title: Buy the book "Bad advice. A book for naughty children and their parents": feed_id: 5296 pattern_id: 2266 book_author: Oster Gregory book_name: Bad advice. A book for naughty children and their parents

A book for naughty children and their parents

Obedient children are not allowed to read!

Recently, scientists discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: “Wash your face in the morning” - they take it and don’t wash it. They are told: “Say hello to each other” - they immediately begin not to greet each other. Scientists have come up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do everything the other way around, and it will turn out just right.

This book is for naughty children

Lost Child

Must remember that it's

They'll take you home as soon as

He will tell you his address.

We need to act smarter

Say: "I live

Near a palm tree with a monkey

On distant islands."

Lost child

If he's not a fool,

Will not miss the right opportunity

Visit different countries.

Hands never anywhere

Don't touch anything.

Don't get involved in anything

And don't go anywhere.

Move aside silently

Stand modestly in the corner

And stand quietly, without moving,

Until your old age.

Who hasn't jumped out of a window?

Together with my mother's umbrella,

That dashing parachutist

Doesn't count yet.

Don't fly like a bird

Above the excited crowd

Don't put him in the hospital

With a bandaged leg.

If the whole family goes swimming

You went to the river

Don't bother mom and dad

Sunbathe on the shore.

Don't start a scream

Give the adults a break.

Without pestering anyone,

Try to drown.

There is no more pleasant thing to do

What to pick your nose with.

Everyone is terribly interested

What's hidden inside?

And who is disgusted to look,

Let him not even look.

We don’t get in his way,

Let him not bother you either.

If your mom caught you

For what you love,

For example, while drawing

In the hallway on the wallpaper,

Explain to her what it is -

Your surprise for the Eighth of March.

The painting is called:

“Portrait of my dear mother.”

Don't take someone else's if

Strangers are looking at you.

Let them close their eyes

Or they’ll go out for an hour.

Why be afraid of your own people?

They won’t tell about their own people.

Let them look. Grab someone else's

And drag him to yours.

Never stupid questions

Don't ask yourself

Or even more stupid

You will find the answer to them.

If the questions are stupid

Appeared in my head

Ask them straight away to adults.

Let their brains crack.

Visit often

Theater buffet.

There are cakes with cream,

Water with bubbles.

Like firewood on plates

The chocolates are lying

And through a tube you can

Drink a milkshake.

Don't ask for tickets

To the balcony and to the stalls,

Let them give you tickets

To the theater buffet.

Leaving the theater

Take it with you

Under a trembling heart,

In the stomach, a sandwich.

Born a girl - be patient

Trips and pushes.

And put your pigtails on everyone,

Who wouldn't mind pulling them?

But someday later

Show them the fig

And you will say: “Figurines, for you

I won’t get married!”

If you and your friends are together

Have fun in the yard

And in the morning they put it on you

Your new coat,

You shouldn't crawl in puddles

And roll on the ground

And climb fences

Hanging from nails.

So as not to spoil or stain

Your new coat,

We need to make it old.

This is done like this:

Get right into the puddle

Roll on the ground

And a little on the fence

Hang on nails.

Very soon it will become old

Your new coat,

Now you can calmly

Have fun in the yard.

You can safely crawl in puddles

And roll on the ground

And climb fences

Hanging from nails.

If you're down the hall

Ride your bike

And towards you from the bathroom

Dad went out for a walk

Don't turn into the kitchen

There is a solid refrigerator in the kitchen.

Better brake like dad.

Dad is soft. He will forgive.

If you are united forever,

Illuminated and lead,

Don't try to dodge

From movement to celebration.

Still will raise to work

And it will inspire you to heroism

You are great and mighty,

And our reliable stronghold.

The main business of your life

Any trifle can become a problem.

You just have to firmly believe

There is no more important matter.

And then it won't hurt

You are neither cold nor hot,

Choking with delight,

Do nonsense.

Girls should never be

Not to be noticed anywhere.

And don't give them a pass

Nowhere and never.

They need to put their feet up

Scare from around the corner

So that they immediately understand:

You don't care about them.

I met a girl - quickly

Stick your tongue out.

Let her not think

That you're in love with her.

Starting a fight with dad

Starting a fight with mom,

Try to surrender to your mother, -

Dad takes no prisoners.

By the way, find out from your mother,

Has she forgotten -

Beat prisoners on the butt with a belt

Prohibited by the Red Cross.

If you are the whole world of violence

Are you going to destroy

And at the same time you dream of becoming

Everything without being anything

Feel free to follow us

Along the paved road,

We will give you this path

We might even give in.

Don't settle for anything

With no one and never

And those who agree with you

Call them cowardly.

For this everyone will start you

Love and respect.

And you will have it everywhere

Full of friends.

If there are cockroaches in the kitchen

Marching around the table

And the mice are happy

There's a practice fight on the floor,

So it's time for you to go

Stop fighting for peace

And give up all your strength

To fight for purity.

If you are going to a friend

Tell me your troubles

Take a friend by the button

It's useless - he'll run away

And it will leave you with a souvenir

This button is a friend.

Better give him a kick

Throw on the floor, sit on top

And then in detail

Tell me your trouble.

If you came to see your friends,

Don't say hello to anyone.

Words: “please”, “thank you”

Do not tell anybody.

Turn away and ask questions

Don't answer anyone's questions.

And then no one will say

About you, that you are a talker.

If anything happened

And no one is to blame

Don't go there or else

You will be to blame.

Hide somewhere on the side.

And then go home.

And about the fact that I saw this,

Do not tell anybody.

If they didn't buy you a cake

And they didn’t take us to the cinema in the evening,

You need to be offended by your parents,

And go without a hat into the cold night.

But not just like that

Wander the streets

And in the dense dark

Forest to go.

There's a wolf right there for you

The hungry will meet

And, of course, quickly

He will eat you.

Then mom and dad will know

They will scream, cry and run away.

And they will rush to buy cake,

And to the cinema with you

They'll pick you up in the evening.

Look what's going on

In every house at night.

Turning his nose to the wall,

The adults lie silently.

They move their lips

In the pitch darkness

And with my eyes closed

The heel is jerked in your sleep.

Don't agree to anything

Go to bed at night.

Don't let anyone

Putting you to bed.

Do you really want

My childhood years

Spend under the blanket

On a pillow, without pants?

There is a sure way to please adults:

In the morning, start yelling and littering,

Eavesdropping, whining, running around the house

Kicking and begging for gifts from everyone.

Be rude, cunning, tease and lie,

And in the evening suddenly stop for an hour, -

And immediately, stroking with a touched smile,

All the adults will pat you on the head

And they will say that you are a wonderful boy

And there is no child nicer than you.

If you came to the Christmas tree,

Demand your gift right away

Look, there's no candy

Santa Claus has not healed.

And don't you dare carefree

Bring home leftovers.

How mom and dad gallop -

Half will be taken away.

If punishment awaits you

For bad behavior

For example, for being in the bathroom

Have you bathed your cat?

Without asking permission

Neither the cat nor the mother,

I can suggest you a way

How to escape from punishment.

Hit your head on the floor,

Beat yourself in the chest with your hands

And weep and shout:

“Oh, why did I torture the cat!?

I am worthy of terrible punishment!

My shame can only be redeemed by death!”

Not even half a minute will pass,

How, crying with you,

They will forgive you and, to console you,

They will run for a sweet cake.

And then calm down the cat

Lead me by the tail to the bath,

After all, a cat is a tell-all

He will never be able to.

For example, in your pocket

It turned out to be a handful of sweets,

And they came towards you

Your true friends.

Don't be scared and don't hide,

Don't rush to run away

Don't shove all the candy

Along with candy wrappers in your mouth.

Approach them calmly

Without saying unnecessary words,

Quickly taking it out of his pocket,

Give them... your palm.

Shake their hands firmly,

Say goodbye slowly

And, turning the first corner,

Rush home quickly.

To eat candy at home,

Get under the bed

Because there, of course,

You won't meet anyone.

Take thick cherry juice

And my mother's white cloak.

Gently pour the juice onto the cloak -

A stain will appear.

Now, so that there is no stain

On my mother's cloak,

The entire cloak must be put in

Into thick cherry juice.

Take your mother's cherry raincoat

And a mug of milk.

Pour the milk carefully -

A stain will appear.

Now, so that there is no stain

On my mother's cloak,

The entire cloak must be put in

In a saucepan with milk.

Take thick cherry juice

And my mother's white cloak.

Lay carefully...

If you broke a window,

Don't rush to admit it.

Wait, won’t it start?

Suddenly there is a civil war.

The artillery will strike

Glass will fly out everywhere

And no one will scold

For a broken window.

Beat your friends without a break

Every day for half an hour,

And your muscles

It will become stronger than a brick.

And with mighty hands,

You, when the enemies come,

You can do it in difficult times

Protect your friends.

Never allow

Set a thermometer for yourself

And don't swallow pills,

And don't eat powders.

Let your stomach and teeth hurt,

Throat, ears, head,

Don't take any medicine anyway

And don't listen to the doctor.

The heart stops beating

But for sure

They won't stick mustard plaster on you

And they won't give you an injection.

If you are hospitalized

And you don’t want to lie there,

Wait until they come to your room

The most important doctor will come.

Bite him and immediately

Your treatment will end

That same evening from the hospital

They'll take you home.

If mom is in the store

I just bought you a ball

And he doesn't want the rest

Buy everything he sees,

Stand straight, heels together,

Place your arms to the sides,

Open your mouth wider

And shout the letter "A"!

And when, dropping the bags,

With a cry: “Citizens! Anxiety!"

Buyers will rush

Led by sellers

The store director is here to see you

He will crawl up and tell his mother:

"Take everything for free,

Let him just shut up."

When you are your own mother

Leads to dentists

Don't expect mercy from her

Don't shed unnecessary tears.

Be silent like a captured partisan

And grit your teeth like that

So that she won’t be able to unclench them

Crowd of dentists.

If you stayed at home

Alone without parents

I can offer you

An interesting game

Titled "The Brave Chef"

Or "The Brave Cook".

The essence of the game is preparation.

All kinds of delicious dishes.

I suggest for starters

Here's a simple recipe:

Need to wear daddy's shoes

Pour out my mother's perfume,

And then these shoes

Apply shaving cream

And, watering them with fish oil

With black mascara in half,

Throw in the soup that mom

I prepared it in the morning.

And cook with the lid closed

Exactly seventy minutes.

You'll find out what happens

When the adults come.

If your friend is the best

Slipped and fell

Point your finger at a friend

And grab your stomach.

Let him see, lying in a puddle, -

You're not upset at all.

A real friend doesn't love

Upset your friends.

If you're not sure yet

We have chosen a path in life

And you don't know why

Start your labor journey,

Break the light bulbs in the hallways -

People will thank you.

You will help the people

Save electricity.

To kick you out of your apartment

Various flies and mosquitoes,

I need to pull back the curtain

And spin it over your head.

Pictures will fly off the walls,

There are flowers from the windowsill.

The TV will tumble

The chandelier will crash into the parquet.

And, escaping from the roar,

Mosquitoes will fly away

And the frightened flies

The flock will rush south.

If you decided in the morning

To behave,

Feel free to go into the closet

And dive into the darkness.

There's no mom or dad there,

Only daddy's pants.

No one will shout loudly there:

“Stop it! Do not dare! Don't touch me!

It will be much easier there

Without disturbing anyone,

Behave all day long

And lead decently.

Decided to fight - choose

The one who is weaker.

But the strong can fight back,

Why do you need her?

The younger the one you hit,

The more joyful the heart

Watch him cry, scream,

And he calls mommy.

But if suddenly for the baby

Someone stepped up

Run, scream and cry loudly,

And call mommy.

There is a reliable way dad

Drive you crazy forever.

Tell your dad honestly

What did you do yesterday.

If he can

Stay on your feet

Explain what to do

Tomorrow you think.

And when with a crazy look

Dad will sing songs

Call an ambulance.

Her phone number is 03.

If you were walking around wearing a hat,

And then she disappeared

Don't worry, mom is home

You can lie about something.

But try to lie beautifully,

To look in admiration,

Holding my breath, mom

I listened to lies for a long time.

But if you lied

About the lost hat

What is it in an unequal battle

A spy took it from you,

Try to mom

I didn’t go to be indignant

To foreign intelligence

They won't understand her that way.

“We need to share with the younger ones!”

“We need to help the younger ones!”

Never forget

These are the rules, friends.

Repeat very quietly

Theirs to someone older than you

So that the younger ones about it

We didn't find out anything.

If your hands are at lunch

You got the salad dirty

And you feel embarrassed about the tablecloth

Wipe your fingers,

Lower it discreetly

They are under the table, and it’s calm there

Wipe your hands

About the neighbor's pants.

If you're in your pocket

I didn't find a penny

Look into your neighbor's pocket -

Obviously the money is there.

If your desk neighbor

Became a source of infection

Hug him and off to school

You won't come for two weeks.

To spontaneous combustion

Didn't happen in the house

Leaving the premises

Take your iron with you.

Vacuum cleaner, electric stove,

TV and floor lamp

Better, with light bulbs together,

Take it to the neighboring yard.

And it will be even more reliable

Cut the wires

So that throughout your area

Immediately the light went out.

Here you can be sure

You're almost certainly

What from spontaneous combustion

The house was safely protected.

Matches are the best toy

For bored children.

Dad's tie, car passport -

Here's a small fire.

If you throw the slippers

Or put a broom

You can fry a whole chair

Cook the fish soup in the nightstand.

If adults are somewhere

The matches were hidden from you,

Explain to them that matches

For the fire you need.

If you wash your son

Mom suddenly discovers

That she is not washing her son,

And someone else’s daughter...

Don't let mom be nervous

Well, does she care?

There are no differences

Between dirty children.

When you get old, go

Walk along the street.

Don't get on the bus, anyway

You'll have to stand there.

And nowadays there are few fools,

To give way,

And to those distant times

There won't be any of them at all.

Running away from the tram,

Don't rush under the dump truck.

Wait at the traffic light

Won't show up yet

Ambulance car -

It's full of doctors

Let them crush you.

They will heal themselves later.

If you want enemies

Win with one blow

Rockets and shells for you,

And there's no need for cartridges.

Drop to them by parachute

***********************

(Fill out this line yourself.)

An hour later the enemies, sobbing,

They will come running to surrender.

If you are the last one on the council

You don’t want to insert a line yourself,

Choose any one for yourself

From those offered to you.

Drop them by parachute:

Your little sister

Dad, grandma and mom,

Two bags of rubles and three rubles,

The headmistress of your school,

The full staff of the teachers' council

Engine from "Zaporozhets"

Dozens of dentists

Chernov's boy Sasha,

Little Masha Oster,

Tea from the school canteen,

The book “Bad Advice”...

An hour later the enemies, sobbing,

They will come running to surrender.

If you are called to dinner,

Hide proudly under the sofa

And lie there quietly,

So that they don’t find you right away.

And when from under the sofa

They will drag you by the legs,

Break out and bite

Don't give up without a fight.

If they do get it

And they will seat you at the table,

Tip the cup over

Pour the soup on the floor.

Cover your mouth with your hands

Fall down from the chair.

And throw the cutlets up,

Let them stick to the ceiling.

In a month people will say

Sincerely about you:

“He looks thin and dead,

But the character is strong.”

If you decide first

To join the ranks of your fellow citizens -

Never catch up

Rushing forward.

Five minutes later, cursing,

They will run back

And then, leading the crowd,

You will rush ahead.

If to dad or mom

Adult aunt came

And someone important leads

And a serious conversation

Need from behind unnoticed

sneak up on her and then

Shout loudly in your ear:

“Stop! Give up! Hands up!"

And when auntie gets off the chair

He'll fall out of fright

And he'll spill it on his dress

Tea, compote or jelly,

It's probably very loud

Mom will laugh

And, proud of my child,

Dad will shake your hand.

Dad will take you by the shoulder

And it will lead somewhere.

It'll probably be there for a very long time

Dad will praise you.

Get yourself a notebook

And write down in detail

Who's who at recess

How many times have I sent it to where?

Who is the physical education teacher with?

I drank kefir in the gym,

And what does dad say to mom at night?

He whispered quietly in his ear.

Are you being held accountable?

Well, know how to answer.

Don't shake, don't whine, don't mumble,

Never hide your eyes.

For example, my mother asked:

“Who scattered the toys?”

Answer that it's dad

He brought his friends.

Did you get into a fight with your little brother?

Say he's the first

Kicked you in the neck

And he swore like a bandit.

If they ask who is in the kitchen

I bit all the cutlets,

Answer that the cat is the neighbor's,

Or perhaps the neighbor himself.

No matter what you've done wrong,

Learn to answer.

For each one's actions

I must answer boldly.

If you are determined

Steal a plane to the West,

But you can't think of it

How to scare pilots

Read passages to them

From today's newspaper, -

And they go to any country

They will fly away with you.

It's better to tease from the window,

From the eighth floor.

From a tank is also good,

When the armor is strong.

But if you want to bring

People to bitter tears,

They're the safest

Tease on the radio.

When a guest drops his cup,

Don't hit your guest in the forehead.

Give me another cup, let me

He drinks tea calmly.

When this cup is a guest

Will fall off the table

Pour tea into his glass,

And let him drink in peace.

When will all the dishes be a guest?

In the apartment he will interrupt,

I'll have to pour some sweet tea

By the scruff of his neck.

If you are on the phone

Called a fool

And they didn’t wait for an answer,

Throwing the phone down,

Dial quickly

From any random numbers

And to the one who picks up the phone,

Tell me - I'm a fool.

Address of the school where

I was lucky to study

Like a multiplication table

Remember firmly, by heart,

And when will it happen to you

Meet a saboteur

Without wasting a minute,

Please provide the school address.

Don't be upset if

Calling mom to school

Or dad. Do not be shy,

Bring the whole family.

Let uncles and aunts come

And second cousins

If you have a dog,

Bring her too.

If you decided to sister

Just to scare as a joke,

And she’s down the wall from you

Runs away barefoot

So the jokes are funny

They don't reach her

And you shouldn’t give it to your sister

Live mice in slippers.

If you caught your sister

With the grooms in the yard,

Don't rush her quickly

Give it to mom and dad.

Let the parents first

She will be given in marriage

Then you'll tell your husband

Everything you know about your sister.

If he's chasing you

Too many people

Ask them in detail

What are they upset about?

Try to console everyone.

Give everyone advice

But reduce the speed

Absolutely no use.

Don't be offended by

Who hits you with their hands?

And don't be lazy every time

Thank him

For sparing no effort,

He hits you with his hands

And I could take it in these hands

And a stick and a brick.

If a friend's birthday

I invited you to my place,

You leave the gift at home -

It will come in handy yourself.

Try to sit next to the cake.

Don't engage in conversations.

You're talking

Eat half as much candy.

Choose smaller pieces

To swallow faster.

Don't grab the salad with your hands -

You can scoop up more with a spoon.

If they suddenly give you nuts,

Place them carefully in your pocket,

But don't hide the jam there -

It will be difficult to take it out.

A book about delicious and healthy food for the cannibal.

Never agree to listen to this book and never read it yourself. If they do force you to read or force you to read it out loud, close your eyes, plug your ears with your fingers and shout something loud so that you are sure not to hear anything. The main thing to remember is that it is not true that the cannibal eats only ill-mannered boys and girls. He likes the well-mannered ones even more because they are much tastier. And also, know that there is a very simple way to escape from the cannibal when he catches you. At the very last second, as soon as he opens his mouth, say to the nasty little voice: “Have you washed your hands?” “No,” the cannibal will say. “Here, go, wash it,” you say, “and then sit down to sleep.” And when the cannibal runs to wash his hands, shout after him: “With soap, with soap! I'll check!" No self-respecting cannibal will ever return to you after this, and you can slowly get out of the plate and calmly go home for dinner.

Dear parents! Here is a home educator's cookbook. This is a terrible piece of work. Don't even think about reading it to your children at night! Only in the morning! And only if you still decided to lecture them in the morning, throw reproaches at them, prick them with reproaches, and also nag them, poke them, bug them and poke their noses at what they had done until lunchtime. Then it’s better to read to them a book about the delicious and healthy food of the cannibal. In the end, going through different methods of education, it is not difficult to come to the thought: “The simplest and least funny thing a person can do to a person is to eat him!”

Arrogant with a hot nose

Place a very arrogant girl in a frying pan, praise her several times, as soon as she lifts her nose, pour sunflower oil over it, fry it well and eat while praising.

Pickled girls

Select dirty, disheveled crybaby girls, wash, comb their hair and tightly fill a strong wooden tub with them. You don’t need to sprinkle salt - the girls themselves will cry a tub full of salty tears.

Jerky boys

Take several boys who have not eaten anything and hang them by the collar on a hanger in the hallway. Do not take pictures under any circumstances, even if they ask you to leave for a minute. After a few days, the boys will acquire a specific taste and aroma.

Curious girls with soft buns

Lock the curious girls in the oven and, while they are hustling around the cracks, cook as many buns as possible. Serve separately, without showing a single bun to curious girls.

BROTH WITH RASTERS

Place bay leaves, peppers, and boiled carrots cut into slices in the rasteryas' pockets, and place the rasteras in meat or chicken broth.

After a few minutes, everything that was put in the pockets will be lost and will begin to float in the broth. The finished dish can be served to the table.

SPOILED CHILDREN WITH EGG YOLK

Pamper children beyond belief, then roll them in egg yolk, sprinkle them with sugar and, without allowing them to lick each other, serve them immediately.

CANNED DIRTY

Take several boys rolled in mud, add one girl smeared with jam to them, put them all in an opaque glass jar, close the lid tightly and put them in a dark place so that no one can ever see them. Canned grub nicely decorates any table.

KRIVLYAKA IN HIS OWN DRESS

Remove the sandals from the grimacing girl and place her on a dish smeared with mustard. Sandals can be eaten later as a snack.

Screamer with whipped cream

Throw the loudly screaming boy waving his arms into thick cream and, as soon as a lot of foam appears, carry him to the table, having previously plugged his ears with cotton wool.

BORSHCH FROM BUGS WITH FIGHTERS

Take the same number of sneaks and brawlers, put them in the same pan, cover them with tomato paste, mix well and cook, often throwing beets at the sneaks and brawlers. Instead of salt, you can add a few crybabies to the already prepared borscht.

SALAD OF TOUGH BOYS AND GIRLS

Pour cold water over three very offended boys and four even more offended girls, cut the onion into thin slices and sprinkle it on the heads of all the offended ones until they are completely offended. The finished salad can be decorated with a large angry girl on top.

STUPID BOY WITH DUMPLINGS

First, cook the dumplings over low heat, and then quickly throw them at the boy who is constantly talking nonsense.

When serving a boy to the table, you don’t have to plug your ears with cotton wool, but simply ignore everything he says.

SNEAKS IN CHEESE

Release a dozen sneaks and one crawl onto the kitchen table, and put a piece of cheese with a lot of holes there. As soon as the sneaky ones sniff out the holes and get into the cheese, spread the bread with butter, cover with cheese and have a snack.

Cunning people in crackers

Soak the three tricksters in milk and roll them in breadcrumbs. Throw it into the frying pan and, without succumbing to any tricks, fry for an hour. Just don’t forget: the better they are fried, the smarter they are.

CAUGHT STILLS WITH STUPIDS

If you come across at least five stupid children at once, you can cook them into a tasty and nutritious dish. Slowly drop large cabbage leaves into boiling water, and then put one stupid child in each cabbage leaf and wrap it in the form of sausages.

HNYKALKI COLD WITH HORRISHED

Place the whining girls in even rows on a platter or plate, garnish with parsley, colorful bows and lettuce leaves. Stuff green onions between them and pour vinegar over it all, adding a little grated dry horseradish.

FOOL WITH POPPY

Sprinkle poppy seeds on an incredibly stupid girl and promise her whatever she wants. Eat happy.

GREEDY IN THEIR OWN JUICE

Take a few selected greedy people and give them as much delicious juice as possible. Then throw all the greedy ones, along with their juice, into a deep saucepan and add salt and pepper to taste.

It is better to eat greedy people by swallowing them whole, because they will never part with even the smallest piece.

WARRIOR WITH SOUR GOOSLEMS

Place the trembling, trembling girl with fear on her stomach down on the kitchen board. Waving a very sharp, huge knife in front of her nose for a long time. When goosebumps run down the girl’s back, collect them in a small saucepan with a lid, boil them in lemon juice and release them back onto her back. A warrior with sour goosebumps will taste even better if you shoot him behind her back with a toy pistol with caps before eating.

SOUR CHILDREN'S SHIPPING SOUP

Select the children with the most sour faces. Soak in citric acid and try. The ones that are too sour are immediately thrown out the door, and the rest are put in a saucepan, filled up to their ears with water and cooked, cooked, cooked - until they cheer up. Good cabbage soup from sour children!

INCIDENT IN TOMATO

Shave the arrogant boy, discourage him from being rude and pour tomato juice into all his pockets. In this form it is already ready and very useful.

INSPIRED GIRLS UNDER MAYONNAISE

Place a dozen hot-tempered girls in a pan with olive oil and put it on the stove. As soon as they boil, immediately pour cold mayonnaise on top. A very high-calorie dish.

SAUSAGE WITH HUMBLES

Three shy girls are placed on a plate next to the sausage and shamed until they are browned. This is where you eat it.

PILAF WITH SPITTING CHILDREN

Bury the spitting children as deeply as possible in the warm boiled rice and immediately cover with a lid. As soon as the pilaf is ready, immediately remove the lid and quickly eat it, otherwise they will dig it up, spit from head to toe and spit into your soul.

BULLIES IN UNIFORM WITH HOT BULLIES

Warm up the bullies and, as soon as they get hot, throw a few bullies with bloody noses at them. Usually they eat the bullies first, and then feast on the bullies, from which three or four skins must be skinned before eating.

Small fry in pots

Place the small fry together with the pots into a large cauldron, mix thoroughly, season to taste and eat before lunch to stimulate the appetite.

UGLY BOY WITH PEPPER

Choose from among the nasty boys someone who makes you sick to look at, give him pepper, pour ketchup down his collar and bring it to the guests, warning that the boy might do something dirty by putting a pig in his place.

FLOUR DISHES FROM POCHEMUCHEK

You can prepare many hearty and tasty dishes from whycheks if, without answering any questions, you immediately roll the whycheks into the dough, having first sealed their mouths with thick butter cream.

JULIEN FROM IMAGINE

Place very proud and self-satisfied children in small saucepans with pre-prepared gravy. Cook for an hour. After that, lift the lids and try. If they turn out to be too proud, let them eat themselves.

PET IN SYRUP AND WITH CREAM

Cover your sweet pet from head to toe with thick cherry syrup and decorate with cream roses. Eat in small portions so as not to vomit.

HITTING BOY WITH SAUCE

Scare the cowardly boy greatly, put him in a large saucepan, pour plenty of semolina porridge on him and cook for a long time, occasionally lifting the lid of the saucepan and slightly scaring him so that he does not stop hiccupping. When serving, give it a big scare again.

Sweet tooths in marinade

Three sweet tooths, who have eaten cakes, sweets and marmalade in the morning, are marinated in a glass jar and stored in a cool, dry place. During the winter season, they can serve as a good snack.

OMELET FROM JUVENILE DEFENDANTS

Select two dozen small-scale swindlers (the smaller the better), squeeze a confession out of each and, having removed all suspicion from them, toss them in a frying pan until they completely repent. If they don’t crack, bite them through.

SAD CHILDREN WITH SOUR CREAM

Children who don’t know what to do are placed in a very large saucepan, filled with sour cream up to their knees and left there to wander around with nothing to do until the evening. Eat for dinner.

SONYA WITH FILLING

Place the sleepy, yawning girl on a baking sheet and cover with a large number of large red tomatoes. Every time he yawns, stuff three of them into it. The tomato-stuffed dormouse sleeps like the dead, and you can boil, fry or simmer it over low heat. Before you eat, wake him up.

FORSHMAK FROM HULIGANS

You can make a good mincemeat out of hooligans if you give them as much heat as possible and, raising the temperature to one hundred degrees, do not let them go down for an hour. Place the hooligans brought to a boil on plates; as soon as they cool down, forgive and eat.

RAZZYAVS STUFFED WITH CRAVES

Having opened their mouths open, drive them onto the birch tree, wait for more crows to fly into their mouths, remove the harvest from the birch, clamp the gaped mouths with clothespins so that the crows do not fly away, and for grandma’s birthday, bake the gaped crows stuffed into a big beautiful pie.

FAST FROZEN GIRLS

Treat three girls to twenty servings of ice cream at once. When they eat it, give seven more servings. As soon as the girls stuffed with ice cream are frozen, put on mittens and, carefully picking up the jingling girls by the legs, put them in the freezer. On a hot summer day there is nothing nicer than a hard, cold girl.

COMPOTE OF SPOILED BOYS

If your boys are completely spoiled, make compote out of them. To do this, you need to properly treat the spoiled boys, having first taken the soul out of them.

RUBBER WITH MUSHROOMS

Rub the boy shouting insolence with garlic and feed him fly agarics. When eating a brute rubbed with garlic and fed with fly agarics, be prepared to hear from him many words that are new to you.

SCHNITZEL FROM DUR

Gather the idiots together, let them speak, and immediately cook a big juicy schnitzel from the idiots who spoke. Chew and swallow thoroughly.

STINKY WITH VANILLA

A boy who has never washed himself should be shaved bald, sprinkled with vanilla, sprinkled with cologne and swallowed, holding his and his nose.

CHILDREN WITH COLD EARS

Children who refuse to wear hats are placed on ice and covered with snow. After an hour, dig up, measure the temperature and pull the ears. If the temperature is below forty and the ears are not falling off yet, bury them in the snow again.

WET CHICKEN FUCKING

Place a rag on the bottom of the pan. Take rokhlya, sour milk, tutya and several wet chickens, spread it all over the walls of the pan and pour jelly over it. If it turns out sour, throw it away.

SLOTS WITH CLEANS

Place an equal number of neaties and slobs in one bowl, throw in three pieces of soap, two washcloths, ten shoe brushes and one clothes brush, pour in fresh dirt, wait until the cleanliness are cleaned and the slobs are dirty, and solemnly serve.

FIDDIES ON SPITS

Boys and girls who have not sat still for a minute are skewered one by one and placed on the coals. Do not turn the skewer. The fidgets themselves will turn upside down every two minutes. Remove the finished fidgets from the spit, place the boys and girls on different plates, calm them down and eat them.

Wimps and Wimps with STRONG DRINKS

Pour a strong drink into a glass, pick up a bunch of squishies by the collar, swallow them all at once and quickly drink to their health. Snack on the weaklings.

SMART GUYS WITH BOILED BRAINS

It is good to raise very smart children, teach algebra, physics, botany and three foreign languages. Place in a pot. If the pot doesn't cook, it means there were no brains. Eat without your brains.

A SPICY DISH OF SCRATCHING GIRLS

Both large and small girls are suitable for this dish, but always with uncut nails. Wash the selected girls in hot brine and place them in a tub, shaking it from time to time so that more can fit. When taking out ready-made girls after a month, you need to carefully monitor so that you don’t get a biter among the scratching ones.

NURNY IN A BROTH OF TEARS

Throw sad crybabies into the saucepan. Add a few spoons of sugar. Do not pour water, do not pour salt. Very upsetting several times. As soon as they shed a tear, cover tightly with a lid and leave to sob over low heat. After an hour of drowning in tears, June can be served, having first seasoned the broth with kicking roaring cows.

COWARDY IN SOOT PANTS

Tell a timid boy a very scary tale, if his pants remain dry, make a face, show his teeth and, as soon as the pants are thoroughly wet and well soaked, start eating.

Naughty in chocolate

In the evening, melt the chocolate, dip the naughty boy headlong into it and leave it to dry in a draft until the morning. In the morning, when the chocolate has hardened, you can top the birthday cake with a chocolate naughty figurine.

MARCHING BOYS MEAT

Line up the marching boys according to their height, let them smell gunpowder, weed out those who are out of the ordinary, put the rest through a meat grinder. Don't let him go back. Sprinkle the finished mixture with toy pistols and drumsticks and make one big cutlet out of the marching boys.

BITS FROM BANGED BOYS

Pluck some freshly beheaded boys and gut their pockets for nails, slingshots and percussion caps. Dip them in flour, sprinkle salt on top, grease the bottom with oil, fry and eat as quickly as possible before they do something bad again.

BOYS LOOK LIKE A GIRL WITH SOFT FINGERS

Pour several pampered, languid boys into one saucepan, dilute with sweet water, dilute with fragrant shampoo and hand cream, dissolve two handkerchiefs and four lace collars in the resulting slurry. After two hours, strain through gauze and drink in small sips.

FULL PRESCHOOL CHILDREN

If you want to save your preschool supplies until spring, melt them all down. Then put each preschooler in a separate, pre-heated jar, crumble a few picture books into each jar so that the preschooler does not get bored and, tightly covering the lid, lower them into the cold cellar.

PASTA CONFUSION

Boil a full pot of pasta, drain the water and place the pasta in a deep plate. Throw in a child who has confused his parents. Wait until he gets completely confused, gets lost and gets tangled in the pasta. As soon as it completely stops floundering and gets stuck forever, set it on the right path, add a piece of butter and eat it.

FORGETIVE CHILDREN WITH CHICKEN MEMORY

Take as many children with holes in their heads as possible and fill their heads with exceptions to the rules. Pluck the chicken memory, gut it, tell the children to keep an eye on it and put it in the pressure cooker with them. As soon as the exceptions fly out of the children's heads, and the chicken memory is lost from them, start eating.

JERKED FOOLS WITH FELT FEET FEET FEET FEET FULL OF BEER

String the stupid boys on a string and hang them on the balcony. Buy ten bottles of beer and a pair of felt boots. Uncork the bottles and pour the beer into felt boots. While drinking beer from felt boots on the balcony, pull the dried fools from the string and eat the beer with them.

MUMMY WITH PORRIDGE IN YOUR MOUTH

A child who does not want to pronounce a single letter should be seated at the table and filled to the ears with porridge. Place the porridge that does not fit on your ears, in your sandals and in your bosom. Fry well and serve with a salad of vigorous, fresh balabolkas.

PANCAKES WITH SLIPPERY BOYS

Collect some boys who have been wallowing in the mud, smear them with goose fat and wrap each boy in a separate pancake. If any boy slips out of the pancake onto the floor, do not pick him up, but take another one just like him. If there aren't enough pancakes, throw the extra boys back into the dirt.

VINAIGRETTE OF RAW CHILDREN

Take the children out of their cribs in the morning. Select the raw ones, put them in a deep plate and cover them with sheets. Drizzle sunflower oil on top and serve for breakfast.

VICIOUS CHILD IN TEST

Soften the fierce child, who throws himself at everyone, a little, butter him, cover him with dough on all sides, place him in the oven and slowly bring him to white heat. Remove from the oven, soften it again and soften it again on a plate.

LOSED GIRLS

Melt the butter in a frying pan and release the completely loose girls onto it. After they run around the frying pan for about twenty minutes, they* can be served, having first finely chopped... lemon peel and sprinkled it on the girls' heads.

PIES WITH STICKS AND STICKS

Pies with such a filling must be made strong enough and durable, otherwise the pesters with the sticky ones will get out and will never get rid of you. As a last resort, sprinkle them with pepper and smear them in mustard - maybe they will come off.

AZU FROM EGOZA

Stop the fidgety third-grader spinning like a top, cut her shoes into thin slices and throw them into the bubbling gravy.

When serving, make sure that she does not splash your guests with hot gravy while jumping on the plate with a string.

HUGE MAN PUSHING WITH A GOOSE CARCASS

A large, healthy seventh grader was waylaid in the school cafeteria. As soon as he pushes the kids aside and makes his way forward, grab him across the body and put him in a cast-iron goose bowl along with the goose. Allow both carcasses to stew well, and the main thing is to make sure that they do not push each other out of the goose nest.

PEPPER BOY WITH SWEET PEPPERS

Take a child who disagrees with nothing and, without listening to his objections, place him in a cauldron with sweet peppers. Simmer for an hour, not paying attention to angry protests and indignant cries. Place on a plate along with the peppers and, without getting into arguments, eat in silence.

TIRED OF BORED IN HOT LIVERS

Buy fresh beef livers at the market and bake them in them, first wrapping them in a cotton blanket so that it (the hateful one) does not cool the hot livers. Eating carefully, if it gets across your throat, push it through.

PEAS SCARED WITH DILL

A child who has put on his pants backwards, pulled his shirt upside down and confused his left shoe with his right, put in this form on a dish and cover his head with finely chopped dill. This will improve the taste and appearance of the dish and, in addition, enrich it with vitamins.

BERRY JAM WITH NASTERS

Instead of throwing worthless girls into the trash, make berry jam out of them. Having separated those that can still recover, put the rest in bowls with crumpled, crushed and wormy berries, sprinkle generously with powdered sugar and cook until the worms from the berries crawl onto the girls. Cool the finished jam and eat it if you don’t feel sick.

BROOCH OF THOROUGH VICTORY

Free the stomping and constantly snarling bastard from the thorns, sand and cook until blue in the face. Pour the resulting broth onto the floor. Wipe the floor with a rag. Wring out the rag into a jar. Close the jar tightly with a lid and hide it from other children.

GARDEN GULENS WITH WILD GROWING GULIANS

Wild gulens most often grow inconspicuous, dirty and small bunches, while garden gulens, as a rule, ripen in large pairs and have delicate skin with a strong, tart smell. It is best to collect both on a warm summer evening. Store in wicker baskets separately from each other to prevent spoilage. Wash before use, place in a circle on a spacious dish, prohibit singing stupid songs with a guitar, and serve after dinner as a dessert.

SELF-ENJOYED SCHOOLGIRL

Place the girl, delighted with her appearance, in front of the mirror, let her look at herself until she forgets herself, shower her with large bows and small buttons, delight her and serve her for tea.

GRUMBLE SQUIRRING WITH CRISPY CRUSH

First boil a child who is constantly grumbling, dissatisfied with everything and everyone, and then fry on both sides until a crispy crust appears. If he doesn’t like that either, spank him right in the frying pan, throw him on the floor and send him home.

PRETZELS FROM STUNNED LENGTHS

Bend the overgrown slouching child into an arch, fold it in half, tie it with a bow, cover it with cotton candy on all sides and surround it with care, taking care of it every day from the morning until you receive your passport. Eat it along with your passport.

BOY SCREECHING FRIED

The squealing, screaming, kicking, kicking and rolling boy can simply be fried and eaten without further ado.

FANTASERS WITHOUT Wrappers

Boys with wild imaginations are wrapped in candy wrappers and thrown into a large cake box. As soon as the box is full, put it in the cupboard. When you want something special, take it out one at a time and demand that it unfold and go into your mouth on its own.

STEAMED TORMANTS WITH SOUR CARRIAGES

Hang the brats on strings over a boiling cauldron. Those who escape should be caught with a net and hung up again. After fifteen minutes, remove the first pair of steamed tomboys from the strings and place them on a dish along with the apples that have fallen from the branches. Place the remaining tomboys on a dish as soon as they are steamed. Place a dish with carrion and tomboys in the center of the table and invite guests.

TIPS FOR NOSTOBIENT CHILDREN.

Recently, scientists discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: “Wash your face in the morning” - they take it and don’t wash it. They are told: “Say hello to each other” - they immediately begin not to greet each other. Scientists have come up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do everything the other way around, and it will turn out just right.

Who hasn't jumped out of a window?
Together with my mother's umbrella,
That dashing parachutist
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.

If the whole family goes swimming
You went to the river
Don't bother mom and dad
Sunbathe on the shore.
Don't start a scream
Give the adults a break.
Without pestering anyone,
Try to drown.

If a friend's birthday
I invited you to my place,
You leave the gift at home -
It will come in handy yourself.
Try to sit next to the cake.
Don't engage in conversations.
You're talking
Eat half as much candy.
Choose smaller pieces
To swallow faster.
Don't grab the salad with your hands
You can scoop up more with a spoon.
If they suddenly give you nuts,
Place them carefully in your pocket,
But don't hide the jam there -
It will be difficult to remove.

Never stupid questions
Don't ask yourself
Or even more stupid
You will find the answer to them.
If the questions are stupid
Appeared in my head
Ask them straight away to adults.
Let their brains crack.

Born a girl - be patient
Trips and pushes.
And put your pigtails on everyone,
Who wouldn't mind pulling them?
But someday later
Show them the fig
And you will say: “Figurines, for you
I won't get married!"

If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put it on you
Your new coat,
You shouldn't crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.
So as not to spoil or stain
Your new coat,
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Roll on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Very soon it will become old
Your new coat,
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.

If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And towards you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
There is a solid refrigerator in the kitchen.
Better brake like dad.
Dad is soft. He will forgive.

The main business of your life
Any trifle can become a problem.
You just have to firmly believe
There is no more important matter.
And then it won't hurt
You are neither cold nor hot,
Choking with delight,
Do nonsense.

Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom,
Try to surrender to your mother, -
Dad takes no prisoners.
By the way, find out from your mother,
Has she forgotten -
Beat prisoners on the butt with a belt
Prohibited by the Red Cross.

If you are the whole world of violence
Are you going to destroy
And at the same time you dream of becoming
Everything without being anything
Feel free to follow us
Along the paved road,
We will give you this path
We might even give in.

If you came to see your friends,
Don't say hello to anyone.
Words: "please", "thank you"
Do not tell anybody.
Turn away and ask questions
Don't answer anyone's questions.
And then no one will say
About you, that you are a talker.

If anything happened
And no one is to blame
Don't go there or else
You will be to blame.
Hide somewhere on the side.
And then go home.
And about the fact that I saw this,
Do not tell anybody.

If they didn't buy you a cake
And they didn’t take us to the cinema in the evening,
You need to be offended by your parents,
And go without a hat into the cold night.
But not just like that
Wander the streets
And in the dense dark
Forest to go.
There's a wolf right there for you
Hungry to meet,
And, of course, quickly
He will eat you.
Then mom and dad will know
They will scream, cry and run away.
And they will rush to buy cake,
And to the cinema with you
They'll pick you up in the evening.

There is a sure way to please adults:
In the morning, start yelling and littering,
Eavesdropping, whining, running around the house
Kicking and begging for gifts from everyone.
Be rude, cunning, tease and lie,
And in the evening suddenly stop for an hour, -
And immediately, stroking with a touched smile,
All the adults will pat you on the head
And they will say that you are a wonderful boy
And there is no child nicer than you.

If you came to the Christmas tree,
Demand your gift right away
Look, there's no candy
Santa Claus has not healed.
And don't you dare carefree
Bring home leftovers.
How mom and dad gallop -
Half will be taken away.

If punishment awaits you
For bad behavior
For example, for being in the bathroom
Have you bathed your cat?
Without asking permission
Neither the cat nor the mother,
I can suggest you a way
How to escape from punishment.
Hit your head on the floor,
Beat yourself in the chest with your hands
And sob and shout: “Oh, why did I torture the cat!?
I am worthy of terrible punishment!
My shame can only be redeemed by death!"
Not even half a minute will pass,
How, crying with you,
They will forgive you and, to console you,
They will run for a sweet cake.
And then calm down the cat
Lead me by the tail to the bath,
After all, a cat is a tell-all
He will never be able to.

For example, in your pocket
It turned out to be a handful of sweets,
And they came towards you
Your true friends.
Don't be scared and don't hide,
Don't rush to run away
Don't shove all the candy
Along with candy wrappers in your mouth.
Approach them calmly
Without saying unnecessary words,
Quickly taking it out of his pocket,
Give them... your palm.
Shake their hands firmly,
Say goodbye slowly
And, turning the first corner,
Rush home quickly.
To eat candy at home,
Get under the bed
Because there, of course,
You won't meet anyone.

Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white cloak.
Gently pour the juice onto the cloak -
You will get a stain.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's cloak,
The entire cloak must be put in
Into thick cherry juice.

Take your mother's cherry raincoat
And a mug of milk.
Pour the milk carefully -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's cloak,
The entire cloak must be put in
In a saucepan with milk.

Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white cloak.
Lay carefully...

If you broke a window,
Don't rush to admit it.
Wait, won't it start?
Suddenly there is a civil war.
The artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.

Never wash your hands
Neck, ears and face.
This is a stupid thing to do
Doesn't lead to anything.
Your hands will get dirty again
Neck, ears and face,
So why waste energy?
Time to waste.
It's also useless to get a haircut,
There's no point.
By old age by itself
Your head will go bald.

Never allow
Set a thermometer for yourself
And don't swallow pills,
And don't eat powders.
Let your stomach and teeth hurt,
Throat, ears, head,
Don't take any medicine anyway
And don't listen to the doctor.
The heart stops beating
But for sure
They won't stick mustard plaster on you
And they won't give you an injection.
If you are hospitalized
And you don’t want to lie there,
Wait until they come to your room
The most important doctor will come.
Bite him - and immediately
Your treatment will end
That same evening from the hospital
They'll take you home.

If mom is in the store
I just bought you a ball
And he doesn't want the rest
Buy everything he sees,
Stand straight, heels together,
Place your arms to the sides,
Open your mouth wider
And shout the letter "A"!
And when, dropping the bags,
With a cry: "Citizens! Alarm!"
Buyers will rush
Led by sellers
The store director is here to see you
He will crawl up and tell his mother: “Take everything for free,
Let him just shut up."

When you are your own mother
Leads to dentists
Don't expect mercy from her
Don't shed unnecessary tears.
Be silent like a captured partisan
And grit your teeth like that
So that she won’t be able to unclench them
Crowd of dentists.

If you stayed at home
Alone without parents
I can offer you
An interesting game
Titled "The Brave Chef"
Or "The Brave Cook".
The essence of the game is preparation.
All kinds of delicious dishes.
I suggest for starters
Here's a simple recipe:
Need to wear daddy's shoes
Pour out my mother's perfume,
And then these shoes
Apply shaving cream
And, watering them with fish oil
With black mascara in half,
Throw in the soup that mom
I prepared it in the morning.
And cook with the lid closed
Exactly seventy minutes.
You'll find out what happens
When the adults come.

To kick you out of your apartment
Various flies and mosquitoes,
I need to pull back the curtain
And spin it over your head.
Pictures will fly off the walls,
There are flowers from the windowsill.
The TV will tumble
The chandelier will crash into the parquet.
And, escaping from the roar,
Mosquitoes will fly away
And the frightened flies
The flock will rush south.

If you decided in the morning
To behave,
Feel free to go into the closet
And dive into the darkness.
There's no mom or dad there,
Only daddy's pants.
No one will shout loudly there:
"Stop it! Don't you dare! Don't touch it!"
It will be much easier there
Without disturbing anyone,
Behave all day long
And lead decently.

If to dad or mom
The adult aunt came
And someone important leads
And a serious conversation
Need from behind unnoticed
sneak up on her and then
Shout loudly in your ear:
- Stop! Give up! Hands up!
And when auntie gets off the chair
He'll fall out of fright
And he'll spill it on his dress
Tea, compote or jelly,
It's probably very loud
Mom will laugh
And, proud of my child,
Dad will shake your hand.
Dad will take you by the shoulder
And it will lead somewhere.
It'll probably be there for a very long time
Dad will praise you.

If you are called to dinner,
Hide proudly under the sofa
And lie there quietly,
So that they don’t find you right away.
And when from under the sofa
They will drag you by the legs,
Break out and bite
Don't give up without a fight.
If they do get you
And they will seat you at the table,
Tip the cup over
Pour the soup on the floor.
Cover your mouth with your hands
Fall down from the chair.
And throw the cutlets up,
Let them stick to the ceiling.
In a month people will say
Sincerely about you:
- He looks thin and frail,
But the character is strong.

KEEP YOUR CHILDREN AWAY FROM Oster's BOOKS!

The books of the author Grigory Oster are not only published in huge editions, but are also the basis for numerous cartoons, plays and productions for young viewers. However, the harmful advice of Grigory Oster breaks the sociocultural code of the Russian citizen. It is not clear why the author instills heavy doses of deviant behavior into our children. Are G. Oster's books a mechanism for the Overton Window technology? Do they contribute to the legalization of cannibalism? Read about this in a review of the literary work of one of the most popular and famous modern children's writers, Grigory Oster.

There is no need to introduce Grigory Oster. He surprisingly successfully combines the status of a writer of both Soviet children's literature and post-Soviet literature. Beginning to publish in 1975, Auster became the author of plays for children's theaters. He gained all-Union fame as the creator of scripts for such cartoons as “Kitten Woof”, “38 Parrots”, “Monkeys”. According to him, at that time this was the only way to gain popularity among a wide audience. The harbinger of “Bad Advice” in 1980 and 1986 were two cartoons of the same name, published in the collection “Merry Carousel”. In 1990, his book “Bad Advice” was published. In the late 1990s, M. Epstein and A. Genis included the writer in the list of “Who’s Who in Russian Postmodernism,” and Oster was the only children’s writer on it.

Postmodernism is a movement that, according to philologist Larisa Rudova, blurs boundaries, be it the boundaries of power structures, ideologies or literary genres. The main thing is to get away from the generally accepted canon, from official, generally accepted literature. Everything is possible here: horror films (“Horror School”), advice (“Bad Advice”), puzzles (“Nasty Problems”). For Auster, the classical division of literature into genres, such as fairy tales, epics, myths, etc., is unacceptable. All this creates a strictly hierarchical picture of the world, which is unacceptable for Auster. “You can’t treat authorities like you treat parents. Citizens should not fall in love with government power. You need to fight this love within yourself.”

So how does Auster fight the love of state power? Very simple. Through children's literature. “I always took care of children […] gave harmful advice when the Soviet authorities fooled them. I tried to explain that if a large number of obedient children gather at one point on the planet, then they grow into a large number of obedient adults.” Here it is, it turns out that... So, the bad advice from Grigory Oster is not so useful? However, he claims that children, of course, will never follow his harmful advice, because it is for naughty children. And his readers, of course, are obedient children... In addition, the children's writer claims that his harmful advice is an inoculation against stupidity. But every mother, of course, knows that vaccination is a microdose, which cannot be said about Oster’s books. So why is the author instilling heavy doses of deviant (deviating from the norm) behavior into our children?

I dare to suggest that the works of Grigory Oster, like postmodernism in general, are aimed at breaking the sociocultural code of the Russian citizen.

A feature of Russian culture has always been a clear distinction between high and low. In traditional culture, first through lullabies and then through fairy tales, norms of behavior and life attitudes and values ​​were revealed to the child. Then, through epics, and in Soviet times, through heroic literature, adolescents were given examples of heroes they could emulate. At the same time, in traditional society and later, in the industrial era, a hierarchical model of the structure of the world was introduced into both the consciousness of an individual and the public consciousness. In the family, respect for elders was the basis of traditional education, its alpha and omega. The family model was also inherent in the state structure both in the pre-revolutionary era and in the Soviet era.

Let me give you an example from the book “How to Use Adults.” " A living adult is one of the best wind-up toys. It's not difficult to get an adult... To get an adult, you first need to piss him off. Drawing these conclusions is quite simple. Results are easily achieved with the help of minute-by-minute pestering, attacks from different sides, and frequent tugging of the arms.».

Grigory Oster recommends his books as an excellent means of bringing children and their parents closer together. But are 6-8 year old children really able to understand the author’s irony? Do such texts contribute to strengthening the authority of parents? In my opinion, reading such literature blurs the vertical of parent-child relationships, turning parents and children into play partners. And, as we often see in reality, the role of the main one is not abolished, but passes to the child. Which absolutely reverses the Parent-Child model traditional for Orthodoxy, and other religions too, which symbolizes the relationship between God and Man.

Let's assume that harmful advice is not followed literally by children. But the fact that they are shaking the traditional model of relationships in family and society is absolutely certain.

Over the past 20 years, colossal changes have taken place, which are reflected at the everyday level in statements like: “Well, the youth have gone,” “We weren’t like that,” “Children are different now,” etc. It’s interesting that those who say this see , what do their children and grandchildren read?

The subversive work of Grigory Oster is very reminiscent of tests for testing knowledge at school, when the child is given the task not to solve an example or write a word correctly, but to choose the wrong one from several options. Can anyone answer the question, why would a student, for example, in elementary school, concentrate his attention on something wrong? Moreover, in such a test the answers may be partially correct. That is, confusion occurs, mixing of norm and antinorm: sometimes you need to choose the right answer, sometimes the wrong one...

But Grigory Oster does not stop there. A topic that has been taboo since the dawn of mankind is introduced into circulation. Cannibalism. Don't believe me? "A book about the delicious and healthy food of the cannibal." Here are some "recipes".

Sausage with prudes.
Three shy girls are placed on a plate next to the sausage and shamed until they are browned. This is where you eat it.
Hiccupping boy with sauce.
Scare the cowardly boy greatly, put him in a large saucepan, pour plenty of semolina porridge on him and cook for a long time, occasionally lifting the lid of the saucepan and slightly scaring him so that he does not stop hiccupping. When serving, give it a big scare again.
Sluts with clean people
Place an equal number of neaties and slobs in one bowl, throw in three pieces of soap, two washcloths, ten shoe brushes and one clothes brush, pour in fresh dirt, wait until the cleanliness are cleaned and the slobs are dirty, and solemnly serve.

Another taboo topic that the children's writer did not ignore, this time in the program “The School of a Young Father” on radio “Echo of Moscow”. Incest.
A. Nasibov: In one of your interviews there was a good expression about incest in the family, a completely taboo, forbidden phenomenon.
G. Oster: I believe that in every normal family there is permanent incest: that is, children constantly have parents. In turn, parents continually have children. And in this terrible war of opposites the most important thing is born - love, patience, respect. All this gradually, gradually makes its way through quarrels, disputes, hatreds, petty hatreds, because it is as if parents cannot hate their own children. This is nonsense.

And here, in this place, I really want this guy with a big mustache, a generally recognized expert in pedagogy... to say a few kind things. In his characteristic manner of casual irony, this uncle goes beyond the boundaries of what is permitted, raising the topic of incest, which is truly closed for discussion in traditional society, on the air of a radio station with a multimillion-dollar audience. And if at one time one could say about his harmful advice: “Well, what’s wrong? This is humor in short pants." Now that attention has been drawn to the topic of cannibalism and incest, there is reason to talk quite seriously. There is reason to believe that these statements by Grigory Bentsionovich are the implementation of a technology conventionally called the “Overton Window of Opportunity”.

The essence of technology is to consistently change the perception of a problem in public opinion. “The window is moved, thereby changing the range of possibilities, from the stage of “unthinkable,” that is, completely alien to public morality, completely rejected, to the stage of “current politics,” that is, already widely discussed, accepted by the mass consciousness and enshrined in laws.” But in order for the window to move, it is necessary to bring the body of society to a state of tolerance, that is, the inability to resist harmful influences from the outside. For this purpose, the top and bottom are so actively mixed, for this purpose the idea of ​​​​the hierarchy of the world is broken. Because where there is a vertical, where there is up and down, there is high and low, there are ideals. This means clear ideas about what is good and what is evil.

There have already been examples in history of how, with the help of the laughter of the carnival (which turns everything upside down), the traditional order of things was broken. I'm talking about the period of the Reformation, when the Catholic Church in Western Europe came under violent attack. The desacralization of the Church was carried out, among other things, with the help of literature. In the 16th century, a satirical movement called Grobianism became popular among the people. Here's an example:

When it starts to get dark at seven,
People go out for a walk.
Some alone, some with a friend
They walk along the streets.
And if you're walking too,
Be smarter and stricter.
You shouldn't be embarrassed!
So that the dirt does not stick to the shoes,
You go around the puddles -
Let your friend swim in them!
Choose your paths already.
Trip everyone you meet.
And just for fun, for fun
Push passers-by into ditches!
And, having completed this promenade,
Surely you will be happy.

It feels like “Bad Advice” was written as a carbon copy...
As we can see, it’s time for Grigory Oster to start writing a textbook on deviantology (deviant behavior is behavior deviating from generally accepted norms). But I think the publication of children's books should be prohibited, guided by the Federal Law on the Protection of Children from Harmful Information. The writer devoted his work to undermining the traditional foundations of Russian society. This is something that, for example, even a professor from the United States, a specialist in children’s literature, Larisa Rudova, openly talks about.

“In essence, we can say that the works of Grigory Oster are not only a symptom of the state of culture and society, which has experienced a severe breakdown, but also one of the instruments of this breakdown. Moreover, this instrument was placed by the author in the hands of the most powerful and important member of society - the child.”

Despite this, in 2002 Grigory Oster was awarded the State Prize of the Russian Federation in the field of literature and art for works for children and youth.

Kozlova Elena

Grigory Oster "Bad advice." - Obedient children are prohibited from reading!

Recently, scientists discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: “Wash your face in the morning” - they take it and don’t wash it. They are told: “Say hello to each other” - they immediately begin not to say hello. Scientists have come up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do everything the other way around, and it will turn out just right.
This book is for naughty children

Lost Child
Must remember that it's
They'll take you home as soon as
He will tell you his address.
We need to act smarter
Say: “I live near a palm tree with a monkey on distant islands.”
Lost child
If he's not a fool,
Will not miss the right opportunity
Visit different countries.

Hands never anywhere
Don't touch anything.
Don't get involved in anything
And don't go anywhere.
Move aside silently
Stand modestly in the corner
And stand quietly, without moving,
Until your old age.

Who hasn't jumped out of a window?
Together with my mother's umbrella,
That dashing parachutist
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.

If the whole family goes swimming
You went to the river
Don't bother mom and dad
Sunbathe on the shore.
Don't start a scream
Give the adults a break.
Without pestering anyone,
Try to drown.

There is no more pleasant thing to do
What to pick your nose with.
Everyone is terribly interested
What's hidden inside?
And who is disgusted to look,
Let him not even look.
We don’t get in his way,
Let him not bother you either.
If your mom caught you
For what you love,
For example, while drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper,
Explain to her what it is -
Your surprise for the Eighth of March.
The painting is called:
“Portrait of my dear mother.”

Don't take someone else's if
Strangers are looking at you.
Let them close their eyes
Or they’ll go out for an hour.
Why be afraid of your own people?
They won’t tell about their own people.
Let them look. Grab someone else's
And drag him to yours.

Never stupid questions
Don't ask yourself
Or even more stupid
You will find the answer to them.
If the questions are stupid
Appeared in my head
Ask them straight away to adults.
Let their brains crack.

Visit often
Theater buffet.
There are cakes with cream,
Water with bubbles.
Like firewood on plates
The chocolates are lying
And through a tube you can
Drink a milkshake.
Don't ask for tickets
To the balcony and to the stalls,
Let them give you tickets
To the theater buffet.
Leaving the theater
Take it with you
Under a trembling heart,
In the stomach, a sandwich.

Born a girl - be patient
Trips and pushes.
And put your pigtails on everyone,
Who wouldn't mind pulling them?
But someday later
Show them the fig
And you will say: “Figurines, for you
I won’t get married!”

If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put it on you
Your new coat,
You shouldn't crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.
So as not to spoil or dirty your new coat,
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Roll on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Very soon it will become old
Your new coat,
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.

If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And towards you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
There is a solid refrigerator in the kitchen.
Better brake like dad.
Dad is soft. He will forgive.

If you are united forever,
Illuminated and lead,
Don't try to dodge
From movement to celebration.
Still will raise to work
And it will inspire you to heroism
You are great and mighty,
And our reliable stronghold.

The main business of your life
Any trifle can become a problem.
You just have to firmly believe
There is no more important matter.
And then it won't hurt
You are neither cold nor hot,
Choking with delight,
Do nonsense.

Hit frogs with sticks.
It is very interesting.
Tear off the wings of flies,
Let them run on foot.
Exercise daily
And a happy day will come -
you to some kingdom
They will be accepted as the chief executioner.

Girls should never be
Not to be noticed anywhere.
And don't give them a pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up
Scare from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.
I met a girl - quickly
Stick your tongue out.
Let her not think
That you're in love with her.

Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom,
Try to surrender to your mother, -
Dad takes no prisoners.
By the way, find out from your mother,
Has she forgotten?
Beat prisoners on the butt with a belt
Prohibited by the Red Cross.

If you are the whole world of violence
Are you going to destroy
And at the same time you dream of becoming
Everything without being anything
Feel free to follow us
Along the paved road,
We will give you this path
We might even give in.

Don't settle for anything
With no one and never
And those who agree with you
Call them cowardly.
For this everyone will start you
Love and respect.
And you will have it everywhere
Full of friends.

If there are cockroaches in the kitchen
Marching around the table
And the mice are happy
There's a practice fight on the floor,
So it's time for you to go
Stop fighting for peace
And give up all your strength
To fight for purity.

If you are going to a friend
Tell me your troubles
Take a friend by the button
It's useless - he'll run away
And it will leave you with a souvenir
This button is a friend.
Better give him a kick
Throw on the floor, sit on top
And then in detail
Tell me your trouble.

If you came to see your friends,
Don't say hello to anyone.
Words: “please”, “thank you”
Do not tell anybody.
Turn away and ask questions
Don't answer anyone's questions.
And then no one will say
About you, that you are a talker.

If anything happened
And no one is to blame
Don't go there or else
You will be to blame.
Hide somewhere on the side.
And then go home.
And about the fact that I saw this,
Do not tell anybody.

If they didn't buy you a cake
And they didn’t take us to the cinema in the evening,
You need to be offended by your parents,
And go without a hat into the cold night.
But not just like that
Wander the streets
And in the dense dark
Forest to go.
There's a wolf right there for you
Hungry to meet,
And, of course, quickly
He will eat you.
Then mom and dad will know
They will scream, cry and run away.
And they will rush to buy cake,
And to the cinema with you
They'll pick you up in the evening.

Look what's going on
In every house at night.
Turning his nose to the wall,
The adults lie silently.
They move their lips
In the pitch darkness
And with my eyes closed
The heel is jerked in your sleep.
Don't agree to anything
Go to bed at night.
Don't let anyone
Putting you to bed.
Do you really want
My childhood years
Spend under the blanket
On a pillow, without pants?

There is a sure way to please adults:
In the morning, start yelling and littering,
Eavesdropping, whining, running around the house
Kicking and begging for gifts from everyone.
Be rude, cunning, tease and lie,
And in the evening suddenly stop for an hour, -
And immediately, stroking with a touched smile,
All the adults will pat you on the head
And they will say that you are a wonderful boy
And there is no child nicer than you.

If you came to the Christmas tree,
Demand your gift right away
Look, there's no candy
Santa Claus has not healed.
And don't you dare carefree
Bring home leftovers.
How mom and dad gallop -
Half will be taken away.

If punishment awaits you
For bad behavior
For example, for being in the bathroom
Have you bathed your cat?
Without asking permission
Neither the cat nor the mother,
I can suggest you a way
How to escape from punishment.
Hit your head on the floor,
Beat yourself in the chest with your hands
And sob and shout: “Oh, why did I torture the cat!?
I am worthy of terrible punishment!
My shame can only be redeemed by death!”
Not even half a minute will pass,
How, crying with you,
They will forgive you and, to console you,
They will run for a sweet cake.
And then calm down the cat
Lead me by the tail to the bath,
After all, a cat is a tell-all
He will never be able to.

For example, in your pocket
It turned out to be a handful of sweets,
And they came towards you
Your true friends.
Don't be scared and don't hide,
Don't rush to run away
Don't shove all the candy
Along with candy wrappers in your mouth.
Approach them calmly
Without saying unnecessary words,
Quickly taking it out of his pocket,
Give them... your palm.
Shake their hands firmly,
Say goodbye slowly
And, turning the first corner,
Rush home quickly.
To eat candy at home,
Get under the bed
Because there, of course,
You won't meet anyone.

Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white cloak.
Gently pour the juice onto the cloak -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's cloak,
The entire cloak must be put in
Into thick cherry juice.
Take your mother's cherry raincoat
And a mug of milk.
Pour the milk carefully -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's cloak,
The entire cloak must be put in
In a saucepan with milk.
Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white cloak.
Lay carefully...

If you broke a window,
Don't rush to admit it.
Wait, won't it start?
Suddenly there is a civil war.
The artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.

Beat your friends without a break
Every day for half an hour,
And your muscles
It will become stronger than a brick.
And with mighty hands,
You, when the enemies come,
You can do it in difficult times
Protect your friends.

Never wash your hands
Neck, ears and face.
This is a stupid thing to do
Doesn't lead to anything.
Your hands will get dirty again
Neck, ears and face,
So why waste energy?
Time to waste.
It's also useless to get a haircut,
There's no point.
By old age by itself
Your head will go bald.

Never allow
Set a thermometer for yourself
And don't swallow pills,
And don't eat powders.
Let your stomach and teeth hurt,
Throat, ears, head,
Don't take any medicine anyway
And don't listen to the doctor.
The heart stops beating
But for sure
They won't stick mustard plaster on you
And they won't give you an injection.
If you are hospitalized
And you don’t want to lie there,
Wait until they come to your room
The most important doctor will come.

Bite him and immediately
Your treatment will end
That same evening from the hospital
They'll take you home.

If mom is in the store
I just bought you a ball
And he doesn't want the rest
Buy everything he sees,
Stand straight, heels together,
Place your arms to the sides,
Open your mouth wider
And shout the letter "A"!
And when, dropping the bags,
With a cry: “Citizens! Anxiety!"
Buyers will rush
Led by sellers
The store director is here to see you
He will crawl up and tell his mother: “Take everything for free,
Let him just shut up."

When you are your own mother
Leads to dentists
Don't expect mercy from her
Don't shed unnecessary tears.
Be silent like a captured partisan
And grit your teeth like that
So that she won’t be able to unclench them
Crowd of dentists.

If you stayed at home
Alone without parents
I can offer you
An interesting game
Titled "The Brave Chef"
Or "The Brave Cook".
The essence of the game is preparation.
All kinds of delicious dishes.
I suggest for starters
Here's a simple recipe:
Need to wear daddy's shoes
Pour out my mother's perfume,
And then these shoes
Apply shaving cream
And, watering them with fish oil
With black mascara in half,
Throw in the soup that mom
I prepared it in the morning.
And cook with the lid closed
Exactly seventy minutes.
You'll find out what happens
When the adults come.

If your friend is the best
Slipped and fell
Point your finger at a friend
And grab your stomach.
Let him see, lying in a puddle, -
You're not upset at all.
A real friend doesn't love
Upset your friends.

If you're not sure yet
We have chosen a path in life
And you don't know why
Start your labor journey,
Break the light bulbs in the hallways -
People will thank you.
You will help the people
Save electricity.

To kick you out of your apartment
Various flies and mosquitoes,
I need to pull back the curtain
And spin it over your head.
Pictures will fly off the walls,
There are flowers from the windowsill.
The TV will tumble
The chandelier will crash into the parquet.
And, escaping from the roar,
Mosquitoes will fly away
And the frightened flies
The flock will rush south.

If you decided in the morning
To behave,
Feel free to go into your closet
lead
And dive into the darkness.
There's no mother there
no dad
Only daddy's pants.
No one will shout there
loud:
“Stop it! Do not dare!
Don't touch me!
It's much easier there
will,
Without disturbing anyone,
All day to yourself
decently
And lead decently.

Decided to fight - choose
The one who is weaker.
But the strong can fight back,
Why do you need her?
The younger the one you hit,
The more joyful the heart
Watch him cry, scream,
And he calls mommy.
But if suddenly for the baby
Someone stepped up
Run, scream and cry loudly,
And call mommy.

There is a reliable way dad
Drive you crazy forever.
Tell your dad honestly
What did you do yesterday.
If he can
Stay on your feet
Explain what to do
Tomorrow you think.
And when with a crazy look
Dad will sing songs
Call an ambulance.
Her phone number is 03.

If you were walking around wearing a hat,
And then she disappeared
Don't worry, mom is home
You can lie about something.
But try to lie beautifully,
To look in admiration,
Holding my breath, mom
I listened to lies for a long time.
But if you lied
About the lost hat
What is it in an unequal battle
A spy took it from you,
Try to mom
I didn’t go to be indignant
To foreign intelligence
They won't understand her that way.

“We need to share with the younger ones!”
“We need to help the younger ones!”
Never forget
These are the rules, friends.
Repeat very quietly
Theirs to someone older than you
So that the younger ones about it
We didn't find out anything.

If your hands are at lunch
You got the salad dirty
And you feel embarrassed about the tablecloth
Wipe your fingers,
Lower it discreetly
They are under the table, and it’s calm there
Wipe your hands
About the neighbor's pants.

If you're in your pocket
I didn't find a penny
Look in your neighbor's pocket -
Obviously the money is there.

If your desk neighbor
Became a source of infection
Hug him and off to school
You won't come for two weeks.

To spontaneous combustion
Didn't happen in the house
Leaving the premises
Take your iron with you.
Vacuum cleaner, electric stove,
TV and floor lamp
Better, with light bulbs together,
Take it to the neighboring yard.
And it will be even more reliable
Cut the wires
So that throughout your area
Immediately the light went out.
Here you can be sure
You're almost certainly
What from spontaneous combustion
The house was safely protected.

Matches are the best toy
For bored children.
Dad's tie, car passport -
Here's a small fire.
If you throw the slippers
Or put a broom
You can fry a whole chair
Cook the fish soup in the nightstand.
If adults are somewhere
The matches were hidden from you,
Explain to them that matches
For the fire you need.

If you wash your son
Mom suddenly discovers
That she is not washing her son,
And someone else’s daughter...
Don't let mom be nervous
Well, does she care?
There are no differences
Between dirty children.

When you get old, go
Walk along the street.
Don't get on the bus, anyway
You'll have to stand there.
And nowadays there are few fools,
To give way,
And to those distant times
There won't be any of them at all.

If you played football
On the wide pavement
And, hitting the goal,
Suddenly we heard a whistle,
Don't shout "Goal!" maybe
This is a policeman
Whistled when hit
Not at the gate, but into him.

Running away from the tram,
Don't rush under the dump truck.
Wait at the traffic light
Won't show up yet
Ambulance car -
It's full of doctors
Let them crush you.
They will heal themselves later.

If you want enemies
Win with one blow
Rockets and shells for you,
And there's no need for cartridges.
Drop to them by parachute
………………………………………..
(Fill out this line yourself.)
An hour later the enemies, sobbing,
They will come running to surrender.
If you are the last one on the council
You don’t want to insert a line yourself,
Choose any one for yourself
From those offered to you.

Drop them by parachute:
Your little sister
Dad, grandma and mom,
Two bags of rubles and three rubles,
The headmistress of your school,
The full staff of the teachers' council
Engine from "Zaporozhets"
Dozens of dentists
BOY CHERNOV SASHA,
LITTLE MASHA OSTER,
Tea from the school canteen,
The book “Bad Advice”...
An hour later the enemies, sobbing,
They will come running to surrender.

If you are called to dinner,
Hide proudly under the sofa
And lie there quietly,
So that they don’t find you right away.
And when from under the sofa
They will drag you by the legs,
Break out and bite
Don't give up without a fight.
If they do get it
And they will seat you at the table,
Tip the cup over
Pour the soup on the floor.
Cover your mouth with your hands
Fall down from the chair.
And throw the cutlets up,
Let them stick to the ceiling.
In a month people will say
With respect about you: “He looks thin and dead,
But the character is strong.”

If you decide first
To join the ranks of your fellow citizens -
Never catch up
Rushing forward.
Five minutes later, cursing,
They will run back
And then, leading the crowd,
You will rush ahead.

If to dad or mom
Adult aunt came
And someone important leads
And a serious conversation
Need from behind unnoticed
sneak up on her and then
Shout loudly in your ear:
“Stop! Give up! Hands up!"
And when auntie gets off the chair
He'll fall out of fright
And he'll spill it on his dress
Tea, compote or jelly,
It's probably very loud
Mom will laugh
And, proud of my child,
Dad will shake your hand.
Dad will take you by the shoulder
And it will lead somewhere.
It'll probably be there for a very long time
Dad will praise you.

Get yourself a notebook
And write down in detail
Who's who at recess
How many times have I sent it to where?
Who is the physical education teacher with?
I drank kefir in the gym,
And what does dad say to mom at night?
He whispered quietly in his ear.

If sharp objects
You caught my eye
Try them deeper
Stick it into yourself.
This is the best way
See for yourself
What are dangerous items?
We must hide it from children.

Are you being held accountable?
Well, know how to answer.
Don't shake, don't whine, don't mumble,
Never hide your eyes.
For example, my mother asked:
“Who scattered the toys?”
Answer that it's dad
He brought his friends.
Did you get into a fight with your little brother?
Say he's the first
Kicked you in the neck
And he swore like a bandit.
If they ask who is in the kitchen
I bit all the cutlets,
Answer that the cat is the neighbor's,
And perhaps. the neighbor himself.
No matter what you've done wrong,
Learn to answer.
For each one's actions
I must answer boldly.

If you are determined
Steal a plane to the West,
But you can't think of it
How to scare pilots
Read passages to them
From today's newspaper -
And they go to any country
They will fly away with you.

It's better to tease from the window,
From the eighth floor.
From a tank is also good,
When the armor is strong.
But if you want to bring
People to bitter tears,
They're the safest
Tease on the radio.

When a guest drops his cup,
Don't hit your guest in the forehead.
Give me another cup, let me
He drinks tea calmly.
When this cup is a guest
Will fall off the table
Pour tea into his glass,
And let him drink in peace.
When will all the dishes be a guest?
In the apartment he will interrupt,
I'll have to pour some sweet tea
By the scruff of his neck.

If you are on the phone
Called a fool
And they didn’t wait for an answer,
Throwing the phone down,
Dial quickly
From any random numbers
And to the one who picks up the phone,
Let me know - I'm a fool myself.

Address of the school where
I was lucky to study
Like a multiplication table
Remember firmly, by heart,
And when will it happen to you
Meet a saboteur
Without wasting a minute,
Please provide the school address.

Don't be upset if
Calling mom to school
Or dad.
Do not be shy,
Bring the whole family.
Let uncles and aunts come
And second cousins
If you have a dog,
Bring her too.

If you decided to sister
Just to scare as a joke,
And she’s down the wall from you
Runs away barefoot
So the jokes are funny
They don't reach her
And you shouldn’t give it to your sister
Live mice in slippers.

If you caught your sister
With the grooms in the yard,
Don't rush her quickly
Give it to mom and dad.
Let the parents first
She will be given in marriage
Then you'll tell your husband
Everything you know about your sister.

If he's chasing you
Too many people
Ask them in detail
What are they upset about?
Try to console everyone.
Give everyone advice
But reduce the speed
Absolutely no use.

Don't be offended by
Who hits you with their hands?
And don't be lazy every time
Thank him
For sparing no effort,
He hits you with his hands
And I could take it in these hands
And a stick and a brick.

If a friend's birthday
I invited you to my place,
You leave the gift at home -
It will come in handy yourself.
Try to sit next to the cake.
Don't engage in conversations.
You're talking
Eat half as much candy.
Choose smaller pieces
To swallow faster.
Don't grab the salad with your hands -
You can scoop up more with a spoon.
If they suddenly give you nuts,
Place them carefully in your pocket,
But don't hide the jam there -
It will be difficult to take it out.

Grigory Oster

HARMFUL ADVICE 1, 2, 3, 4

Bad advice 1

A book for naughty children and their parents

Scientists have recently discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: “Wash your face in the morning” - they take it and don’t wash it. They are told: “Say hello to each other” - they immediately begin not to greet each other. Scientists have come up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do everything the other way around, and it will turn out just right.

This book is for naughty children.

Lost Child

Must remember that it's

They'll take you home as soon as

He will tell you his address.

We need to act smarter

Say: "I live

Near a palm tree with a monkey

On distant islands."

Lost child

If he's not a fool,

Will not miss the right opportunity

Visit different countries.

Hands never anywhere

Don't touch anything.

Don't get involved in anything

And don't go anywhere.

Move aside silently

Stand modestly in the corner

And stand quietly, without moving,

Until your old age.

Who hasn't jumped out of a window?

Together with my mother's umbrella,

That dashing parachutist

Doesn't count yet.

Don't fly like a bird

Above the excited crowd

Don't put him in the hospital

With a bandaged leg.

If the whole family goes swimming

You went to the river

Don't bother mom and dad

Sunbathe on the shore.

Don't start a scream

Give the adults a break.

Without pestering anyone,

Try to drown.

There is no more pleasant thing to do

What to pick your nose with.

Everyone is terribly interested

What's hidden inside?

And who is disgusted to look,

Let him not even look.

We don’t get in his way,

Let him not bother you either.

If your mom caught you

For what you love,

For example, while drawing

In the hallway on the wallpaper,

Explain to her what it is -

Your surprise for the Eighth of March.

The painting is called:

“Portrait of my dear mother.”

Don't take someone else's if

Strangers are looking at you.

Let them close their eyes

Or they’ll go out for an hour.

Why be afraid of your own people?

They won’t tell about their own people.

Let them look. Grab someone else's

And drag him to yours.

Never stupid questions

Don't ask yourself

Or even more stupid

You will find the answer to them.

If the questions are stupid

Appeared in my head

Ask them straight away to adults.

Let their brains crack.

Visit often

Theater buffet.

There are cakes with cream,

Water with bubbles.

Like firewood on plates

The chocolates are lying

And through a tube you can

Drink a milkshake.

Don't ask for tickets

To the balcony and to the stalls,

Let them give you tickets

To the theater buffet.

Leaving the theater

You will take it with you

Under a trembling heart,

In the stomach, a sandwich.

Born a girl - be patient

Trips and pushes.

And put your pigtails on everyone,

Who wouldn't mind pulling them?

But someday later

Show them the fig

And you will say: “Figurines, for you

I won’t get married!”

If you and your friends are together

Have fun in the yard

And in the morning they put it on you

Your new coat,

You shouldn't crawl in puddles

And roll on the ground

And climb fences

Hanging from nails.

So as not to spoil or stain

Your new coat,

We need to make it old.

This is done like this:

Get right into the puddle

Roll on the ground

And a little on the fence

Hang on nails.

Very soon it will become old

Your new coat,

Now you can calmly

Have fun in the yard.

You can safely crawl in puddles

And roll on the ground

And climb fences

Hanging from nails.

If you're down the hall

Ride your bike

And towards you from the bathroom

Dad went out for a walk

Don't turn into the kitchen

There is a solid refrigerator in the kitchen.

Better brake like dad.

Dad is soft. He will forgive.

If you are united forever,

Illuminated and lead,

Don't try to dodge

From movement to celebration.

Still will raise to work

And it will inspire you to heroism

You are great and mighty,

And our reliable stronghold.

The main business of your life

Any trifle can become a problem.

You just have to firmly believe

There is no more important matter.

And then it won't hurt

You are neither cold nor hot,

Choking with delight,

Do nonsense.

Hit frogs with sticks.

It is very interesting.

Tear off the wings of flies,

Let them run on foot.

Exercise daily

And a happy day will come -

you to some kingdom

They will be accepted as the chief executioner.

Girls should never be

Not to be noticed anywhere.

And don't give them a pass

Nowhere and never.

They need to put their feet up

Scare from around the corner

So that they immediately understand:

You don't care about them.

I met a girl - quickly

Stick your tongue out.

Let her not think

That you're in love with her.

Starting a fight with dad

Starting a fight with mom,

Try to surrender to your mother, -

Dad takes no prisoners.

By the way, find out from your mother,

Has she forgotten?

Beat prisoners on the butt with a belt

Prohibited by the Red Cross.

If you are the whole world of violence

Are you going to destroy

And at the same time you dream of becoming

Everything without being anything

Feel free to follow us

Along the paved road,

We will give you this path

We might even give in.

Don't settle for anything

With no one and never

And those who agree with you

Call them cowardly.

For this everyone will start you

Love and respect.

And you will have it everywhere

Full of friends.

If there are cockroaches in the kitchen

Marching around the table

And the mice are happy

There's a practice fight on the floor,

So it's time for you to go

Stop fighting for peace

And give up all your strength

To fight for purity.

If you are going to a friend