My husband died suddenly. Coping with the loss of your husband. Active methods of “rehabilitation”: what can be done

Julia

Real love is when you can let go for the sake of his happiness. My husband died. I am 26 years old, he was 27. But I don’t cry, I hold on so that his soul can feel at ease. This verse was born. Maybe it will help someone, I don’t know. I believe that my love and prayers are helping him there. I know that later I will always be with him. But everything is God’s will.

Your lips, your hands, your shoulders...

I won’t forget - I can’t and I don’t want to

I'll be looking forward to meeting you,

I will follow you like the wind.

I'm letting you go, don't be afraid,

I can do it, I will endure everything,

Believe in me and calm down,

I pray to Jesus for you.

Without you, of course, it is very difficult.

I can't find a better friend than you.

I hope my feelings, however,

They don't interfere with your path.

I believe in God and His decision,

I bow before such a fate,

I know, we will meet you, without a doubt,

My dearest man!

They say that when you lose, only then do you begin to appreciate. It's all wrong with me. I always knew that Kolya is the best friend in the whole world. We started dating, I just graduated from school, we dated for a long time - 7 years, and then got married. By the time we became married (I was 24 and he was 25), we already knew each other from A to Z. We had been through a lot together. We already had mutual friends. I knew his family well, he knew mine well. My relatives perceived him as one of their own, as family. I knew what he would think in some situation, not just what he would say. I can talk about him for a long time, but probably for everyone who has lost a loved one, this person is the best. But I will still say that he was tall, handsome, with a sense of humor, open, did not like people who did not say something, loved and wanted children, always came to everyone’s aid, and was a great romantic. I will never forget how, out of the blue, he could give me a huge bouquet of tulips or daisies. I know that Kolya loved me very much. I think there are people who think he cheated on me or something. Because he was very handsome and never minced words. He had a charm that many people liked. But I know that there can be no talk of any betrayal. It is a pity that God takes away such sincere, real people, who are very rare in the modern world. Kolya lived for me; since childhood he lacked affection and care. His mother died when he was 13. To him, I was his family and meant a lot, just like he did to me. Our two years of marriage were the happiest for both of us.

When he died 3 months ago (suddenly, from a heart attack at 27 years old!!!) the first thing I thought about was how he was doing now. I think he was also shocked that he died. He didn't expect this. We had big plans. We wanted children, etc. No one can believe that he had a weak heart, he was always strong.

Caring for him saves me from despair. I believe that there is a soul, and that he did not die, but moved to another state, which I will learn about someday. But if his soul is nearby, at least in the first days after death, then he would be very sad if it was very difficult for me. Knowing how much he loved me, I’m sure he’s worried now how I feel without him. Therefore, in order not to torment his soul, I try not to cry and constantly pray for him. I have always believed that most often a person cries out of self-pity, although he does not always realize it. When loved ones die, we often cry because we won’t see them again, won’t talk to them, won’t walk on this planet together. But in fact, they feel good there, especially if the person was good, and if we pray for him. And you shouldn’t hold back with your sorrows someone close to you, for whom you wish well. After all, he is also worried about you.

When I come to Kolya’s grave, I talk to him. Although maybe he doesn’t hear me, I don’t know. But I tell him not to worry about me, that I will be fine, that I love him and pray for him.

Many people, seeing my behavior and calm attitude towards what happened, think that I am simply in a state of shock and that I am not behaving adequately. Nothing like this. I'm fine. I just think not about myself, but about him. That's all.

They often tell me: “Nothing, you will still be happy.” This is of course very annoying because I understand how people imagine happiness and what they mean. But the point is different: how I imagine my happiness. Maybe I'm not unhappy at all. I am grateful to God that Kolya was in my life, that I learned what true sincere love is, when you want to take care of another person and take all his worries upon yourself. After all, there are people who live to be 100 years old and never know what love is. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved.

I know that everything is God's will. After all, God initially knew that Kolya was destined to die at 27 years old. And for some reason He gave Kolya to me. I am grateful to God for this. Also, I think that it was not without reason that God gave me to Kolya. Maybe there is no one else for me to pray for him. All people on earth are sinners, and Kolya too. So I pray that God will forgive him and help him there. I hope I can help my loved one, and when I die (maybe in 100 years, maybe tomorrow, I don’t know) I would like to be there next to him.

It’s difficult to advise others when you yourself are just experiencing this (after all, only three months have passed) and you live with the feeling that you are in a movie, that this is just a role, that the movie will end and everything will fall into place. I think the most important thing is that you can’t complain or blame someone, this will only make things worse for the person you lost. Think more about him than about yourself, think about how you can help his or her soul. The Church teaches that alms greatly help the dead. But you need to give this alms with a pure, sincere heart.

I'm sure God takes people to Him for a reason. There is a higher plan for this that we humans cannot understand. There is a story in the Bible that when Jesus passed by a crippled man, Jesus told his disciples that if the man had walked, he would have done much evil. I used this example to prove that we do not know much of what God knows. Maybe if my husband were alive, he would have to endure some kind of misfortune. And only by death God saved him from this.

My mother says that if it were possible, she would change places with Kolya. And I think that I would not change with him, because I know how hard it would be for him to lose me.

Of course, it is very difficult to console a person who does not believe in God. What saves me is the belief that life goes on there, only on a completely different level, which does not fit into our understanding. Being strong is very difficult. I am sure that I am very weak, and in fact God is helping me. And all the thoughts that I wrote here were also given to me by God. I couldn't do this without Him.

I think it is not uncommon for a person to be forced to come to God only by the death of a loved one. Don't let it come to this. Go to God because He wants to save you. And loves you, despite your shortcomings.

How to continue to live? I hear this question often. He annoys me. Why make me think about it? I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, how can I plan something 20 years in advance. Because Kolya and I forgot about the meaning of life, we lost many wonderful moments. For example, you could go to the forest to pick mushrooms, or just go into nature and enjoy the tranquility. No, we devoted most of our time to work, in the hope of achieving great success and earning more money and prestige, so that we could finally start living a normal life, have children, etc. It turns out that this is impossible, because tomorrow you can suddenly die. You need to live now and not think about the future.

I now find joy in communicating with my friends, who are all very good, I support my parents, I have nephews with whom I love to play, I have unfinished business for Kolya, I have a job that I love. Now I try to find something unusual, important in every moment of my life, I seize every moment. Even now I’m writing a letter for the forum - also a certain moment in my life, which may not have passed in vain, and my thoughts will help someone.

I wish everyone who has lost a loved one peace of mind and confidence that you can still help him. Don't forget that there are people who also love you and care about you. Continue to live, learn to live in this world without the one you lost. Don't think that he or she has disappeared into nowhere. They are somewhere and maybe they see us. Let's not hurt them with our suffering.

My husband died on April 1st. I was 28, he was 33. When they called me and told me that it was all (after the accident, he lived for another 2 days) - I didn’t even believe it at first. So it can’t be that he doesn’t exist. And what about me?
My term then was 28-30 weeks, my son was born on April 4, 1200g, 40 cm, 2/3 Apgar.
I became completely absorbed in the child - I needed to save him. My little bunny spent 8 months in hospitals and was discharged on December 30, 2008 with a weight of 6 kg and a height of 60 cm.
I couldn’t go into my husband’s and my apartment; I didn’t take any things from there, not even photographs. I could not. My husband’s brother helped a lot (they were identical twins, I didn’t meet him for about three years - I also couldn’t see or hear) - he handled the sale of the apartment and other formalities.
She immediately moved in with her parents. She continued to wear the ring for another 3 years and only took it off this year.

I still live with the feeling that my boy has a personal angel who literally drags him through all troubles by the scruff of the neck. But, since there were already quite a few such troubles in his little life, Angel needs help:

On May 5th of this year, my dad suddenly died. 59 years old, an aneurysm that no one knew about. A little more - he would have gotten behind the wheel and taken mine to the dacha. An empty road, good speed - it’s unlikely that anyone would have survived. And so the folder just walked out the door and that’s it. The first 2 days I was organizing the funeral, it was easier for me than for my mother and son. It hit me on the third day - I came to the garage and needed to disassemble the car. She howled there so loudly that the neighboring men came running. I don’t remember how they took me out of there, I found myself already in a neighbor’s car. The son suffered the hardest of all - he and his grandfather were in constant trouble. My son and dad are full namesakes - both last name (gave my own), first name, and patronymic. It just so happened. It was very scary to see the inscription on the sign near the cross. Now I'm used to it.
I had to be the strongest and pull mom and son out. But the son saved us all - he demanded attention and we had something to occupy our heads.

The pain doesn't go away. It becomes familiar, you can already bear it. after 40 days - a little easier.
You should definitely cry, you don’t need to hide your emotions, focus on the children - THEY ARE WORSE THAN YOU.

What helped me: drugs (valoserdin, novopassit), alcohol (1 tbsp. cognac + a piece of sugar at night), read about the stages of grief and pull everyone through them - do not let them stagnate in any of them, remove all photographs, after 40 days - give things back. Until 40 days I went to church every day. The day after dad’s fortieth birthday, I took my mother and son to Turkey for two weeks - IT BECAME REALLY EASIER, the change of scenery worked. Constant care for loved ones, weekends away from home (forests, parks, play centers for children, joint board games, picnics, just getting into the car and going for a ride)
After my father’s death, there was no one to drive a car - I had a license, but I didn’t drive - I went to school, bought a car, and now I’m a family driver.

It so happened that my friend’s and my friend’s mothers died within a few months of each other. A friend told me one phrase that really stuck with me: “Apparently, the Lord doesn’t have enough Angels, so he takes away good people.” I believe this is so. 09.25.2012 12:08:11, Waning Moon

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I really want to hope that this is all true, for me the most difficult thing is to come to terms with and accept, perhaps too little time has passed; 40 days will be in only two days. And I also realized that it is unbearably difficult to communicate with my husband’s friends/friends, after communicating with them I fall into the deepest depression. ((You write that the pain is becoming habitual, I’m scared to even think about it, because the pain that is now simply not unbearable and aches constantly I still don’t feel myself and it feels like I’m in some kind of terrible dream, but for some reason I can’t get out of it. My mother is undergoing treatment for oncology (relapse) and to be honest, I was very worried and prayed for her recovery , and then suddenly my husband dies... For some reason my grief blocked out all those worries that I had for my mother for half a year... No, I’m very worried about her and I also pray, I believe and I hope, but somehow I switched over or something... Mom continues to struggle, but there are no dramatic improvements, and if there is no positive dynamics, I don’t know how my psyche can cope (although, as they say, the Lord does not give us more trials than we can withstand)... 09.25.2012 13:29:57, Allchenok

The death of a beloved husband is a difficult and painful test in a woman’s life. She finds herself in an extreme psychological situation when someone who was a reliable friend and protector, a loyal fan and admirer, disappears. A comfortable, familiar and cozy life collapses in an instant. How to overcome grief and learn to be happy again?

Stages of coming to terms with the death of a beloved spouse

American scientists Thomas Holmes and Richard Reich back in 1967 developed a scale for the severity of the stressful impact of life events on a person. Events were scored on a scale from 0 to 100 points. Death of husband/wife - first place, 100 points in the gut...

Shoigu Yu.S.

http://psi.mchs.gov.ru/upload/userfiles/file/books/psihologija_ekstremalnyh_situatsij.pdf

According to psychologists, there are several stages of realizing the death of a loved one.

1. The first is shock, dumbness, pain. The sensation is akin to a strong blow - loss of coordination, time orientation, temporary loss of hearing, vision - and then deafening pain, flooding the body and mind. The same thing happens to a woman’s psyche. It is impossible to immediately, immediately accept and realize the death of a loved one, especially such a close and dear person as a husband.
2. The second is denial. A woman who lost her husband refuses to believe what happened. The phrases are often heard: “This couldn’t happen to him”; "It is not true. You've got something wrong!"; “I talked to him five, ten minutes, hours, days ago...” She refuses to believe that the misfortune happened in her family, with her husband.
3. The third is aggression, anger. A woman endlessly torments herself with questions to which there are no correct answers. “Why did this happen, why to us, to him, to me? Who is guilty". This is a consistent, natural reaction of the human psyche to grief. She needs to find a foothold. Find someone or something that caused the death of your husband, pour out your grief, anger, resentment at the source. In some situations, women direct aggression towards themselves, blaming themselves for what happened. It is not right.
4. The fourth is depression, apathy. A person loses the desire for life, for development, for movement, for something new. The woman realizes that life will no longer be the same. Quite often, a woman’s complete indifference to herself, her needs, appearance, and health is observed. She breathes, walks, eats, drinks, but all this happens mechanically, automatically. She is tormented by memories of her husband - dating, courtship, wedding, birth of children and other emotional events of their life together.

The stages listed above affect every woman who has lost her spouse. As a rule, they take from three months to a year. Much depends on age, individual and personal characteristics, past experience. The next phase is accepting the loss of a loved one.

What forms can grief take?

The pain does not go away, it goes from acute to chronic and becomes background. We accept the fact of death, the fact of loss, that he will no longer be with us.

Everyone learns to live from scratch, without him, in different ways. Someone gets involved in vigorous activity - be it sports, creativity, charity, trying to block their feelings, the pain of loss. Some people turn all their energy and attention to children, friends, animals. In order not to feel emptiness and loneliness, he replaces them with care and love for other people, their needs and desires. Someone throws himself into work, his favorite thing. He tries to be busy around the clock, falling exhausted on his bed so that he doesn’t have the strength to think or remember. Some withdraw into themselves and stop responding to the outside world or begin to drink alcohol, drugs, “eat up” pain, and possibly develop psychosomatic disorders. In such cases, it is better for a woman to seek the help of a professional psychologist.

According to psychologists, the stress of losing a loved one, depending on the individual’s psychotype, is manifested by the following emotions and states:

• anger and aggression. A woman is angry at herself, at her loved ones, at the world around her, because it’s all here, but her husband is not. She mentally or openly reproaches other people that they remained alive, although they were less worthy of it;
• conflict. In an aggressive state, the unfortunate woman often enters into conflicts, accuses, swears for far-fetched reasons, attaches great importance to little things, believes that no one can and does not want to understand her;
• guilt. As a rule, it occurs in almost every woman at one stage or another of grief. She feels ashamed, uncomfortable, that she is away from her husband, with whom she was supposed to live her whole life. It seems to her that she does not deserve life, joy, happiness without her husband;
• apathy. This condition is also quite typical. Interest in yourself, children, friends, favorite activities is lost; everything seems boring and unimportant. I want to lie down and not feel anything.

Regarding physiological manifestations:

1. Loss of appetite or, conversely, increased cravings for sweets, flour, spicy, fatty foods and subsequent weight fluctuations.
2. Physical weakness, high or low blood pressure.
3. Rapid heartbeat, pain in the heart area.
4. Dizziness.
5. Problems with the digestive tract.
6. Exacerbation of chronic diseases.

All physiological problems are the result of enormous psychological stress. And the faster a woman copes with the grief that has befallen her, the faster her body will return to normal.

The most important thing, according to psychologists, is not to block your emotions and feelings, but also not to drown in them. If it is very difficult and there is no strength or desire to live on, it is recommended:

• visit a temple, light a candle, confess;
• make an appointment with a psychologist;
• register on support sites where people who have lost loved ones communicate;
• take courses and trainings in art-audio therapy;
• try various breathing and psychological practices such as holotropic breathing, yoga breathing and meditation;
• enroll in organizations that provide assistance to people or animals in critical situations.

An indispensable condition is unconditional acceptance of the situation and the awareness that the person must be released into another world.

When the spouse is young and life is ahead, it is important to understand that feelings for another person are possible and even necessary, natural. You cannot give up on yourself and remain faithful to your beloved deceased husband for the rest of your life. Just as you shouldn’t go to extremes - urgently look for a new companion. It is necessary to survive and grieve the loss, leave a bright image of your loved one and try not to lock your heart.

And when the loss overtook an already mature woman with decades of marriage behind her, adult children, joys and sorrows, ups and downs? The best option would be to turn to God, travel/trip to distant relatives, to another city/country, to realize unfulfilled desires - be it Nordic walking, participation in a choir, attending a massage course or a sanatorium. Communication with children, grandchildren, girlfriends.

Children, the fruits of lost love, are definitely a huge relief. Children save us from deafening loneliness and prevent us from becoming limp and driven into depression. Understanding that you are the most important and dear person will not allow you to drown in an ocean of sorrow. You will have to rebuild yourself, family roles, get used to a new way of life, perform a bunch of new functions, be constantly busy, which, according to Dale Carnegie, is the best medicine.

When there are no children, parents and friends who are ready to support and not allow themselves to be mummified will become a faithful and reliable rear. It is extremely important not to isolate yourself, not to push away people who want to help, and even though this often irritates you and you want to shout in their faces that they don’t understand anything, don’t do it. Do not hide in your shell of grief and sadness, do not become bitter and blame the world and people for the loss.

Personal experience

Women who have lost a spouse find it important to both “speak out” their pain and channel love.

Almost a year has passed since I lost the person closest to me, the father of my child. Now, almost without tears, I can remember the pleasant moments that we had with him. And I no longer want to erase the best part of my life from my memory. I went to a psychologist immediately after his death, but not for long - 7 sessions. From these seven sessions I received some useful advice, but sometimes I have thoughts about whether to go again. My depression is almost gone.

tatyana-m

I lost my husband, the father of my children, a little over two months ago. I also worked with a psychologist and my friends, thanks to them, listened to me. It actually gets easier. But my heart, of course, still hurts and I don’t know when this pain will go away... Pain, melancholy and non-acceptance of the very fact of death... But we must live, we must!

ledytyc9

http://www.psychologies.ru/forum/post/17508/

I buried my husband a year and a half ago. He passed away very young, died of cancer, was left with a small child, I thought I wouldn’t survive at all, I wanted to die myself. For six months there were only tears, tears. I went to church very often and constantly went to the cemetery, everyone told me - don’t cry, let go. I couldn’t do anything with myself, I’m not a machine where you can turn off the button. Then after about 8 months it became a little easier, then even easier. No matter how trite it sounds, it’s true - time heals.

, Comments to the post My husband died: how to live on? disabled

Grief is a natural process and takes time. Over time, you will sort things out and be able to live without him, but the emotions associated with his death must be lived to the end, without interfering with them, even if they interfere with everyday activities.

Widow's grief is considered the most difficult and usually lasts at least two years, especially if the death of the husband was unexpected and if the marriage lasted a long time.

It is important to understand that grief can be normal and pathological. The second develops if obstacles are placed in the way of emotions associated with grief, for example, if a person is in a hurry to stop crying, “pull himself together,” start a new relationship, etc.

It is often premature to stop grieving after a husband dies, friends and relatives advise. Few people know about the nature of grief, even those who have experienced it themselves, so people often think that six months of worrying about the death of their husband is too long.

Don't listen to such advice. Widow's grief normally lasts a long time, but if you suppress these experiences in yourself, then they can last for many years, that is, in certain circumstances - when mentioning someone's death, when watching a sad film, when breaking up with another man - you can experience very strong emotions, too strong, because they will be the remnants of unexperienced grief.

Most often, understanding the stages of grief will calm you down a little, with this knowledge you will understand that everything is fine with you, you are not going crazy, you are not “feeling sorry for yourself”, but are going through a normal, natural process.

Now think about how to live further only in a purely practical way, using the help of friends and relatives if they offer it, and solving pressing problems if you have the strength to do so. It’s worth thinking about what will happen next in your life in a year or two, when the experience of grief is close to completion.

How to move on if your husband dies

1. Temporarily assign as many tasks as possible to friends and relatives (but not to children, as they themselves are experiencing severe grief).

2. If planning a funeral is a distraction, get involved. If you feel like you just want to lie facing the wall, ask a relative for help organizing the funeral and wake.

3. Do not send children away from home, as it is important for them to share what happened with other family members. Talk to them as soon as possible about the fact that dad died, telling them the truth. The longer the truth is hidden from children, the more anxiety they experience and the more behavioral problems you will have to face in the future. Take your children to a funeral after talking to them about what they will see.

4. If possible, take a vacation from work, put off serious issues, if they can be put off, get help with childcare.

5. If you have no desire to communicate, follow it, but if you want to talk about your husband and how he died, meet with friends and talk to them: putting your experiences into words makes them easier to experience.

6. Be prepared for the fact that you will experience not only grief and despair, but also other feelings, for example, guilt and anger at your husband for leaving you, or for some of his previous mistakes. It is difficult to talk about such things with friends, since in our society it is customary to speak only well of the deceased, but fully experiencing the feelings of anger and guilt is very important in order to cope well with grief, so if you feel that you cannot talk to anyone about such things, consult a psychologist.

7. In the first days after the death of a loved one, there is a desire to collect all his things so that nothing reminds him that he died. It's best to start packing when you're sure you're ready. Keeping things untouched a year or two after death is a sign of pathological grief and an unresolved relationship with the deceased.

8. Looking for the deceased with your eyes in a crowd of people or thinking that you just saw him is normal, just like seeing the ghost of the deceased. Thinking that your husband is actually away, or driving away any thoughts about what happened is a sign of pathological grief.

9. Read books about grief or articles about the stages of grief to help you feel more confident.

10. If you experienced the death of your parents as a child, or if you lost another loved one shortly before the death of your husband, you most likely need help from a specialist, since children rarely manage to fully cope with the death of their mother or father without special help and the subsequent loss of a loved one in adulthood it can be unbearable for such people. Experiencing multiple losses is much more difficult, since the experience of the previous loss, as a rule, has not yet ended.

The usual family life can collapse at one moment when a wife or husband dies unexpectedly. A man who has experienced the death of his wife is deafened by such grief, but does not break. It's not so simple with women. It is especially difficult for a young wife who has lost her husband.

The female psyche is much more subtle than the male, and the power of emotions is many times more powerful. Even when the relationship between husband and wife is not very good, the loss of a spouse is often a huge stress for a woman. What then can we say about the grief of the one who loved her husband with all her heart? How to survive the death of your husband, cope with the pain and find the strength to live on?

From our article you will learn:

1. About the stages of grief that almost every widow goes through.
2. What you need to be prepared for.
3. How to help your mother survive death.
4. How to help a friend who has lost her husband.
5. How to distract a widow from thoughts of death.
6. About the scientific and religious approach.
7. About the “Writing” method.
8. What to do with an engagement ring.

All this will help you understand how to provide the right support to a desperate woman. How to help her get over the loss so that it doesn’t ruin the rest of her life.

Tragic news: what can you face?

There are several stages that a wife who has lost her husband will have to go through. As a rule, they follow one after another, but exceptions are possible. So this is:

• acute experience;
• refusal to believe what happened;
• unmotivated aggression;
• devastation, depression.

After hearing the terrible news, the woman experiences extreme stress. Especially if the husband was young. Often she seems to lose orientation in space and time: she doesn’t hear what they say to her, she looks and doesn’t see, she doesn’t react to touch. Then it’s as if a protective valve in her heart is torn off and everything inside is filled with unbearable mental pain. This is a psychological blow of enormous power that cannot be resisted.

Protecting itself from stress, the psyche refuses to believe what happened. That is why the wives of the deceased often do not want to admit this fact. A woman may say that this is not true, that she is being deceived for some unknown reason, that this is a stupid joke, etc.

After his death, mental anguish leads the widow to think that someone is to blame for this. And she begins to look for this “someone”. Then the stage of denial turns into the stage of aggression. Sometimes very quickly, and sometimes with a long delay. A widow's aggression can be directed both at others and at herself.

When a woman decides that she is to blame and does not know how to cope with grief, she begins to punish herself in various ways. This:

• Constant mental accusations and self-flagellation about not having a good enough attitude towards the deceased spouse.
• Attacks of mental pain for something I couldn’t prevent or protect (even if no one could).
• Scrolling through my head of everything I didn’t have time to say or do for my husband.

Here is an approximate list of “punishments” to which a woman voluntarily condemns herself. She may also forbid herself to eat and drink, and begin to cause pain. For example, forcefully rubbing the body with a hard washcloth, literally tearing out hair while combing, or deliberately carelessly handling cutting objects or fire in the hope of injuring oneself.

In such a situation, it is good if friends and family are nearby. If such grief has happened to your loved one, a psychologist’s advice will help on how to help a friend survive the death of her husband.

Aggression directed outward is especially difficult for others. The widow begins to hate everyone who looks happy. Cheerful spouses especially irritate her: she is unable to forgive them for this.

Her children and even grandchildren may end up in the “enemy camp.” Such a mother may try to quarrel between her daughter and her son-in-law or her son and her daughter-in-law. She may not make contact with her family because of their insufficient (in her opinion) grief. He starts yelling at his grandchildren and punishing them for the slightest offense. In a fit of hatred for the entire world around her, she can even curse other people.

Then comes apathy, often followed by depression. A woman ceases to be interested in everything that is not directly related to her deceased husband. After his death, she practically does not leave the house, does not talk on the phone with her friends and does not invite anyone to her place. She withdraws into herself and her home, leading a solitary life: she simply does not want to live without her husband. She is only attracted to films, programs and series where there is drama and tears, the same goes for books.

Such deep grief brings enormous harm to the body. Constant stress depletes the nervous system and leads to the development of various diseases. Or the woman gradually “fades away.” In each of these cases, the consequences are the saddest: the widow can literally die of grief.

The people closest to you are in trouble: what to do?

As a rule, it is the mother and the best friend who are two especially dear people in a woman’s life. If by chance one of them became a widow, we must try to do everything to ease their fate.

How can I help my mother survive death?

First of all, provide her with constant (perhaps even around the clock) moral support for some time. Someone should be with mom at all times. Moreover, it’s not worth talking to her constantly to distract her from sad thoughts. She should have the opportunity to be alone with her grief and decide how to start living. But the presence of a daughter or son in the house in itself helps a lot.

It is extremely important to listen to her in moments when, after the death of a loved one, she shares memories of the deceased. This is a kind of psychotherapy that has a beneficial effect on the state of the psyche. If your mother behaves aggressively, you need to treat this with understanding. If her grandchildren irritate her, it is better not to bring them to her for a while. Children also don’t need extra stress. React calmly to your mother’s outbursts of rage, as if you were reacting to a rainstorm or a hurricane.

Although sometimes a stern but kind remark can do a good job, and the woman will come to her senses. But correctness and love are important here. There is no need to invite relatives and friends in order to “dispel maternal loneliness” - this is both inappropriate and will not help.

Good films or TV series with a life-affirming, positive message can bring great benefits. But not frivolous comedies! Any initiative of the mother that distracts her from sad thoughts must be immediately supported with all our might. This will help her quickly accept the situation and learn to live without her husband’s support.

How can I help my friend cope with the death of her husband?

If she is left alone, you should live with her for a while. Of course, with her consent. You need to act on the same principle as with your mother - don’t interfere with conversations, but always be nearby. Don’t be offended by aggression, but try to listen with participation to everything your friend says. Often this is just a way to vent anger and resentment at injustice, and you are just a “catalyst.” After an outburst of anger, the widow may immediately burst into tears, and this is where she needs to be supported and pitied in a friendly manner. The advice with films and TV series is also suitable.

When a widow does not want anyone else to be with her after the death of her loved one, you can reassure her over the phone. Short-term visits also have a beneficial effect and give the grieving woman the opportunity to talk out and cry. You can try to persuade your friend to go out into nature: just change the environment and take a walk together in the fresh air. If you see that it helps, keep it up.

It would be great for both the mother and the friend to engage in some kind of constructive activity to cope with the grief of losing a spouse.

Active methods of “rehabilitation”: what can be done?

Creation

Any type of creativity is suitable as therapy for a widow. By creating something with her own hands, a woman learns to distract herself from tragedy and acquires new interests and goals. Help to overcome grief:

1. drawing;
2. modeling from polymer clay;
3. photographing;
4. sport;
5. dancing;
6. vocal lessons;
7. breeding rare plants, aquarium fish, shrimp;
8. beading;
9. embroidery, knitting and other types of needlework.

This is a minimal list of what can captivate a widow and give her a decision on how to live further. The courses are suitable for those who prefer to be surrounded by other people and strive to establish communication. And mastering a new hobby from books or the Internet is for those who are not yet ready for intense communication. Gradually, the “shell” of alienation and grief that closed the woman from the world will open up, and she will fall in love with life again. But it takes time.

Help those in need

A very effective method that has helped a huge number of women who have lost their husbands is charity. By communicating live with people who have also experienced a huge tragedy or loss, but have not lost their strength of spirit and thirst for life, the widow will be inspired by their example and will gradually stop giving in to despair.

By providing financial, physical or moral assistance to those in need, she will strengthen her own spirit and be able to accept with courage what happened and survive grief. A good way out would be to help lonely people, children without parents or people with serious health problems. This path is not for everyone - it is indeed very difficult, but it is also the most effective. Often he completely changes a woman.

If a widow has managed to find the strength to do something and has achieved some success in this, depression is replaced by humility. The woman finally fully accepts what happened, understands that this is the natural course of things and begins to learn to live without her husband, but this time consciously.

Father or psychologist?

Clergymen help many people cope with trouble. Religion teaches that one cannot mourn the dead for a long time, since their souls suffer greatly from the tears of the living. Moreover, all religions talk about this. Listening to the priest, the woman is imbued with this thought and begins to try to control her feelings.

The belief that a loved one does not die forever and that his soul will remember her can literally resurrect a grief-stricken widow.

She comes to terms with his death and begins to sincerely believe that life does not end there, but simply passes into another form. Regular visits to church, religious rituals for the repose of her husband’s soul, prayers, and reading spiritual literature greatly help a widow to find peace of mind.

If a widow begins to become depressed, she needs the advice of a psychologist. An experienced specialist knows how to help a person cope with such a loss and will be able to find an approach to a grief-stricken woman. He will tell you how to live further, explain that attacks of despair, tears, emptiness and dull pain in the chest are an inevitability that you have to go through. Uncryed tears are sometimes more dangerous than hours of crying, so grief must not only be experienced, but also lived. The main thing is not to get stuck on sad emotions and learn to live on.

I wanted to, but didn’t have time: a letter to my beloved

The widow's greatest despair is caused by thoughts of what she wanted, but did not have time to tell her husband. Or she said something and then regretted it, but did not apologize. And death immediately after a quarrel is generally a huge stress. How to survive the death of your beloved husband in such situations? A method that psychologists strongly recommend trying is very helpful - writing a letter to the deceased.

In it, a woman must write absolutely everything that she would like to tell her husband if he were alive now. About what place he occupied in her life, how much he meant to her. How grateful she is for his love, for everything she learned from him. Say what you dreamed of and would like to do together. If you feel guilty, you need to ask for forgiveness in writing, using the words you would ask a living person.

The letter must be carefully re-read several times and felt “to the last word.” This method will allow you to “live” the unspoken, ease the soul and live after the death of your spouse. It helps to let go of the past and look to the future. Then the letter is burned, and the ashes are either scattered in the wind or buried in the ground.

What to do with the engagement ring? According to Christian custom, after the death of her husband, the wife puts her wedding ring on the ring finger of her left hand. After his death, the church advises the widow to wear her husband’s ring on her middle finger.

If you do not adhere to church canons, then the ring can be worn around your neck on a chain, or simply stored in a box as an expensive relic. Some widows melt it down, making a more elegant ring - one that fits their finger size and wears it as a memory of a loved one.

By adhering to all the above tips, the woman begins to gradually recover from stress. Helping children, looking after her grandchildren and communicating with other relatives, she is slowly learning to return to the same rhythm and live more and more fully after death. Now it’s her turn to support her loved ones, because they also need her attention, care and participation!

For older women, caring for their grandchildren often becomes the most important thing - in them they regain their meaning in life. And young widows often begin to improve their personal lives and get married. But at the same time, they carefully keep in their hearts the good, bright memory of their deceased husband, with all their hearts wishing his soul peace and quiet.