The mother interferes with her daughter's personal life. How to reduce mother’s interference in her daughter’s life and maintain a warm relationship. Mom's reaction when her daughter tries to reduce interference
This is a pressing topic, although it is not at all easy to discuss, maybe even condemn our mothers and draw some conclusions. But too many women come to see a psychologist with this question - my own mother is not letting me live, what should I do?
I’ll make a reservation right away - women whose relationship with their mother is good and calm should not read this article; you will not understand the pain and suffering of many women who do not know such parental relationships, who have not experienced maternal love, care and understanding. You are very lucky to be born into a loving and caring family, just like me. But there is also the other side of the relationship - complete lack of mutual understanding, disrespect and even indifference on the part of what seems to be the closest and dearest person - the mother.
Situations vary. In one family, a mother does not allow her young daughter to date a guy. In another, an adult daughter, having her own family, for some reason must always consult with her mother and receive a positive assessment from her.
Or, even worse, when the mother is in open conflict with her son-in-law, saying unpleasant things about him, thereby unnerving her daughter.She constantly asks her to help with anything, although she can easily handle it herself, as long as her daughter takes care of her. And so on, there are many cases.
But the essence is the same - the mother does not let her daughter leave her! And no matter how old her daughter is, maybe she’s already well over 40, she still controls her, monitoring her every action, forcing her to report on past events. She definitely needs to speak out on any matter, although no one asks her opinion, and the mother doesn’t even care whether her daughter is upset or not. "What's the matter? I’m your mother and I wish you only the best!” Completely unaware that this is “best” for her and not for her daughter. She may throw a tantrum, shedding tears, if she does not like the reaction and statements to her comments. And no requests or persuasion have any effect on her; the response is either insult with the words “how can you offend your mother?”, or a quarrel with shouting and insults. Well, she doesn’t understand that her daughter should live her own life, that she has her own character, unlike her mother, and maybe similar, but she doesn’t want to live as her mother tells her! She doesn’t understand that her daughter is a completely independent person, capable of taking responsibility for her own actions, wanting to live her own life, making her own mistakes! He doesn’t want to understand this, sincerely believing that he loves his daughter and wishes only the best for her.
What to do? A difficult, unfortunately, insoluble problem. It is impossible to re-educate your mother, force her to reconsider her views, or change her position towards her own child. That's how mom is! The easiest thing is to separate. Try not to talk on the phone for a long time, give less information, talk only about the most important things. Do not enter into polemics or discuss any events that are unpleasant for you, do not give rise to moralizing. The less information the mother has, the less conversations and instructions. But this does not mean, categorically, that you can forget about it, under no circumstances! Even when you come to visit or help her, as soon as the “morality” begins, let your mother know that this is a “difficult” topic for you. Try to convey to her all your thoughts and considerations about which you have a conflict or dispute. A sincerely loving mother will always understand you, but if there is no mutual understanding, then the principle is simple - less communication! It will be better for everyone! Sooner or later, mom will understand how much she needs you, accepting your opinion and position. Don't forget about your mother, but also remember about yourself and your family! And draw conclusions so that your daughter no longer suffers from you!
Hello. I am 19 years old. Almost 20. I live in a provincial town, in a simple family. I'm studying design at a pedagogical university. My problem is that I’m a loser, I haven’t achieved anything over the years, I’m still hanging on to my parents. But only they themselves are to blame for this too. Especially mom.
Imagine, all the graduates of my class worked, absolutely all of them. Or rather, they worked part-time. And when I found a place and was about to go get settled, my mother screamed. He says what work, sit, prepare for university, draw pictures. And we need you in the garden. Thus, all summer I went hand in hand with my mother to the garden. In principle, we appeared there twice a week. Of course, I would have time to work and naturally, I could go alone to this garden, I’m not disabled or stupid, so as not to remember the route for 20 years and not be able to drag a couple of buckets home. But according to my mother, I am a child. Baby, child. They question me about where and why, and with whom I go out on the street. They go shopping with me, buy me clothes. I'm very embarrassed. That an adult cow like me stands near the counter, head down, and watches my mother, with a stern face, pay for clothes. They go to hospitals with me. My stepfather, however, accuses me of being a snotty girl. Small, stupid. Infantile. He tells me often, grow up already. To my counter question - how to do this, the answer is always the same - you yourself must, it is impossible to give a specific answer to this. Live and learn. I don't understand. How can I live if I am under 24-hour surveillance? Lord, my home is my prison! My boyfriend also says, grow up. By the way, he left me. Got a job, earned money, found a rich girl and left. My best friend called me a child. Then she left. She felt that she was more mature and taller than me. Smarter too. And that she doesn’t need individuals like me, who are not capable of anything. I studied on the course for six months. I also tried to find a job, in secret from my mother (fortunately, the university was in another city, but not far away. So every Sunday I went home. If I didn’t go, my mother came herself.) But the fear was stronger. I was not accepted for 5 places. Probably because I'm an insecure wimp. When I finally found what I needed. Imagine what an opportunity it is to get a job in your profession. But for her sake it was necessary to stay during the winter holidays. When I arrived home for New Year and told my mother that I would have to leave the nest on the 6th and go to the dorm, she started screaming. She took my wallet and pulled out my scholarship card. Now I'm sitting at home. I'm going crazy from loneliness. I'm drawing. Which makes me feel sick. I don't know how to make money. I'm tired of depending on my mom. I want to build a career and gain experience. I want freedom. One plus. The hostel taught me how to cook. After all, at home no one lets me near the stove. Afraid that I will transfer the products. Help me please.
Psychologist's answer:
Hello Olga!
"Mom doesn't let me live an adult life" - Do you know how adult life differs from the life of a child? An adult makes his own decision, carries it out, and takes responsibility for both the decision and the execution.
"My problem is that I'm a loser" - Olga, this is not a problem, this is a subjective opinion, and, judging by the letter, not yours, but your mother’s. I’ll tell you a little secret: A person who really sits on his parents’ neck DOESN’T KNOW about this. And doesn’t even think . They simply don’t tell him, and he sits and sits and sits and sits until his parents die. You, who entered a university and found a job in your specialty, in principle cannot be called a failure. More precisely, not so. You can only call it This is not true. You know how to achieve what you want, you just lack confidence. But confidence is an acquired thing if you work on it.
“But they only have themselves to blame for this too." - Olga, looking for someone to blame, just for the sake of simply finding him and blaming him, does not make any sense. Feelings of guilt, a load of guilt, whether yours or any other person’s, will not help you solve the problem.
"But according to my mother, I am a child." - What do you think?
"They go shopping with me, buy me clothes."- Tell me, Olga, who fed and clothed your mother and your stepfather while they were growing up and studying?
"He tells me often, grow up already. To my counter question - how to do this, the answer is always the same - you have to do it yourself, it is impossible to give a specific answer to this."- What do you think, Olga, do you have the opportunity to learn something if you don’t see an example of how IT should be done and what results it brings?
"My boyfriend also says, grow up. He left me, by the way. He got a job, earned money, found a rich girl and left." - Do you want a guy who considers himself an adult and you a child, and leaves you because of this? This shows his serious, adult attitude towards you, what do you think?
“My best friend called me a child. Then she left. She thought that she was more mature and taller than me. Smarter too. And that she didn’t need people like me, who were incapable of anything" - Olga, the same question as about the guy.
"I'm tired of depending on my mom. I want to build a career and gain experience. I want freedom." - Olga, no one will give you freedom in your hands. Freedom at all times, and under any order, TAKE into your own hands.
"One plus. The hostel taught me how to cook. After all, at home no one lets me near the stove. Afraid that I will transfer the products." - This plus shows you that the opinion about yourself that is being instilled in you is false. And this applies not only to food and cooking.
"Help me please.“You didn’t write what specific help you want, so my answer may not be what you wanted to hear.
I'll try to explain the situation to you.
If parents do not have an organized personal life and do not have their own interest, they often focus all their interest (sometimes making it the meaning of life!) on the life of their child. While the child is small, he does not pay attention to this. Problems begin in adolescence, which is precisely intended to prepare for independent adult life. Judging by your letter, your teenage crisis was simply suppressed by your mother. You were not allowed to go through it, and this complicated the next process, as a girl - separation from your parents.
Now you should experience separation - separation from your parental family, which will allow you to decide on your life goals, try to live separately, before creating your own family, feel like a separate person, an adult, responsible for yourself, having your own thoughts, desires, goals, etc. P. It includes a lot; the description cannot be contained in one letter. This is the most important process that will determine the direction of your life for the next couple of decades. Since your parents hinder you rather than help you, this process will be difficult, and it will depend only on you how much courage you have to defend your interests, desires and goals. You are unlikely to be able to resolve this peacefully; it is quite possible that you will simply have to sneak out of the house secretly, with documents and available money, wander around rented apartments, look for part-time work so that you have enough to live on. It will be difficult, but it will teach you to be an adult, independent, separate Person.
You can stay with your parents and live in the same conditions, but then you lose the right to independence, to make your own decisions in all significant life issues. That is, you remain a child for a long time. This process is very drawn out; the longer you live with your parents, the more difficult it is to separate and start an independent life. And escaping from your parental family “to get married” means finding a lot more problems in your relationship with another person.
Growing up for any daughter ends at the moment when a certain symbolic umbilical cord of psychological dependence on her mother is cut. Sometimes, we strive with all our might to avoid this vital, but extremely difficult operation, for fear of making mistakes. Thanks to the book Susan Cohen "Mothers Who Drive Their Daughters Crazy" you can not only gain independence, but also maintain a good relationship with your beloved mother.
There is no feeling stronger than and there is nothing more painful than the discord in the relationship between a mother and her baby. The invisible umbilical cord, which once served to transfer experience from mother to daughter, must die in due time and release the girl to freedom. But, sometimes, circumstances turn out completely differently. Grow up daughters, mothers grow old, and the invisible thread between them does not go away, tying the young woman more and more tightly hand and foot, not allowing her to breathe deeply, depriving her of the opportunity to build her own life according to her own understanding.
I understand that I am touching on a topic that is both complex and controversial, but I ask all mothers to objectively evaluate this problem from different angles. Sad fact: rarely do people manage to mess up like this life daughter, as her own mother is capable of doing. As it is said: those who love us are defenseless before us.
A mother’s love (unlike any other) is of a biological nature (built on the basis of animal instinct) and that is why it tends to degenerate into painful forms, such as overprotection, overresentment... And if the situation is not corrected in time, then healthy, full-fledged relationships can be abandoned cross.
The essence of the whole problem is often to be found in the unsettled personal life of the mother. Fleeing from being unhappy, instead of organizing her own happiness, she completely devotes herself to raising her daughter, and then her husband, baby…
As the daughter grows up, it depends on the mother how their relationship will develop in the future: will they become girlfriends and partners (correctly) or will their relationship be more reminiscent of a nightmarishly tangled tangle of painful torment from the fact that they both love and hate each other ( wrong).
Another common mistake mothers make is not wanting to work on themselves. Therefore, they sacrifice their own dreams (to build a career, to develop) to their daughters (you will often hear from them: “I’m a mother, I have to”). Sacrificing herself becomes so habitual for her that any attempt daughters getting out from under my mother’s wing causes a response of panic: “What about me?!”
Any mother makes big plans for the future of her beloved daughter: education, career, family life... And, as a rule, a grandiose future is depicted—one that the mother herself could not build. And if the daughter sees her world in a different way from her mother, then this is where reproaches and drills begin (if the relationship is wrong) or the mother recognizes the daughter’s right to see the world with her own eyes and adhere to her values and interests (even if the mother does not approve of them).
Dear ones, if you recognize yourself in one of the descriptions, then it is never too late to start changing: discuss with your daughter all important issues concerning her, advise and warn, and do not impose your opinion. Your daughter should feel support and care coming from you, and not disdain for her choice of friends and life path.
And one more thing: insults and comparisons with other people have no place in mother's relationship and her daughters. Phrases like “What have you done with your hair again - it sticks out like straw!”, “Take example from your sister, she only has A’s, and you...!”
Since any conflict is resolved through the efforts of both parties, here are some tips for daughters. If your mother has already crossed the 50-year-old threshold, you should not expect her to change (this can happen in exceptional cases). But you have the power to take the first step to create a good relationship: try to understand her and become not only more tolerant, but even wiser than her. Trust me, it will pay off.
If you can't win hostility towards mother, first of all, try to see her as just a person (regardless of the fact that she is your parent). Think about how the challenges in her life may have influenced her attitude toward your upbringing. The more you learn about her life, the easier it will be for you to accept and forgive her.
There is also a reverse connection: if you have a desire to please your mother in everything, to earn her love through your behavior, then failure to receive it results in continuous confrontation. This is the reason for all the conflicts: your mother doesn’t have to like everything you do, right? The solution is simple: do not strive to become a copy of your mother, trust yourself, your desires and actions, because you are an adult, accomplished person. In addition, many daughters They begin to understand their mothers more than ever when they themselves find themselves in their place.
Hello! I am 23 years old, I live with my mother. 2 months ago I started dating a man who is 31 years old. Mom was initially against our relationship, but my persuasion convinced her that there was nothing wrong with it.
All my 23 years I was with her as a friend, sharing all my secrets. I was a very calm child and never went against my mother’s will. I went for a walk until 11:00 p.m. at most, but if I came later, a scandal would break out at home and I was told that a decent girl shouldn’t go out so late. She didn’t like the guys I dated, either this one or this one. I listened to her, obeyed her, stepping over my beliefs and pride (I did as she told me, I didn’t want to offend her). But apparently it couldn’t last that long, and now I have a problem that I don’t know how to deal with.
So, as I wrote above, I finally started dating this man. This is the only person with whom I feel calm and comfortable. We have a serious relationship and we love each other. Every time I come home my mother is dissatisfied with something.
New Year is coming soon and my beloved and I want to spend it in the countryside, but MOM gets in the way and simply won’t let me go! She believes that it is wrong to relax with a guy before the wedding. I'm afraid that he won't understand this and I'll flog him. Because of my constant conversations with my mother about the trip, we have scandals every day, I can’t sleep anymore, I want to take a break from her for at least a couple of weeks and live the way I want. After all, not only in my personal life she teaches me what to do, but in everything else too (how to behave correctly at work, on the street). Am I really, at 23 years old, incapable of sensibly assessing the situation and making decisions?
Tell me what to do right, because it’s impossible to continue living like this. How can I convince my mother to reconsider her attitude towards me? Thank you in advance.
Love, unfortunately not all mothers understand that the child is not her property. Very often mothers give birth to children only for themselves. And then a man appeared who threatens to take away her “favorite toy”... With sympathy and respect...
Good answer 2 Bad answer 0Love, Indeed, maternal love can be reborn into a sense of ownership towards her child. And you are also a convenient child. But in any case, this love is the strongest of the types of human Love. However, you not only CAN evaluate the situation on your own and live YOUR life, but you MUST do so. Responsibility for your life is yours. Just tell your overly caring mother that you love her, you understand that she only wants the best for you, but it’s not her place to live your life, and do as you see fit. There is hardly any need to be afraid that you will lose your MCH. This feeling does not really fit with the essence of the feeling Love. If he demands something from you, then maybe you should think about how much he considers your desires. Love, live your life fully and happily.
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Hello, Love! Your mother has been developing this attitude towards you for at least 23 years (and maybe even earlier, in her dreams, in her experience of relationships with her parents, this is exactly how she could imagine everything). Therefore, it will not be possible to quickly convince her to reconsider this attitude. Unfortunately, your mother may remain convinced until the end of her days that she knows better how you should live. This is, of course, difficult. The good side is that you are a free person and still decide for yourself what to do (even when you chose to obey your mother, it was your choice). But consistently implementing your choice now will require very significant efforts from you. This is the payment for an independent life, which you have refused for so long. The most important thing is your inner conviction. And, of course, you will need support - men, girlfriends, maybe psychological support. Good luck!
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Hello, Love! It so happened that you finally fell in love and your close relationship with your mother became an obstacle in your way. It is very difficult when you find yourself in a situation of choosing between two dear people. It seemed to me that you and your mother are more than friends, rather, you have partially merged like Siamese twins, so the pain of one is felt like the pain of the other. This is probably why you want to convince your mother, because she is part of you: “How can she not understand!” But in fact, Lyuba, you are different people! Different personalities, which does not prevent us from loving each other and understanding each other’s value. It seems to me that your mother is a very smart and sensitive person, because until now she has guided you correctly. It seems to me that she will happily stop leading you as soon as she feels that you have become an adult and are capable of managing your own life. While you are acting like a child. You are waiting for your mother’s permission, you are capricious that you are not allowed, you are nervous. With all your behavior you show that your mother is stronger, that she has the right to allow and forbid you anything. There is no need to convince mom, she knows everything, she has her own life experience. You just need to show her that you yourself take responsibility for your love, for your life and you have the strength to do this. You have known your friend for only 2 months, and so far your demand to spend the holidays together looks to your mother like a demand for a new doll that you haven’t had yet, that you haven’t tried yet. You really want this new doll, but you know that they won’t buy it for you anyway. You are afraid of losing MCH and you are afraid of losing your mother. In this state of childish fear, you will not convince anyone. Finally, understand that in any case you will not lose yourself, and if you do not lose yourself, then the people dear to you will not go anywhere.
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Lyubov, you ask the question: “At 23 years old, am I really not able to sensibly assess the situation and make decisions”? The answer will be: “Of course, you can’t, because you’re asking a question to us, strangers, because you can’t “make decisions”... Mom, presumably, her partner’s life “didn’t work out” (these are my guesses, i.e. k. only “mom” sounds, or dad is not authoritative, something about him is not mentioned) - in her own way she “protects” you from mistakes, from men. There is no need to convince your mother, she is an adult, she gave you life, she has her own views on the “correctness" of life. Only when you are ready to build your partner life (and not “take a break from it for at least a couple of weeks”), decide clearly about “living the way I want” (I’m sure that if I asked you in a face-to-face meeting about YOUR personal (i.e., for YOURSELF) goals and desires... I wouldn’t hear anything specific) - only then can you tell her that you are ready to move forward, fill YOUR bumps, learn from YOUR mistakes A as long as she sees your uncertainty - naturally, she considers it her maternal duty to teach you. A mistake that may affect your relationship - “I was with her as a friend.” She will always be HIGHER in the hierarchy. And one more thing - you want to get rid of your “dependence” on your mother, and immediately there is an alarming note “I’m afraid that he won’t understand this and I’ll lose him” - so as not to become dependent on a man. And then - see my mother’s story, family stories “like” to repeat themselves.
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Hello, Love! You find yourself in a difficult situation: You are torn between your beloved man and your mother. The most interesting thing is that you are not in all this. You don't write what you want for yourself. Holidays for New Year's holidays? But there was a phrase about the fear of losing a man. And the thought immediately creeps in that this rest is not needed by you, but by your fear. You are asking how to convince your mother to reconsider her attitude. Changing another person is a very labor-intensive process, and a path that leads to nowhere. The problem with your mother that you describe is rather a problem of your boundaries, which, unfortunately, you are not very good at building. And boundaries are associated with the ability to choose and be responsible for your choice. While you yourself are not responsible for it, people around you strive to make a choice for you, guided by their ideas about what you need. Strange situation, isn't it? It is possible to learn to choose and defend your choices and boundaries, but it is a long and labor-intensive process. But, having learned, you gain the freedom that, as it seems to me, you are striving for. I am ready to accompany you on this difficult journey. Sincerely, Anastasia Umanskaya.
Good answer 2 Bad answer 1There is no way you can convince your mother, because... for her, you have not yet matured to an independent life and need further education and care. The simplest thing is to explain to your mother that you no longer need education and if you need her advice, then turn to her. She, of course, will be very indignant for a long time, and you will have to be patient. (In fact, you need to be prepared for such a step; it is very difficult to break away from your parents if you are used to consulting with them). You shouldn’t discuss your New Year’s trip with your mom and waste your nerves together. If you want, go. There's nothing wrong with that. It is better to make a choice, in this case, based on your desires, and not out of fear of separation.
Good answer 1 Bad answer 0Lyuba, you write: “At 23 years old, am I really not capable of sensibly assessing the situation and making decisions?” This is the most important question for you today. Only you misunderstand him. You are asking us this question because you think that someone from the outside should tell you whether you have the right to live independently or not. But the question is different: are you capable or not! And in fact, you are not yet capable of being independent... You are already 23 years old, and you have not yet started an independent life. Live by your own mind, make your mistakes. From the outside it seems that your mother is preventing you from becoming independent. In fact, I don’t sense an inner need in you to become independent. I see that you are tired, even, let’s say, bored. But it’s as if something is blocked in your head - the thought of living your life doesn’t arise in you. You are still a child living under your mother’s wing. You justify yourself by saying that you live this way so as not to spoil your friendly relationship with your mother. In fact, it is beneficial for you to live like this. You are very afraid to become an adult... Fool! You're depriving yourself of so much. You are depriving yourself of your own life!
Good answer 1 Bad answer 1Hello, Love. Mom can be convinced of this. that you are an adult and have the right to your own life in only one way: stop looking back at it and LIVE. Do you want to go away with your loved one for the New Year? So go! What do you mean “mom won’t let you in”?! How old are you? Get ready and go. Ignoring her tantrums. No guilt. Judging by your description, your mother’s personal life has not worked out and she is simply “replicating” this scenario. Stop hiding behind your mother and live on your own. It's difficult. Mom will try to put pressure, but if you hold on, then everything will work out and mom will accept you as an adult (and even breathe a sigh of relief: she has finally raised her daughter!). If you think that you need to work out a strategy, tactics in more detail, maybe even develop specific phrases, write. Let's do it. The first step is difficult - and then it’s much easier.
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Lyuba, you have every right to make your own mistakes. It is not clear which of you is right in this particular case. If your relationship with this man already includes physical intimacy, then your joint New Year's Eve celebration will not change anything. If only this should happen there, then you should weigh everything very carefully yourself, regardless of the mother’s position. Well, you need to make it clear to your mother that you are already an adult. It's difficult. but everyone goes through this, in the end your mother will accept your adulthood. Just, for God’s sake, don’t make decisions like teenagers: it doesn’t matter how, as long as you do it in your own way. Let your decision be balanced and responsible, but let it be your decision.
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