to respect their elders. The reason may not be that he doesn't respect you or doesn't love you. There are a lot of motives. And here are just a few of them.

"Testing the soil". Your son or daughter is trying to understand how you will react to deception.
Self-defense. The child wants to avoid punishment for unsightly actions, ridicule or “general shame.”
The desire to impress, attract attention, evoke emotions. Everything is used: from “my uncle is a celebrity” to “my dad hurts me all the time.”
Manipulation. A child may tell one adult that another allows him to do something when in fact it is prohibited.
Fantasy. The least harmless and disinterested type of deception, game, fun - moreover, useful for development.

So, the more “dangers”, prohibitions, the more shameful it is to tell the truth - the more tricks you need to come up with. These are completely natural reasons for children's lies.

Sometimes lying can be justified. But if a lie is aimed at causing harm to someone, if it is vile slander, intrigues, the essence of which the child himself understands, this can and should be fought. But only without arranging interrogations and without “beating out” the truth. If a son or daughter really did not want to harm someone, you need to figure out what exactly is preventing them from being frank with loved ones.

The child is afraid

The most common reason why a child lies is fear. Children are afraid that they will be punished and humiliated. They are capable of painfully worrying even about things that seem trivial to us. They are afraid of upsetting or disappointing, or even becoming rejected or unloved. Is it because your parents threaten: “If you do this, I won’t love you anymore!”? And this means that mutual understanding is broken.

Perhaps a child or teenager is judged in cases where they would like support and love. Perhaps even for a small offense they are seriously punished. Maybe they just want to make sure they care about their family. If the sense of security and trust is undermined, you will find that the child constantly lies. At the same time, he often does not think about the consequences at all, and lying becomes an absolutely natural activity for him.

Bad example of elders

Seeing how strained relations are between relatives, the child, willy-nilly, finds himself between two fires, since he communicates with both, loves them all, but understands that they are too dissatisfied with communication with each other. Naturally, he begins to “yes assent” to the opinion of the side on which he is currently located. Because it is important for him not to become an object of hatred, and he simply adjusts.

If you think it is right to sometimes lie in front of your children (and they clearly understand that you are not telling the truth), do not be surprised why children lie. They imitate adults and sincerely believe that lying does not mean doing something out of the ordinary.

Save or take revenge

Even in fairy tales, villains can be shown a different path so that they do not overtake the fleeing heroes. Children are quite capable of “white lies”, and from a very early age (from about four years old). And if they write not just to shield themselves or someone else, but really want to protect someone, one can hardly blame them for this. Whether the person they are trying to protect is worth such actions is another matter.

It happens that a child lies because it seems to him that he is not loved. Lies become a kind of revenge for “lost” love. In addition, if children feel rejected, unwanted, they may try to attract attention and somehow stand out from the rest, even if they receive a negative reaction from their parents, including severe punishment. This will happen again and again. This resembles masochism, but some children really seek attention in at least this way.

Age of lying: childhood and adolescence

Initially, children do what they want or like, without thinking about how correct it is. The job of adults is to correctly explain when actions do not correspond to the norm, and tell why. Swearing and scandals can only achieve the fact that a child can begin to lie at an unexpectedly early age. This whole complex story begins with the usual attempt to hide bad deeds so as not to be punished.

Already at 5 years old, children have a well-developed “internal monologue”; they can modify their thoughts, while composing details well. They already have an idea of what can be said, what should be kept silent, and what should be told in a completely different way. “What can I do so that they don’t scold me anymore? - the kid thinks. “What do I need to say to be praised?” Children begin to lie much more often, and it becomes more difficult to expose them, especially since children can influence their peers or adults who treat them well - they will, voluntarily or unwittingly, take part in deception.

At school age (7 years+), children lie even more convincingly. Psychologists associate this with an increase in vocabulary and brain development in general. In addition, one should not underestimate children's insight: the child already understands how other people think and are guided by what. The lies become more sophisticated. By the age of eight or nine, your child can deceive in such a way that it is sometimes impossible to expose him. By telling all sorts of tall tales to family, friends, and classmates, the child not only feels like a hero, he also believes more and more in what he is saying. This creates a kind of alternative reality that is controllable - in contrast to some threatening, incomprehensible external circumstances.

At the age of 10, the young dreamer realizes that adults place too high demands on him, “make mountains out of molehills” and periodically humiliate him (including in front of others) with moral teachings and lectures. Already at this time, the child is not so much afraid of punishment as he wants to escape from obsessive control, show his independence or defend himself. At the same time, deep down in his soul he is still looking for recognition and support. He knows that if his parents notice his lies, it means they care about him.

At this age, children often have “high expectations.” Fear of disappointing loved ones, confidence that the future depends on behavior and grades - this is what pushes “exemplary” schoolchildren to lie. Realizing that they do not meet expectations, they protect themselves from the overwhelming burden of responsibility.

The teenager wants more freedom, a kind of autonomy. He again creates for himself another reality that he can control, his private life. At this age, a lie is not always something monstrous - when forming a personal space, a boy or girl wants to let only the “chosen ones” into it, and this is a sign of growing up.

A rebellious teenager wants to be independent and does not want to report to anyone, even his parents, where he goes and what he does. Even if lying was not previously a “regular practice,” parents may be surprised to find that their growing offspring is lying more often. He is silent, denies the obvious, shields his friends (in his opinion, this is quite noble).

The child steals and lies - again, keep negative emotions to yourself. Stay alone with your child. Give a negative assessment of his action, but at the same time remind him that you are not going to fight with the person you love very much. Outline the consequences, tell how upset someone who has lost something or money might be, how his plans are now ruined. Analyze the situation in as much detail as possible, encourage the child to talk: he should see that they want to listen to him. If thefts and lies are repeated, be patient. None of us are perfect. Talk again and explain that your loved one's well-being is very important to you. Get advice on how to fix what has been done. And if he is clearly expecting punishment, just forgive him.

If you are faced with similar problems, think about your child:

whether he feels that he is deprived of something;
do you and other family members pay enough attention to him;
do you take into account his opinion and interests;
Are you too controlling of him (so that he wants to defend himself from obsession);
Are you keeping your promises?

Remember: the habits of youth will only develop and improve over the years, and an adult will rather strive to dodge than to stand his ground.

Here are tips from psychologists on how to teach a child to be honest. Be prepared for the fact that you will have to listen to him the truth about your relationship. Encourage people to talk about their feelings in general and in relation to you in particular, and, naturally, impressions should not be only positive. Otherwise, the desire to hide your emotions is again untrue. Don't create this vicious circle.

Be a fair realistic and provide this opportunity to your child. Instead of causing a scandal, calmly communicate that you know the truth, but that you are worried and wondering how you can help. Sincerely tell your child that you love him, and he does not need to try to invent something that did not happen in order to deserve good treatment. A lie is a request for support and love, not for punishment. And in general, you cannot reduce all communication with children only to some rules of obedience, thus making them “comfortable” for yourself.
Say: “I know you lied because you didn’t want to upset me.”. Or: “I see that you did it by accident, you didn’t mean to.” And continue: “But it would be better if you told the truth, because lies make me very upset.” By doing this, you show that you understand the motive behind the lie, and this must be expressed out loud so that the child correctly understands what is happening and your adequate reaction.
The importance of being honest must be demonstrated by example.. Remember that children don't just imitate you and learn behavior patterns - they want to be like you. Prove that there is nothing shameful in admitting what you did. Always praise for honesty, say that trust and respect are above all and losing it is very bad.
Is your child bragging or making up stories? Spend more time with him, pay more attention. When talking about his behavior, don't get personal. And don’t attach labels like “liar”, “deceiver”. After all, it’s not the person himself who is “bad”, it’s his actions that are bad.

It is important to create an atmosphere in which no one wants to cheat. Isn’t it wonderful when everyone can trust each other with a secret, any actions can be discussed and count on help! The most serious offenses always have an underlying reason that cannot be seen unless you try to talk. Talk about yourself - how you regulate unpleasant situations, face defeats, problems, how you correct your mistakes. Take an interest in children's lives. If you had to lie in front of your children, be sure to explain why you did it and what motivated you.

In other words, be honest yourself, and you won’t have to think about how to stop your child from lying. Encourage the truth, especially when it is very difficult to tell. Treat everything with understanding, explain what is bad and what is good. Think about what needs to change to solve the problem. This is the key to a good, trust-filled relationship between you and your child - both in the present and in the future!

There are children who are inclined to lie, and there are children who are not inclined to lie. It seems that in many ways they are born this way: for one child it is absolutely easy and natural to lie, he lies as if he were breathing, and it is strange for him that he needs to limit himself to some kind of truth in the selection of words that will benefit him. But for another child, lying is just as painful as breaking oneself; he has an innate sense of truth, it is difficult for him to lie and he believes others because he does not understand how one can tell a lie. On the other hand, the role of adults is very great: next to some parents, even children with the character of honest angels begin to lie, and next to others, lying stops, because lying next to them is both impossible, stupid, and inappropriate.

Bottom line: if your child never lies to you, perhaps it’s not your fault, but you’re just lucky. Likewise, if a child lies to you, do not give up either on the child or on yourself as a parent: this does not mean anything and no one can establish the reason for this. All that can and should be done is to look for solutions. In any case, for most normal parents, all the troubles with their children’s lies stop as the children grow up, so do two things at the same time: calmly wait for a bright future and energetically think, think, look for better solutions.

First, general recommendations. First: do not provoke provocations. If you tirelessly catch children lying, you can catch almost anyone, but if you catch them and finish them off: “You’re lying!”, “You’re lying to me again!” - most likely, your children will give in to you and agree with you that they are pathological liars. Don't do this. Suggestions "You always lie!" or “Why are you growing up to be such a liar!” - the worst thing you can tell those you raise.

How will be correct?

It’s right to start with the most banal thing - with a personal example. If you yourself do not like to lie and in your environment it is natural to tell the truth, this is a good background. If the husband deceives his wife by dating another woman, and the son sees this, if the wife lies to her husband that she has no money and nothing to wear, and the daughter knows, if you threw out the hamster, but say that “he ran away on his own” ... - in such an atmosphere it is difficult to tell children that lying is not good. Children are our mirror. Start living as decently as possible, if only to have less trouble from your own children who will mirror you.

The next one is a less obvious and psychologically subtle solution, namely the “positive translator”. If a brother and sister are sitting together playing computer games against the backdrop of a strict ban, accusing them of violating the ban will only result in a half-hearted lie that “we didn’t come at all, and now we were just checking the mail.” Perhaps your personal confidential conversation with your son will lead to better results: “Volodya, come here, let me hug you, I missed you and Nastya during the day. Listen, is Nastya all right? Well, okay... I saw you sitting with with her at the computer, and I think that you did this not by chance. I know that she has a difficult situation at school now, she is very worried, and being with you is very important for her now. When you are next to her, I am calm for her. Just make sure she doesn't get attached to games without you, she doesn't need that at all. Will you keep an eye on her? Well, thank you. Ask her to warm up dinner!"

And it doesn’t matter whether everything you told him about Nastya is true: he no longer needs to lie, and you very nicely assigned responsibility for his sister to him. Well, good. Great wisdom in life is to give the child in advance such explanations of his behavior in difficult situations that he is not a liar, but a caring and responsible person. Sometimes children need rescuing, and sometimes you can come up with a better explanation for a child's controversial behavior than he does.

Remove reasons for children's lies. If your daughter looks at the answer on a calculator and cheats that she counted the examples herself, do not rush to deal with her lies, first start teaching her to count well. If there are games on the computer and children have access to them, then children will play games no matter what you ask them not to do: so that children do not lie to you, clear the computers of games and set strong passwords so that children have access only with your permission . Do not prohibit what you cannot control anyway: education, like politics, is always the art of the possible. If you cannot effectively prohibit it, it means that it is better to allow it kindly. On the other hand, when it is possible to put a reliable barrier to a violation, put up the most reliable barrier and an ironclad ban, and not just exhortations and soft requests. Dad doesn't have to be as gentle and understanding as Mom, especially since a kind word and a gun, as one wise man argued, are more persuasive than just a kind word.

Thirty years ago, in the book “How to Treat Yourself and People,” I formulated: “They lie to those to whom it is dangerous to tell the truth.” This is a useful consideration, but do not expect that if children are never scolded for anything, they will immediately and forever become honest. No, children can lie for very different reasons and simply because everyone around them does so, and if you reinforce this with your approval, then in an atmosphere of complete unconditional love you will sometimes grow up to be liars. Don't rely on very easy solutions. If you are not just raising children, but also educating them, then it will sometimes be unsafe for children to talk to you. You will evaluate their stories, you will not uncritically accept everything you hear, because your task is not just contact with children, but also their upbringing. In this regard, it will always be difficult for you and your children, and that’s normal. In such a situation, it is wrong for you to reduce your demands, your general solution is different: to create an atmosphere where children cannot lie to you, when living honestly is beautiful and dignified, you cheerfully and actively support this in children, the atmosphere in your family is easy, bright and kind (yes? Is that exactly how it is with you?), but on the other hand, you have a sharp and terrible reaction to their lies. Lying is unacceptable to you, just like hitting a brother or sister on the head with an iron shovel. Yes? After all, you never allowed this to happen?

And again - calmer. Your harsh and fearful reaction should never be impulsive or thoughtless. It is completely normal to take your time in a situation where a child may or may not lie. If you decide that a conversation should still take place here, do not catch the child lying, it is better to ask the question thoughtfully and carefully: “I want to ask you about this... Don’t rush to answer me, because the situation is not simple and it’s better think. The point is that if you are guilty, it is not good and you will get hit for it. But this is normal, anything can happen, I still love you. Maybe you are not to blame at all, then I will just hug you and ask you You are sorry that I thought badly of you. But if you suddenly lie, that is, you think and decide to tell me a lie, this is the worst thing that can happen. You know how I react to this, it will just be the end of the world and catastrophe. I definitely don’t wish this for you. Think carefully about what you will say: is it your fault in what happened or not. You have five minutes; in five minutes, come up and tell me everything in truth."

Please note: no matter how convincing you are, it is still difficult for a child to understand such complex things. Fear often shuts down thinking, and if a child is afraid of you, he may simply not hear you, no matter what you tell him. What to do here? Sometimes a special game helps, where the child will make decisions together with you, answering interesting and difficult questions. The game is called "Spy" and is played like this. You will need several blank sheets of paper, a good mood for everyone and at least half an hour of free time.

First, let the child draw a spy (or a Scout), who has to obtain secret information in difficult conditions without being discovered. Great!

Now the child (perhaps with your help) should make a list of “Who do you depend on?” “You depend” - that is, whose words and decisions can seriously influence you, create difficulties for you, deprive you of something or oblige you. "Do you depend on the teacher? On your parents? What about your friends?" This list should list the most important figures for a child from 7 to 12 people, including not only parents and teachers, but also his friends. It is better to make the list by ranking, so that at the top are the most important people on whom the child depends the most. And don’t be afraid to discuss an important thesis with your child: “In order to protect yourself from these people, sometimes it is beneficial to deceive them.” Yes, this is reality. Nobody promised the scout an easy life.

It’s interesting to make an additional list: “Who depends on you, but you don’t depend on him?” That is, who is easy for you to influence and whom you are not afraid of, who will not do anything to you? If there are at least a few people on this list, most likely the list of your friends, you can make a suggestion: we don’t deceive these friends. Why? Because they are not afraid to tell the truth, but living in the truth is more correct and easier.

You are called to go for a walk - you don’t have to figure out what you can’t do right now. I just don’t want to now!

And now we need to return to the first ranking list and answer a very important question for a real Spy: “Who will guess the deception more carefully and quickly?” Is it easy to deceive grandma? And mom? And the teacher? In mathematics or chemistry? Which of your friends is gullible, and which will instantly see through you?

The next list is similar, but about something else: “Who will cause the most trouble from deception?” Grandma will simply scold you and quickly forgive you, but jokes are bad with the headmistress and dad... This also needs to be taken into account, and if you combine the last two lists, you will get very important information: “Who is really dangerous to deceive.” It is really dangerous to deceive someone who will easily reveal you and cause you serious trouble.

But the most important list for you will probably be the last one. Namely, after reading out again everyone your child has already written down, you ask him: “Which of these people loves you and really wishes you well?” In fact, this is a rich and very difficult question... Dad scolds, but grandma gives candy: does this mean that only grandma loves you, and your dad doesn’t? The child may not write this list and this ranking right away and will return to it more than once, thinking about it in different years with different results. However, the main thing that your child should hear is the rule “They don’t deceive their own.” The full text of the rule is as follows: “Those who love you and wish you well cannot be deceived. Because they love you, they are their own people, and they do not deceive their own. And also because if you deceive them, you act to the detriment of yourself. Yes, you save yourself now, but you create problems for yourself tomorrow. If you think about your tomorrow, then you won’t deceive your own people.” This seems like a very important rule indeed.

They don't deceive their own people.

If suddenly this does not help, we turn on the Red Button mode (nuclear war is launched precisely by the Red Button). Namely, here you need to go through the following steps.

First: you once again receive a promise from the child never to deceive you. Well, this is the simplest thing, a child with honest eyes will once again sincerely promise you.

Second: you set the condition that there should be sanctions for deception. It seems like everything is reasonable, the child will agree. Moreover, you quickly offer -

Third. There will be sanctions only if you warned him: “I’m asking you seriously, it’s important for me that you don’t make a mistake and say everything absolutely honestly and that I don’t have any doubts. I’m warning you so that you don’t lie by accident.” And if you did not warn and the child lied, there will be no sanctions. All children agree to this.

Fourth. Now you invite your child to discuss sanctions for his deception. Most likely, the child will not come up with anything worthwhile, but let him at least think... Let him sit next to you in silence for 15 minutes and think...

Fifth: since the child doesn’t come up with anything worthwhile, you come up with: “If it even seems to me that you deceived me - after a warning, I deprive myself of the nearest food - breakfast, lunch or dinner. If you want, you can join me on this hunger strike join, but this is only optional. And there is only one thing obligatory from you: instead of eating, you and I will sit together at the table for 15 minutes, look at each other and not eat anything. If you deceive me next time, I will not be the only one starving food, and already two meals in a row. And so on, increasing."

If the child has any good feelings towards you, he will understand that this is indeed the Red Button.

When parents first encounter children's lies, the first thought that comes to most mothers and fathers is: “How to wean a child from lying, how to find an approach to the little deceiver, and make sure this never happens again?” Advice from a child psychologist will help parents understand why their child is lying and determine a strategy for their behavior.

Why do children lie?

“Who will grow out of a little liar, if already at that age he knows how to masterfully deceive adults?” - Mom sighs sadly. “When I was his age, I was afraid to tell my parents a lie, otherwise they... it’s scary to remember, but now modern children are not afraid of anything,” Dad grumbles. And not all parents realize that they are the reason for such an unpleasant phenomenon as children's lies.

Why children lie - 6 reasons:

Excessive strictness in relationships with children. “They don’t lie to those to whom they are not afraid to tell the truth” - this is a well-known saying that best characterizes the reason for such lies. The kid lies because he is afraid of punishment and is looking for any way to avoid it.

This reason for children's lies appears especially often in families where children are punished in earnest. It seems that they understand that they will have to answer for the offense, and still mom or dad will find out about everything. But there is a faint hope that it will be possible to avoid shouting, threats and deprivation of various benefits and pleasures. And gradually the habit of deceiving for any reason appears, maybe it will blow away! And if not, seven troubles, one answer!

Parents play on their own children's feelings. They use a forbidden technique, grab their heads or their hearts, which supposedly sting and hurt from the bad marks in the diary, and complain that the pranks of their son or daughter have affected their well-being.

Such scenes have no effect on a child of preschool age, but a teenager of 10–12 years old can be thrown out of balance, because, despite the outward roughness and feigned rudeness, parents are the most dear people to him. Next time he will simply hide his problems and mistakes from you, so as not to relive the difficult scene again.

The child has an inferiority complex. If he almost never hears words of approval addressed to him, if he is constantly criticized at school and at home, a lie is an attempt to look better in the eyes of others, among his peers.

Thus, children, especially teenagers 11–16 years old, are trying to somehow level out their inferiority complex and become at least somewhere worthy of admiration. The teenager lies that he corresponds with his idol, he was invited to a casting in a modeling agency or to shoot a film as the main character, he has rich relatives, he met a rock star who was happy to talk to him - all these fantasies indicate that that the teenager is not satisfied with his social status.

Parents should think about what their child is missing. Maybe they pay little attention to him, maybe among his peers he is an outcast who is humiliated by everyone? By the way, the need for recognition is one of the main human needs. On the scale of values, she is in fourth place.

Resistance to excessive restrictions coming from parents. Not all mothers and fathers immediately accept the fact that their child is growing up, he does not need extra care, it simply irritates him and makes him, in some cases, even ashamed that they are considered small. Defending the right to one’s opinion, the right to autonomy, a teenager of 11–12 years old can easily lie simply in order to go against the authority of his parents.

You will not hear advice from any child psychologist recommending giving a teenager complete freedom, but giving him more independence at this age is simply necessary.

Distinguish between independence and permissiveness, give him personal space, and you will less and less encounter the fact that your child constantly lies. Seeing that adults understand him, that they are acting in his interests, the teenager will not deceive them again.

The kid is just fantasizing. This situation is similar to the plot of N. Nosov’s story “Dreamers,” when children came up with fantastic stories for fun. It would be hard to call such a creative deceiver a liar, his inventions are so imaginative and charming.

Not everyone is gifted with this kind of thinking. We can consider this to be a gift from God, and such a child may well be able to continue his fantasies by becoming a writer. There is no need to condemn him for such a lie; it may be better to direct it in a controlled direction by offering to create a handwritten book of fairy tales and fantastic stories.

A relationship crisis is brewing in the family or problems have arisen. What to do if a child lies, combining his lies with theft and vandalism? He steals change from bags and pockets, ruins adults' clothes and things that belong to them, hurts younger children when adults are not looking, and with clear eyes claims that it was not he who did it.

In this case, parents urgently need to “ring all the bells,” because this is not just an isolated fact, it is a veiled cry of despair. Perhaps a serious rift is brewing between parents, or adults, hitherto alone, have acquired a new life partner. Or maybe a newborn has appeared in the family, and all parental strength and love are directed only towards him?

And yet, most often families where parents are on the verge of divorce face a similar problem. By constantly lying, stealing and damaging their parents' things, children try to unite them at least temporarily, without even realizing it themselves.

Life without deception - learning to be honest

Having discovered that your children have such a problem, you need to try to find the cause and do everything possible to eliminate it. In addition to the reasons listed above, this may be a reaction to a stressful situation and the desire to avoid it, a desire to receive praise, a desire not to be ridiculed, and an attempt to protect personal space in this way.

How to teach a child not to lie - advice from a child psychologist for parents:

Start by saying right away that you are aware of the wrongdoing. This way, children won’t have to dodge and add another lie to the existing one.
Tell him that you will not be angry if the child tells you why he did it.
Keep your word and don’t be angry with your baby, either now or later.
Tell your child that this action was wrong and give him advice on what he should have done.
Assure him that next time he will definitely be able to count on your help and support.

According to any psychologist working with children, one cannot count on the fact that after a single conversation everything will change dramatically. It is quite possible that the same thing will have to be explained more than once. Another important advice from a psychologist on how to wean a child from lying: try not to become an example of duplicity - don’t lie to the people around you, even about little things.

Children notice this very quickly, and then, no matter what correct words you say, after the example of your lies, “they are worthless.” It is advisable to talk with them more often on the topic “what is good and what is bad.” Try to explain various situations of deception using examples of book heroes or cartoon characters, and think together about what should be done.

Children's lies are a problem that requires careful attention and informed decisions from parents. In any case, there is a lot that can be done to prevent a child from becoming a pathological liar.

Toddlers are not able to lie at all until a certain time. But not because they are so honest by nature - it’s just that lying requires sufficient development of thinking and speech. Until the age of 2–3 years, a child still knows too little and does not express his thoughts well to lie. In addition, for the appearance of lies, a certain level of language development is necessary: in order to lie “high-quality”, you need to choose the right words and have a good memory. From 3 to 5 years old, children actively accumulate experience, including emotional ones, and form ideas about the concepts: bad, good, shame, guilt, etc. The child absorbs patterns of behavior accepted in society (good manners, tact), which in themselves presuppose some omissions, omissions, i.e. “white lie”; learns to evaluate his actions and predict consequences, tries to manipulate adults in order to achieve his own goals. In fact, this is a normal adaptation to social life. It is during this period that it “slips through”, at first it is simple and naive, but as the baby practices, his deceptions will “improve.” What is this, the norm or gaps in education?

When you find out that a child is lying, you should not be upset right away - his development is proceeding normally. After all, children's lies appear during the period of active language acquisition and imagination development, and these are the main acquisitions of a child in preschool age. Speech forms the basis of logical thinking, and imagination helps to comprehend mentally what cannot be touched, heard, or seen in reality. It also indicates that the child is beginning to navigate society, because deception is a new form of influencing others, more mature and adult than what the child had previously (screams, tears, hysterics). Therefore, we can say that children's lies are a common occurrence, and every child sooner or later goes through this stage. However, this does not mean that a child’s lies are a norm that can be ignored or encouraged. Deception always has reasons, and if situations where the child is cunning and shifts his blame onto others begin to repeat, it is necessary to figure out what is behind it.