"Why do I hate my father?" I hate my father and wish him dead. What is hatred and why does it arise?

It's no secret that negative emotions have a detrimental effect on health. If a person hates someone very much, then he may develop psychosomatic diseases and have difficulties in his personal life and self-realization. Girls and women who experience negative emotions towards their dad suffer especially hard. The thought “I hate my father” blocks the ability to love and trust men in principle. If hatred is caused by violence on the part of the father, then the woman can subsequently attract the same aggressive people to herself, so to speak, unconsciously playing out the “role of the victim.” Girls who have not known their father's love often have low self-esteem.

Things are a little better with the boys. They are less sensitive and vulnerable. But even here, hatred of the father can greatly cripple one’s fate. With constant attacks from the father on the mother, the boy can reject his masculine essence, become feminine, or adopt the model of his behavior in relation to his wife and children.

What is hatred and why does it arise?

Hatred towards a father is never groundless. Usually its cause is hidden in some traumatic event. Most often, hatred is caused by the aggressive behavior of the father, drunkenness, leaving for another family, or bad attitude towards the mother. A feeling of contempt similar to hatred can arise if the father is endowed with a weak character, does not work, complains about life, and cannot provide for the family.

But what is hatred? In essence, hatred is the same love, only painted with negative colors. It is impossible to hate a person who is indifferent.

In the situation with the father, the mechanism for the emergence of hatred is quite simple. A child needs the love and care of a parent; this is a natural instinct necessary for survival. Not receiving an answer, or even worse, faced with violence, the child becomes disappointed, angry, and feels despair from the inability to receive pleasure and joy from closeness with a loved one. Love freezes and becomes covered with a crust of bitter resentment and hatred. That is why children who hate their fathers often rush from trying to earn attention and love to cold contempt and alienation. Whatever one may say, the bond between parents and children is the strongest.

How to stop hating your father?

Dealing with feelings of hatred towards your father is difficult. This may take years, even decades. But it's better late than never, isn't it? So what to do:

1. Stop being angry at your father from a child's perspective.
2. Understand why he became like this.
3. Throw out all the nagativity and forgive.
4. Build communication with your father from the position of an adult.

If the grievances are very strong and literally interfere with life, it is better to go through this path with a psychologist. Serious childhood traumas, such as rape by a father or murder of a mother, are almost impossible to resolve on your own.

How to overcome children's grievances towards their father?

“I hate my father because he did not provide for our family.” “I hate him for betraying and running away from us.” “I hate that drunkard.” “I remember how he beat my mother, and I could not do anything, I could not protect her. I hate it."

All these statements are typical of a child who needs a father. If you are 18 years of age or older, you are already an adult. You have grown up and are no longer dependent on your father. A new stage of life has begun, where you will soon become a parent yourself. You need to prepare for this in every possible way: master a profession, get a job, choose a good partner to start a family.

Why continue to hate your father? The past cannot be changed. Good or bad, it is part of you. All traumatic events played a role in the development of your personality. These character traits need to be identified and learned to be used for good.

Practical task. Stay alone and quiet and replay the most traumatic events from your childhood. Imagine that they are happening not to you, but to your child. Try to calm and comfort this baby. Explain to him, to the best of your ability, why this is all happening to him.

Author's advice. Unfortunately, good fathers are rare. Thousands of children grow up in single-parent families, in orphanages, are exposed to violence, and every day they see their father drinking and beating their mother. This experience is traumatic, to be sure, but it provides an opportunity to learn valuable lessons. A lesson in what you should never do.

How can we understand his actions?

It’s probably hard for you to imagine that once upon a time your father was a sweet child, making little beads in the sandbox and not foreshadowing any trouble. But that's exactly how it was. No one will ever say: “I’ll grow up and be an alcoholic, I’ll beat and hurt my children.” No, everything happens differently. A person becomes “bad” under the influence of certain circumstances, difficulties, blows of fate. To stop hating your father, you need to understand why he became like this.

Practical task. Track your father's life journey. Interview grandparents, neighbors, and mother about events that happened in his life. Write the information down on a piece of paper so you don't forget. When the picture comes together, imagine yourself in his place.

Throw out the negativity and forgive

Hatred combines many different feelings. This is resentment, disappointment, contempt, anger, self-pity. In order for them to stop ruining life, it is important to give hatred an outlet. How to do it:

Sometimes several sessions may be required. Repeat them day after day, many times, until you feel that you are no longer able to be angry. When you notice a significant relief from negativity, check your condition with a small test. Introduce your father and say, “I forgive you.” If the phrase comes easily, then you can stop beating the pillow. It's time to move on.

Build a painless relationship with your father

After you have realized that your father is an unhappy person and have forgiven him for his actions, you need to learn to communicate with him again. This should be communication between two adults built on mutual respect. Practical tips:

1. Start with a clean slate. Don't stoop to accusations or insults.
2. If you have the strength and desire, try to help your father take the right path.
3. Find common topics of conversation, or better yet, a common activity.
4. Start devoting more time to self-development.

Perhaps over time you will be able to become friends with your father. We all make mistakes, and if a person is aware of them, then you need to give him a chance. If, in your opinion, the situation is hopeless, and communication with the parent only causes pain, then you should move away for a while. When living together, it would be right to think about moving. However, do not forget that the situation may change over time.

Author's advice. Children who hate their father often have complaints against their mother: “she didn’t protect me,” “she didn’t drive me away,” “she suffered bullying.” It is very important to work through the trauma caused by both parents. Understand, forgive, and try not to repeat their mistakes.

Hate in adolescence

Relationships between parents and teenagers are rarely ideal. From about 12-13 years old, children begin to mature. They want to learn and “conquer” this world, to test their strength.

Many parents don’t understand this and begin to punish and impose restrictions even worse than before: “no partying”, “if you’re late for a minute, you’ll have to sit at home for a week”, “just try to bring a bad mark, I’ll flog you”, “if you didn’t clean your room, that means you’ll be left without a computer.” and a tablet." Fathers are especially unrestrained in terms of educational measures. They do not understand that it is too late to punish a child at this age. At a minimum, he will hate his parents, and at maximum, he will completely run away from home.

In such a situation, you need to work with both the parents and the child. The father must learn to be a friend, mentor, example, and the mother must learn to be an assistant and friend. The teenager, in turn, needs to try to be more restrained, treat his parents with respect, listen and trust.

Probably, in some ideal world, every child lives in a complete family with a loving father and mother. But in reality the situation is different. That is life. You need to accept your imperfect relationship with your father as a given and, if possible, try to change it.

Lada, Vyshny Volochyok

Good day, dear readers. Today we will talk about the situation when hatred towards your dad appears. You will find out why this may happen. You will become aware of how hatred can leave its mark on the life of the person who experiences it. Find out what to do in this situation.

Possible reasons

Any hatred has certain preconditions. So in a situation with the relationship between a child and a parent, a hateful feeling is often based on a certain traumatic event in the past. So, the most common factors that provoke hatred towards the father include:

• physical or psychological violence - the child, growing up, experiences regular stress, the father takes the position of the enemy;
• dad leaving for another family - the child views him as a traitor, a person who abandoned him in the first place;
• father's aggressive behavior;
• bad attitude of dad towards mom;
• the father has addictions (this could be alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction);
• there is only a formal relationship, when the father, although he lives nearby, does not drink alcohol, does not use violence, but is not at all interested in the life of his child, communication is either superficial or completely absent. In fact, such behavior of a parent is preceded by events from his childhood, and he needs to work through his own in order to begin to interact normally with children.

Along with this, a feeling of contempt may arise, which is often confused with the hatred in question. It often appears if the father:

• constantly complains about life;
• has a weak character;
• sits at home, does not work;
• unable to provide for his family.

Considering hatred of the father, a fairly simple mechanism of its development is noted. When a growing child needs the care and love of a parent, but does not receive feedback from him, and if he also encounters violence and is disappointed, then anger is born in his heart. Desired love develops into bitter resentment, which, accumulated, becomes strong hatred. It is in connection with this that a child who hates his dad can rush from the desire to attract his father's attention to the manifestation of alienation and contempt.

The consequences of such hatred

It is important to understand that the presence of negative emotions directed at any person, especially a family member, affects the development of psychosomatics, which in turn leads to the appearance of various diseases, as well as problems with self-realization and difficulties in personal life.

1. Hatred towards dad has a particularly negative impact on a woman’s fate. So just the thought “I hate my father” prevents the ability to build a normal relationship with any man, trust him and love him.
2. If the feeling of hatred is provoked by the use of violence, then the girl on a subconscious level can attract partners who will behave aggressively towards her. This happens because the woman is playing.
3. A girl who grows up without her father's love usually has very low self-esteem.
4. If we consider boys, they are less emotional and sensitive, not so vulnerable. However, having a hateful attitude towards dad can also ruin their future life. A boy can copy the behavior pattern of his parent, especially if he used violence against members of his family, directing it at his children and spouse.
5. If in the house of a growing man the mother was constantly oppressed, the father behaved inappropriately, then the guy, not wanting to become like his father, will in every possible way reject his masculinity and become feminine.

It is important to know that daughters who hate their fathers grow up and project this hatred onto their life partner. If a woman felt resentment towards her dad as a child and was never able to forgive him, then in adulthood she will project this state onto her husband.

How to be

It is important to understand that you cannot change your past. Whatever it is, it is already part of your life. All traumatic factors are reflected on your personality. And now we need to move on with our lives, having worked through these events.

Many people live with a feeling of hatred towards a parent for more than a dozen years. Sooner or later, an understanding must come that such hatred does not particularly affect the life of the father, while it harms the one who experiences it.

1. If you are an adult, then you need to stop looking at your father through the eyes of a child, remembering past grievances. This exercise may help. You need to stay in the room alone with yourself, imagine that an event that happened in your life is happening at the moment with your offspring or simply with a small child. Your task is to try to console and calm him down.
2. It is important to understand the reasons for your father's behavior that led to the development of your hatred. If your father drank alcohol or was violent towards you, then you need to find out what led to this. Follow his life path, ask his grandfather, grandmother, your mother, neighbors, what exactly could have influenced this.
3. Speak out the accumulated negativity. You can do this either directly with the parent or by using some object in front of which you can speak out or even shout out or cry. It is important to understand that no matter what your father is, he is still the person who gave you life. To make it easier to cope with hatred, you need to try to identify at least some positive traits in your dad, to find something for which you can be grateful to him. It is important to understand that there are no ideal people and perhaps the father could not cope with the role of a parent for one reason or another. But you need to forgive him, because we are all human and can make mistakes.
4. Try to build a new type of relationship as an adult. When building a new relationship with your father, you need to start with a clean slate and not resort to insults and accusations. If you are able, then you need to do everything so that your father can be on the right path. It’s ideal if you manage to find an activity that both you and your parent will enjoy. It is possible that over time you will even be able to make friends with your dad. If the father has not changed and does not inspire due respect, then it is worth reducing communication with him to a minimum so that it does not again give rise to some kind of emotional negativity.

It is very difficult to resist any feeling of hatred. A person is not always able to overcome this feeling on his own; sometimes one cannot do without the help of an experienced psychotherapist.

Seeing a psychotherapist makes the process of getting rid of hatred easier:

• the specialist will be able to identify and work through the presence of childhood psychotraumas;
• this, in turn, will increase your self-esteem;
• the psychotherapist will teach you how to free yourself from negative feelings, how to control your negativity;
• will teach relaxation techniques to restore the nervous system;
• will teach you how to understand yourself and your feelings;
• will tell you how to properly build relationships with family members.

Now you know, if a daughter or son hates her father, what may precede this. As you can see, the development of hatred can be influenced by the presence of a banal insult. Remember how it is necessary to get out of such a state so that the developed hatred cannot affect your future life.

I . Perhaps, after reading this, someone will remain of the opinion that I am cruel or even worse, but I don’t care. When I was born, my father was not very happy and instead tore the whole apartment to smithereens, because he was expecting a boy, and I was born. Over time, of course, he calmed down, but he practically never appeared at home, and when he did appear, he was drunk and angry. He bought things for me and my mother, even the most necessary things, only when he needed to go out “in public” and brag about what a wonderful family he had. The rest of the time he didn't care much about us.

There were times when my mother handed over bottles so that I could have money for formula. Due to nerves and malnutrition, she had practically no milk, and she herself went to the market to eat, then the site would try there, then there - that’s all lunch. At this time, my father was walking around restaurants with girls. One day my mother couldn’t stand it and, after taking me away, she filed for divorce. Since then, life has become much easier for us. Mom graduated from college, got a good job, and lack of money didn’t bother us anymore.

Only we “saved” from him, and my grandmother (father’s mother) remained with him. Unable to withstand his onslaught, she exchanged a huge 3-room apartment for 2 living rooms, but this did not save her - after all, he is her child and she cannot refuse him. The worst thing started 3-4 years ago. My grandmother was given a terrible diagnosis - breast cancer. But she is a fighter and has endured surgery and chemotherapy with dignity. With all this, she rents out her apartment to pay for my father’s life. An apartment, a car, and now a laptop, which, due to my father’s carelessness (he didn’t read the loan agreement, why?! It’s not him who should pay) cost her almost 9,000 hryvnia. For the site of a 74-year-old woman who survived breast cancer, has a growing cyst in her head and, on top of that, due to carrying heavy things, she suffered, sorry for the revelation, prolapse of the uterus. This is not a sweet life at all.

But her son is also sick. He survived bowel cancer. The operation and all other bills, as you may have guessed, were on the grandmother. They are both disabled people of the 2nd non-working group, but my 43-year-old dad “works” as a taxi driver, which is how he earns money for a walk, namely vodka and girls. Actually, this is where his earnings end, because his grandmother buys food for him. My 74-year-old grandmother stands all day at the station to rent out an apartment and pay her son for all his whims.

I really want it to be easier for my grandmother to live, and she will be able to perform the necessary operation on herself. She categorically refuses to accept help from me and her mother; she said that she would rather die than accept help from her granddaughter and ex-daughter-in-law. I am more than sure that many will judge me, but after testing it from my own experience, I will say that it is better for the site not to have a father at all than such a lazy drunk. Like this.

Greetings to all readers of our site! Another letter with an urgent problem: Hello, I am very worried right now and I would like to get some good advice from you. In my family, I really hate my father. He is disgusting, stupid, constantly quarrels, makes scandals, and is generally not happy with anything. A very difficult person! And this attitude, with hatred, is not only mine, but many people who know him. If it were up to me, I would have killed him long ago, but this is a sin and I don’t want to ruin my life because of such a bastard. I don’t know what to do anymore, when I see him I already want to hit him... Please help me before I lose my temper.

Firstly, you need to understand and accept that you cannot change another person. In general, undertaking to change and remake other people, especially if they don’t want it, is the most thankless and useless thing, and it never ends in anything good.

Secondly, – ! Different in their level of development, level of intelligence as well. And they are different in degree - some are kind, bright Souls, others are evil, negative, dark and vile. People are different and you have no influence on this. You can only accept this fact and learn to interact correctly with both one and the other so that you feel comfortable.

And now the direct answer to the question.

I hate my Father! How to deal with hatred?

Often, such an attitude, especially towards close relatives, is a consequence of karmic knots and debts from past lives. If such negative connections from the past persist, you need to find their causes and remove them. Perhaps you have killed each other more than once in the past, and you were brought together again into one family so that you could finally close your sins to each other, saying goodbye to hatred and resentment.

So, you can’t change a person, you need to change yourself. Especially if the person, as you say, is not very smart. Not very smart - this means a low level of development. To demand that he change and become different is not only useless, but also stupid.

There are two ways to solve this problem:

1. Remove hatred from yourself , for this, read and work through the article -. Also, I recommend that you look at your father as a big and unreasonable child. What is obvious to you, he cannot yet understand, his soul has not yet matured. Why demand the impossible from him? Perhaps this will help remove some of the negativity and excessive demands from him.

And here too. Whatever he is, he is your father. Perhaps you would like to have a different, more worthy father, but this is exactly the father you have. And you can't change it in any way. This means only one thing - they deserve it! Therefore, learn to be grateful to fate for what you have! Parents should never be scolded, because by birth we owe them, so it is important to be able to find in ourselves at least a drop of gratitude to them, no matter what they are. And learn to forgive their imperfections, because they are not gods.

Advice– look for what you can thank him for! If you really want it, you can always find gratitude!

2. It is advisable to find and remove the root causes of hatred , specifically according to your situation. These are karmic knots with your father, which you yourself most likely will not remove. Here we need the help of a good person who can see the root causes and knows how to remove karmic knots.

• Read more about this in the article -

If you decide to work thoroughly -! I can send you the contacts of a good Spiritual Healer. When karmic knots are untied, joint punishments are removed from people - the situation is often revealed miraculously. Even the father himself may change greatly in relation to you, or you will begin to look at him completely differently, without hatred.

3. I also recommend working through touchiness and other negative emotions. that arise. It is very important to learn not to hold evil within yourself, because the negative energy of resentment and hatred destroys you first of all!

• Read and work through the article -

I wish you success!

Best regards, Vasily Vasilenko