Mother-in-law destroys the family - advice from a psychologist. Daughter-in-law and mother-in-law: is it necessary to fight for your husband with his mother? Why does the mother-in-law set her husband up?

Your spouse or lover is not only your “other half”, he is also his mother’s son. And every couple sooner or later encounters “his mother”, who actively “does good and does good” at the most inopportune moment. And there is nothing worse for a man if the two most important women in his life begin to find out which of them is more important.

The topic of relationships between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is explored by psychologists of different genders.

Know by sight

“There are 3 types of “monster mothers-in-law”: hostile/critical, overprotective darling, feigned indifference. The first wages a “war” openly, criticizes, devalues, and turns her son against his wife. The second one seems to act with the best intentions, but in fact she demonstrates to both her son and his wife that she is better, more caring, smarter. The third, feigning indifference, often utters two catchphrases: “Live/do as you want!”, and then, if something goes wrong, “I told you so!” She, like the other two, devalues ​​and undermines the authority of her son’s wife, but does it on the sly. Do you think that the first type of mother-in-law is the most dangerous? In vain. An overprotective mother or one who seems to have no business at all, but only seems harmless. If they try, they can deprive you of your husband, and at the same time reward you with a feeling of guilt, because they seem to “want what’s best,” says famous family psychologist Svetlana Boyarinova.

There are many types of mothers-in-law, but there is only one way to set boundaries, and it can be used in any case.

“Ideally, even before marriage, at the beginning of the relationship, it is worth discussing with the future spouse the permissible degree of interference of his and her parents, creating rules with which both the man and the woman will agree. When you first try to break them, say “Stop!” even mother-in-law, even mother-in-law. And continue to do this until the parents hear and accept this position,” the psychologist recommends.

Don't wait for the relationship to improve on its own, take active action.

• Determine what type the mother-in-law belongs to, identify her strategy of influence: how, when, with the help of what tricks she acts. And ask yourself: “Why is she doing this?” Her goal is not you, she is fighting for something else. When you understand why exactly, it will be easier to conduct a dialogue with your husband.
• Talk to your spouse: explain your feelings in the format of “I-messages” and offer to set boundaries on what parents can and cannot do. The rules must be the same for everyone. If there are some rules for the mother-in-law and different ones for the mother-in-law, this will become a cause for conflict.
• Voice your position to your parents. And do this until they realize that there are no other options. Don’t swear, don’t criticize, but calmly stop, protecting your borders.
• Don't take negativity out on your spouse. Remember that children are not responsible for their parents. Therefore, there is no need to reprimand your husband for having bad parents. What are there?
• The most important thing is not to react too strongly, so as not to give the mother-in-law the much-desired nourishment.

“Mother and son will quarrel, then they will make up, and again everything will be fine with them. If you fight on your own, you will always be bad and extreme. The mother-in-law is fighting for her son, for his attention and recognition; in fact, she doesn’t care about you. No matter who is in your shoes, she will behave exactly the same. Her son is important to her, and only her son can stop her. If the husband doesn’t connect, that’s bad. You can, of course, say: “You saw who you married!..”, but this will not make it any easier. Therefore, we must continue to include him in the dialogue. Call when the mother-in-law comes, discuss all the important points in his presence. Warn that you will refer to him in a conversation with your mother-in-law, that he decided this together with you, so all questions should be addressed to your son,” says Boyarinova.

If only there was no war

The famous psychologist Viktor Ponomarenko warns all wives who want to neutralize their own mothers-in-law: this should only be done in one single case - “if you want to be unhappy all your life, curse the day you decided to get married, and lose years of your life without gaining anything.” "

“In the battle between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, the mother-in-law always wins. And it's not just about experience. By fighting with her husband’s mother (or, in a mild form, “neutralizing” her), a woman destroys her marriage. You did not marry your mother-in-law, but her son. Initially, you had a relationship and agreement with him. Your mother-in-law did not choose you, and neither did you, and there are no agreements/obligations between you. Therefore, your husband definitely needs to be involved, and the sooner the better,” says Victor.

“If a man is categorically against such attempts to “get into his soul”, if he sends his women to “figure it out themselves,” then it really is necessary to go to his mother and discuss with her the problem of the moral rehabilitation of this for some reason failed person. He is immature, offended, disappointed, afraid of something - here is a field for collaboration, and not at all for competition. There is no one to compete for yet. There are only semi-finished men here,” offers Ponomarenko.

It’s a big mistake to blackmail your husband and force him to choose: either her or me. A mother is a mother, a wife is a wife. These are different roles; both women are important to a man.

“Every boy has his own story of relationship with his mother. It is naive to think that with age, with the appearance of his own family, wife and children, this story will end. It will definitely get more complicated. But it is impossible to cut this complexity in one fell swoop, like a Gordian knot. And to announce to the husband that from now on his mother is being taken “out of the brackets” because she “interferes with happiness” is to deeply insult his entire past. Perhaps he will come to terms with this, for a while. But he won't forgive. In critical, conflicting moments, he will definitely remember how his wife treated his mother, and negative memories will only strengthen the desire to get a divorce. What to do? Calmly and patiently discuss with the man everything that worries him in this regard. Show him basic respect. Having appreciated your friendly participation, he will tell you everything. After all, his mother was the first truly beloved and close woman in his life. Communicating with her, he learned about the female world, the female way of life, learned to understand women and trust them completely. Or not? Or, instead of affection, protest, rejection of the feminine principle, with consequent contempt for the opposite sex, had been brewing in him all these years? An intelligent wife will definitely help her husband realize what remains beyond his understanding. And he will do everything to bring son and mother closer together at a new, adult level,” the expert warns.

Another mistake is to blackmail your mother-in-law with your grandchildren, writes Woman.ru. The children will soon grow up (sooner than one might imagine) and it will not escape their attention that dad gets upset every time, and mom angrily triumphs at the mention of grandma. Yes, and grandmother, father’s mother, from their children’s point of view, is not a bad woman at all. On the contrary, she is kind and affectionate.

“So mom is unfair when she deprives us of our grandmother,” the kids will decide. Children react acutely to injustice. They are ready to defend the offended. And, most importantly, children form their understanding of adults by their deeds. In their eyes, in this state of affairs, mom will no longer be an absolute authority. Imagine what a crack will appear in the very foundation of the family!

The biggest mistake is to include your mother/parents, friends in this situation, or publicly ridicule your mother-in-law. No matter what she is, no matter how your husband treats her, with your behavior you are hitting him, and, in fact, your own relationship.

Who is the mistress of the house

When they try to teach you wisdom and give you advice of varying degrees of value, filter the information, and... do as you intended.

“When listening to your mother-in-law’s teachings, it is important to separate her desire to be needed and feel important from the essence of the advice itself. And remain calm,” reminds Boyarinova.

“After listening to the advice, politely say: “I heard you, thank you for your desire to help. I will take note, but I will make the final decision myself.” You can always move the conversation to another topic. You can, citing authorities, explain why you are doing this, or suggest: “Since you are so good at this, do it yourself!” And what? Let him do it, you will have more time for other activities,” Ponomarenko suggests directing energy in a peaceful direction.

When your mother-in-law breaks into your territory, you need to politely but firmly stop her. Take the keys and prohibit them from coming without warning. If you live together, it is worth putting a lock on the door, this will teach her to knock.

“If this reasonable advice, in your opinion, is not applicable, if your mother-in-law is a psychopath, and her son is a wimp, maybe you deliberately married such a person? Maybe they decided that a resigned and weak-willed “mama’s boy” is an excellent preparation for a future “henpecked” husband; all they need to do is replace one dominant woman with another? Well, then, sorry, eat for your health what you prepared yourself,” the psychologist sums up.

For some reason, it has become a tradition in our world that this happens everywhere. Few families manage without this war, without conflicts between seemingly such close people - the daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law. Why? Why are there more jokes about the mother-in-law, funny jokes and practical jokes about the mother-in-law, but about the mother-in-law, mostly only negative things? The answer is simple: they are both women! But how many families were broken because of this war, how many small and not very children suffered from this confrontation, how many tears were shed and bad words were spoken...

I believe that there can be no winners in this war: everything must be in its place: the mother-in-law is a dear person for your husband and you cannot hide this fact anywhere, on the other hand, the daughter-in-law is a wife, mother, in short, a person who, from some point of view, then attracts all the attention of a man, shares life, bed, joys and hardships with him voluntarily!!! And not because “I was born that way”))) Let's look at a few points on how to put everything in its place and not lose in this war, leaving a former loved one, leaving children without a father and receiving tons of dirt from former relatives for many years to come.

The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law differs significantly when families live together and when they live apart. And I think there is no need to say that it is desirable to initially live separately. But situations are different. And often, if the mother-in-law justifies her negative meaning 100%, then it doesn’t matter whether she lives far away or you live together - she can poison your life even from a distance.

First of all, no need to be a hypocrite)) If it tastes terrible, it’s better not to say anything, or to carefully remark: “okay, but I like this,” without using the conjunction “but.” Agree, it sounds different: “great, but I love this color” or “great, but I like yellow”? There is, in the first case, confrontation, in the second - expressing one’s opinion. By doing this, you will protect yourself in the distant future from phrases like “you don’t understand anything, my taste is better, and therefore I will choose curtains for your bedroom” - you yourself admired her taste - so get it)))

Secondly, there is no need to treat her with disdain.: be sure to remember that no matter what, this is your husband’s mother, and for him all the years before you she was the most beloved and closest person, she gave birth to him, fed him, raised him - even if you think that she did it terribly, everything anyway, she is a mother. You will understand this better when you have your own child. If you don’t have children yet, then just take my word for it – your mother-in-law must at least be respected. We may not believe in spiritual laws, but they exist, and the “boomerang law” will work in any case - what goes around comes around.

Little advice: Before you want to say something nasty to her, maybe well-deserved, think about the fact that someday you will be a mother-in-law or mother-in-law - what kind of “relative” will you come across? You need to choose the middle between worship and disdain, respecting her and yourself as an individual. Try not to descend into a scandal, even if your mother-in-law is scandalous: it’s better to just avoid the conversation altogether than to say something stupid in the heat of the moment and then regret it.

Thirdly, if the mother-in-law herself offers help, take advantage of it., but don't give her the reins. This often happens when your husband’s mother helps you babysit a newborn baby - and this is great, since you have no experience at all - but it can lead to the fact that the mother-in-law will take on all the care of the child, leaving you with no destiny. In this case, when she offers help, you need to immediately set “boundaries”: “yes, I’m very grateful to you, teach me,” but try to do everything yourself, only sometimes resorting to her help when you want to relax or do household chores.

In general, in any relationship, the rule of first action applies: what you do the first time is what you will most likely do in the future. Therefore, you should not be offended if, after the maternity hospital and sleepless nights, when you wanted to get some sleep, you handed the baby over to your mother-in-law, and then you were gradually excluded from maternal care altogether, leaving you with the right only to feed him - do not allow this to happen in the first place!

What to do if you have been doing this for many years, but the relationship is getting worse and worse? What if, after a lot of gifts, attention, help and acceptance of most of her advice, peace is not in sight either in the near or distant future? What to do if, despite the fact that you and your husband have been living for a bunch of years, that you have given birth to your husband more children than she has, and are considered among your friends to be a wonderful mother, a wonderful housewife, if you also earn money, your home shines, your husband is dressed to the nines, but your mother-in-law still doesn’t accept you “into her family”, doesn’t miss an opportunity to hurt you, put you down in front of other people and is trying to turn your husband against you? This happens very often, I must admit, it continues... But there is a way out in any case.

Step one . You need to admit that she just doesn't like you! I know firsthand a bunch of cases when wives began to engage in self-criticism, trying to do everything even better and more correctly, thereby lowering their already low self-esteem. Admit to yourself that this is not because you are a bad housewife, an uncaring mother and a stupid wife. But simply because you married her son. This is the usual banal jealousy that your mother-in-law could not cope with at the very beginning of your marriage and which has grown to enormous proportions over the years and is strangling her, forcing her to let you down. She seems to be trying to prove to herself that you are worse than her, simply because she is a woman. And in this case, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you will never please her.

Second step, if you live together, then often the most correct decision that can save the marriage is moving. Even if this means that you have to live in rented housing. Decide for yourself what is more important – a complete family or the amount of money in it? It is necessary to explain to your husband about the need to live separately without scandals or raised voices. If he has a hard time believing your words (assuming she does so in his absence) that his mother is insulting you, record it on a tape recorder. There is no need to set a condition for your husband: either she or I. This is not wise at all! You stand at different positions - steps - in his life, and these steps cannot replace each other. You will not become your husband’s mommy, who decides everything for him, wipes his nose, or chooses clothes. You are his wife, his lover, his muse, the mother of his children, his assistant, his partner! And you definitely need to let your husband understand this! By the way, his mother also needs to be made clear that you will not replace her role, you have a different role that she will never be able to play. And she will forever remain his mother and no one can claim her place.

The third step will be to build boundaries between you and your mother-in-law, although in fact, this is the first step that should have been taken before the wedding. But if you find yourself in such a situation, it means you didn’t do it. This must be done together with your husband, or even better, for the husband to do it himself. Remember, no man will like it if his opinion is imposed on him; it is important that he himself understands that his mother, with her attacks on you, destroys the family and brings discord. You need to let her understand that she remains a mother, grandmother, that you are glad to see her, love her, but you have your own separate family. And this family may have rules different from those that she adheres to and this is your decision. And boundaries apply to both sides: a man will not allow his wife to be insulted, but his wife should not insult his mother either.

Of course, after this, peace and prosperity in relationships will not immediately come, but boundaries need to be set, over time everyone will get used to them. And now the main secret that can help you in your relationship with your mother-in-law: set these boundaries as early as possible. It is better if they are set before the wedding, when the husband is completely on your side and may even go against the will of his mother in order to marry you, and there is no everyday life between you that dulls the relationship.

You must remember that even if her attitude towards you does not change, you cannot change anything, this is her choice, with which she only makes things worse for herself and therefore do not take it to heart. This is especially true for perfectionists))) Well, a person doesn’t love you, so why suffer now because of this? You can't please everyone! Continue to develop, grow, love your husband, raise your children and arrange your home. Remember what is written in the parables of the wisest King Solomon: “A wise wife will build her house herself, but a foolish woman will destroy it with her own hands.” Let this be your credo and help you never give up!

Relationships between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are often complicated by disagreements.

The mother-in-law's constant interference in her son's family life can greatly ruin his relationship with his wife.

For this reason, daughters-in-law often think about how to put their mother-in-law in her place.

How to be happy in family life? Find out about this from ours.

Psychology of relations between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

True love and mutual respect are found in the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law quite rare.

Even with outwardly friendly communication, these women, as a rule, have a large number of complaints against each other.

On the part of the daughter-in-law, a negative attitude towards her mother-in-law may be caused by jealousy, sense of ownership towards her husband or the characteristics of a young woman.

But often a bad attitude is formed in response to the negative behavior of the husband's mother.

The main reasons why a mother-in-law may behave aggressively towards her daughter-in-law:

How to communicate with an energy vampire in the family? they will tell you!

What to do if your husband's mother..?

Daughter-in-law's behavior strategy directly depends on the character traits of the mother-in-law. It is necessary to clearly identify existing problems and develop an action plan.

Energetic vampire

Energy vampires replenish their energy reserves at the expense of their interlocutors. During communication, vampires constantly complain about life, talk about their failures and illnesses. They may do this intentionally or unknowingly.

In most cases, the interlocutors of such people become involved in communication and adopt a negative mood.

The desire to calm the energy vampire or the appearance of irritation in response to his complaints cause a surge of negative energy in the interlocutor. This response gives the vampire strength and stimulation.

The best way out of the situation is to stop this “donation”.

Necessary keep communication with your mother-in-law to a minimum.

If this cannot be done, you should develop a calm attitude towards the situation. It is important to remain calm during communication and not to worry.

Manipulator

Manipulators strive bend others to your will. Most often this is achieved by inducing a feeling of guilt in the “victim”.

With such behavior of the mother-in-law, it is important to be able to recognize situations in which she takes advantage of the current situation to satisfy her interests.

If her manipulations are aimed at her husband, it is important to try to open his eyes to the true motives of his mother’s behavior and teach him not to fall for her tricks.

If the mother-in-law tries to manipulate the daughter-in-law herself, it is necessary take a defensive position and defend your interests in any situation.

Selfish

An egoist always cares only about satisfying your desires and whims.

The interests of other people do not matter to him.

The best way out in such a situation is "mirror" answer.

In response to the selfishness of the mother-in-law, it is necessary to develop a similar attitude towards her.

Never give up your plans to please her requests, never change your mind under her pressure.

A woman treats you badly

Daughters-in-law rarely remain indifferent to the current conflict situation. They worry for the following reasons:

Interferes with children's upbringing

Often the mother-in-law, as a grandmother, strives to raise her son’s children. The lack of a good relationship with the daughter-in-law can provoke constant conflicts regarding the relationship between the grandmother and the children. Main problems:

Turns your spouse against you

Often mothers-in-law try to get rid of their daughter-in-law through their son. They strive to turn a man against his wife, draw attention to themselves and arrange provocations. Recommendations in such situations:

Gets into relationships

The mother-in-law interferes in the relationship, trying to control her son's life. Also, her intervention may have a specific goal - to ruin the relationship between her son and his wife. How to fight7 Recommendations in such situations:

How to properly distribute responsibilities in the family? you will find on our website.

Destroyed the family

Marriage is the union of a man and a woman. If the couple is married, then the reason for the divorce does not lie in the behavior of the mother-in-law. A man, respecting and loving his mother, must behave like the head of the family and protect the interests of his wife and children.

And a woman must find the strength to show herself patience, tact and cunning. Poor relations between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are just one of the many difficulties that spouses can face.

If the mother-in-law was able to destroy the family through her actions, then there was no real intimacy, trust and mutual support between husband and wife.

Thus, they are complicated by a huge number of mutual claims and demands.

Maintaining peace in the family is possible only if all participants make a choice in the relationship competent tactics of behavior. This applies not only to the two women, but also to the reason for their argument - the man.

How to defeat your mother-in-law? Psychology of relationships:

Young women often have to convince themselves that their husband’s mother creates an unfavorable environment in the family. A family psychologist often has to listen to young women with little marriage experience or newlyweds who are sure that “the mother-in-law is turning her husband against me.”

The advice of a psychologist should not be general and vague recommendations, because in each specific situation there are certain nuances, and both sides of the conflict can often escalate tension.

The existing relationship in which the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are friends is, in fact, so atypical that it is not worth mentioning in this case. The daughter-in-law and mother-in-law in a family conflict are two warring parties between whom peace rarely exists.

The best option is armed neutrality. The bone of contention becomes a man who is unable to make the alternative choice offered to him: “either I or your mother,” “either I or this adventuress.”

He needs both a wife and a mother, and a mature man tries to achieve consensus without pitting his beloved women against each other. An emotionally immature “mama’s boy”, who is in adulthood under the heel of an overbearing mother, will prefer the one who gave birth to him. But if the palm is given to the wife, to the detriment of the husband’s feelings for his mother, one should not delude himself either: this is a henpecked man of a different emotional type, striving to break free from under one dominant and immediately resorting to another.

This is an even more problematic option, because after a while he will calmly leave his wife if he meets another attachment, emotional or physical.

A person who grew up in a normal family always has the need to create his own. It is not surprising that he does not want to lose the family in which he grew up, so it is difficult to expect that a mature man will take the side of one of his women and unconditionally refuse the second.

The paradox that invariably arises when a mother-in-law turns her son against a woman who is completely stranger to her is easy to understand if you understand a few general points:

• she does not feel warm feelings towards her daughter-in-law, who suddenly appeared in her life, because she is not connected with her either emotionally or physically;
• no merits of the future wife of his beloved son will force him to change his attitude towards her, and it is better not to trump them;
• the younger and more beautiful the son’s chosen one is, the stronger the dislike for her by a woman who is on the threshold of menopause, figuratively speaking, on the threshold of old age;
• the more the son loves his daughter-in-law, the more the mother’s jealousy flares up, because before her child belonged only to her;
• if a woman experienced the same hostile attitude from her husband’s mother at the beginning of her marriage, she is convinced that she must somehow recoup the moral suffering she suffered in her youth;
• in a rich family, the mother-in-law is always confident in the mercantile motives of her future relative, in a poor family, she experiences hatred and envy towards her because of her own poverty or disadvantage;
• if you stand on the same level with her and start a war or compromise and surrender unconditionally in order to save your beloved husband, after 20 years, having your own son, you can turn into the same hated person for his beloved wife.

The husband's mother interferes in the family life of her son because she loves her child and hates the woman who, in her opinion, unjustifiably took him away and undeservedly got him.

She is not obliged to love her rival, who has taken a place in the heart of her boy, which previously belonged only to her.

Internet meme: A son and his wife through the eyes of his mother-in-law(photo from left). Even if she is an intelligent, tactful, well-mannered and delicate woman, she cannot do anything about nature. Maternal jealousy directed against the daughter-in-law leads to this. that she is at war with her rival, complains to her son about her in order to win her back to her side, and naturally experiences hostility.

The problem is that a mother-in-law who is smart, tactful, sensitive and well-mannered is extremely rare. If you come across one, you need to protect and cherish it. She hides her hostility with all her might, is ashamed of the feelings she experiences and understands their natural nature.

Therefore, she is friends with her son’s chosen one or maintains strong neutrality.

The rest, who do not have the undeniable advantages of an ideal mother-in-law, are divided into 3 conventional types:

• an unfriendly aggressor, waging open war and destroying marriages, using any methods, including unscrupulous and openly hostile;
• a benevolent monster of a pleasant appearance and charming manners, demonstrating his merits in every possible way and belittling the valuable qualities of his son’s chosen one, supposedly with the best intentions;
• an insidious imitator of neutrality, trying to quarrel between his son and daughter-in-law gradually, acting with ostentatious non-interference, which in fact has an even more destructive effect, being on a hidden level.

Oddly enough, in any case, a family relations specialist has to give similar advice, because there are only two ways that can solve the problem.

The first, from the point of view of a psychologist, is only the spheres of influence on the husband, and the determination of the acceptable boundaries of interference in the affairs of a young family on the part of the parents. The second is to establish a good relationship with your mother-in-law, or at least the appearance of one.

What to do if your mother-in-law ruins your relationship with your husband

The basic strategy in normal family relationships works approximately the same, and contains several points that must be adhered to.

An open war with dragging a common man to either side will not work, because the mother is always alone, and the son has a long history of joint relationships with her.

Therefore, you should delimit spheres of influence, and if the husband does not want to deal with this problem, do it yourself. Talk to your mother-in-law and clearly explain to her the extent to which she is allowed to interfere in your new family.

There is no need to mention that this rule should work on mutual terms, and the wife’s parents should be given the same boundaries.

The rule is that my mother is smart, but yours needs to be discouraged, you need to forget. If conditions of non-interference are imposed on one side, then the second should also be defined within equivalent boundaries.

Talk to your husband and try to explain your feelings to him so that he understands what we are talking about, but do not dump negativity on him. Just talk clearly about your experiences, without trying to denigrate or humiliate his mother. Any type of mother-in-law cannot be weaned off at once and instantly.

You will have to repeatedly defend your right through negotiations and reminders. But this should be done calmly, firmly and correctly, under no circumstances showing the emotions being experienced. This will not bring much benefit, but it will give the mother-in-law pleasure and give a reason to demonstrate ill health, which is often used to cleverly manipulate sons. The main thing is not pressure and not establishing an alternative - me or her.

Constructive dialogue with your husband and parents on both sides will bring much more benefit.

How to establish a good relationship with your mother-in-law

You need to try to do this, and preferably in such a way that your husband understands and feels it. After politely and firmly delineating acceptable spheres of influence, this will require a lot of effort.

Show your respect for her opinion and ask for advice on various occasions. Praise her son and talk about his merits.

Under no circumstances should you speak negatively about your mother-in-law in front of her son or about your son in front of his mother, even if there are specific reasons for dissatisfaction. It's no use because she will always be on his side. Do not give reasons for complaints and run the household in such a way that there is nothing to complain about (although there will still be a reason).

Don't turn the children against her, because sooner or later they will spill the beans.

In this video, the psychologist will give you some useful tips on how to improve your relationship with your mother-in-law:

Finding a common language with your mother-in-law is very difficult, especially if you have to live with her. If it doesn’t work out at all, then at least maintain the appearance of good neighborly relations, clearly stipulating all the points that may constitute the causes of conflicts, and develop tactics of behavior depending on the type of mother-in-law, which you will have to determine for yourself. What do you think about this?

I found myself in a very difficult situation and I don’t know what to do. A month ago I got married, and we started living with his mother. After three weeks of living together, my husband left to work in another country. He was supposed to pick me up as soon as the documents were ready. I stayed with my mother-in-law.

Less than a week had passed before my mother-in-law started taking me out, and on top of that I got sick, and I had to go to my mother. When leaving her house, I forgot to say goodbye, as I was in very bad condition. The next day she complained to my husband about my supposed bad manners, after which quarrels began between me and my husband.

It got to the point where he proposed a divorce, since he couldn’t go against his mother. He doesn’t even want to talk to me, because she inspired him that I hate her. Lord have mercy! I think: why is this woman turning my husband against me? I haven’t even lived with him for a month! I love him very much and don’t want to lose him.

I do not know what to do. Help, please. Maybe there are lines from the Koran that could bring him to his senses? They don’t do the same, I’m also a human being, and I also have a heart. It’s inhumane to offend and torment so much that your soul hurts. Please give me some advice. Thank you in advance!

From a religious point of view:

The hadith of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) says: “ The most hateful thing permitted by Allah Almighty is divorce. "(Abu Dawud, Ibn Majah). When newlyweds live close to their parents, such cases, unfortunately, often occur. To the best of your ability, you should try to find a place to live away from your parents in order to avoid conflicts.

Proposing a divorce is a grave mistake by your spouse: you cannot, after hearing one side, immediately separate; marriage is something that needs to be protected and preserved.

Your spouse will make the right decision, if he reconciles you with his mother and takes you with him, then everything will work out for you. Show your husband our answer, and we hope that Allah will give him the strength not to make such a mistake and not follow the lead of nafs.

From a psychological point of view:

In this situation, much remains behind the scenes, and what you described raises more questions than answers.

The first thing that catches your eye is: how did your mother-in-law begin to drive you crazy, what do you understand by this? Experience in such situations shows that most often the main reason for misunderstandings between you and your mother-in-law is the difference in your ideas about the role of a young daughter-in-law in her husband’s house.

You must understand that your spouse's mother has a clear idea of ​​how you should behave - this is, so to speak, her system of expectations. Naturally, you also have a similar system of expectations, but in relation to how you should be treated in your husband’s house.

In such situations, your spouse should have told you how to behave in his absence, what is expected of you. On your part, it was necessary to show maximum diplomacy and show your respect for his mother (do not forget that she is used to being the mistress of the house and lives by her own rules).

It is possible that you did not attach due importance to this and behaved at your discretion. In no case do I want to shift all responsibility onto you; I am writing this only for the reason that someone should always take the first step towards mutual understanding, and not wait for the other side to take this very step. It’s a pity for lost time and opportunities; it’s always easier to prevent than to fix everything later.

Unfortunately, there are many mistakes in your actions that you need to correct. First of all, you need to talk openly with your husband and admit that you are wrong. The most important thing here is not to look for excuses, but to boldly admit everything. This will allow your spouse to reevaluate what is happening and change his decision if he sees in your actions sincere regret for what happened between you and your mother-in-law.

Do not forget that if for you they are a mother-in-law, then for him she is a mother. You cannot put your husband in a situation of choosing between you and your mother; these are not equivalent positions. He can easily convince his mother not to be angry with you if he is confident that you admit that you are wrong. Remember that as soon as you begin to admit your own mistakes, it will be easier for his mother to admit hers in return, that’s how we are built. The main thing is not to look for excuses, they will only make everything worse. And they are already visible in the fact that you are trying to justify your behavior by saying that you got sick, you felt bad and you did not say goodbye to your mother-in-law. This can hardly be taken into account, because it looks very much like an excuse to hide your hostility. And your mother-in-law and your husband see this, for this reason they are both determined.

Set yourself up in advance for a favorable outcome, discuss everything with your husband. A happy family does not become happy on its own; it must be built through joint efforts. I hope everything works out for you. May Allah grant you both strength and prudence!

Gadzhimurad Omargadzhiev

Aliaskhab Anatolyevich Murzaev

Psychologist-consultant at the Center for Social Assistance to Family and Children