In this note we will talk about what exists, but many pretend not to notice it.

The essence of the “child from a mistress” problem

A married man has a child not from his wife, but from another woman. This situation often happens, and this especially happens to men over 40. I have not studied the root cause of this phenomenon and cannot name it.

How the law looks at a mistress's child

First of all, let's figure out what the law says in this case. A legislative solution to the situation voiced has existed for a long time.

In this case, the origin of the child from the mother is determined on the basis of a document from a health care institution about the birth of the child, and the origin from the father is determined by the application of the mother and father of the child, or, if the father of the child does not submit an application voluntarily, then by a court decision to establish paternity.

What they do and how they behave

They are hiding. A significant part does not disclose information about this. Husbands remain silent and try to support the child without their wives noticing.
Earn money. In fact, relatively many women, wandering around the world in search of a potential father for their child, opt for married men. There are a number of men helping them achieve these goals. Some even do it commercially. That is, they take money for conceiving a child.
They dissolve the marriage and enter into a new one. A number of husbands are ending their current marriage, abandoning their existing children, and leaving for a new woman and child. This is especially common when the current children have grown up.
They terminate it and do not enter into a new one. It also happens that men cannot afford to be married and decide to end it.
Knowing, they live without breaking up. In this case, the legal wife, knowing about her husband’s adventures, does not worry about the fact that he had a child from another woman. It is clear that she, in some way, may be embarrassed by the fact that her husband needs to spend money on the maintenance of this child, and not only financially, but also temporarily. This is understandable, because she wants her husband to invest more resources in their common child. In any case, some wives are calm about this state of affairs.

The essence of the “child from a lover” problem

It also happens the other way around: a married woman becomes pregnant from a man, but not from her husband.It is clear that the situation is not particularly pleasant and confuses everyone in this triangle.

How the law looks at a lover's child

The Family Code directly stated that a child conceived and (or) born in marriage comes from the spouses. In other words, the situation is as follows.

If a woman is not pregnant by her husband, then the father of the child will by default be the husband. The origin of the child from the spouses is determined on the basis of the Marriage Certificate and a document from the maternity hospital (health care institution) about the birth of the child by the wife. The fact that the husband knows that this is not his child does not change the situation.

Even if the husband takes a paternity test, which shows that he is not the father, he will still be recorded as such on the child’s birth certificate.

In this case, he will need to file a lawsuit against his wife to challenge paternity.

But the situation will change if the husband and wife jointly submit an application to the registry office to not recognize the husband as the father of the child, and at the same time the lover submits an application to recognize himself as the father.

If the husband does not want to write a statement together with his wife, then she can, within 1 year from the moment of registration of the child, challenge his paternity by filing a claim to exclude the record of him as the father. Such a requirement can only be satisfied if the lover provides a statement of paternity.

Psychology of the situation

Conceal. Women are silent, and husbands raise other people's children.
Knowing, they live without breaking up the marriage. In some cases, the husband, knowing and realizing that the child is not his, decides not to worry about this. This is especially true when the trace of the biological father has gone cold, and the wife does not maintain contact with him. In our practice, there were a couple of cases when both the husband and the lover argued about a woman, initially knowing that the child was from the lover. The husband did not want to end the marriage (and neither did the wife), while the lover hoped that his new girlfriend would end the marriage and marry him. A lover has reached a stalemate over whether paternity of his child should be established in court.
Divorce and woman marries child's father. This option occurs quite often in life, but not in all cases.
They get divorced, don’t marry the child’s father, they stay on their own. May be so. There are a lot of reasons for this (it is not known where the child’s father is, he is married, he does not want to get married, etc.).

The most painful moment

The most unpleasant thing in this situation is that when solving their self-centered problems, seemingly normal, adequate adults forget about children. Both those who have already been born and those who have not yet been born.

Family squabbles, first of all, hit the children, and decades later they hit the parents themselves, when the children do not want to have anything to do with them, despite the fact that they are biologically their parents.

In their old age, they will not have any children to rely on, and this may become another reason for the appearance of beggars and elderly homeless people on the street.

Which exit

Any, even the most difficult situation, can be solved if you deal with it, and not hide your head in the sand and bashfully avoid it.

It is important to find those who have already solved a similar problem and exchange with them all your thoughts, opinions, concerns and options for neutralizing it.

Get some life advice from people who are more experienced in these matters and make decisions about which ones are right for you and which ones are not.

Accept for yourself that changes have occurred and you will have to live with it for the rest of your life. How you live it depends only on you.

Vasily MASYUK, family lawyer, Ph.D. legal sciences

Relationships are rarely simple. Even your marriage does not always guarantee your spouse’s absolute fidelity. Situations when a man takes a mistress and, moreover, a child from another woman are very common.

Of course, this fact can hardly be called normal, at least for cultures that do not allow polygamy. However, this is the price to pay for a free society and free morals. At the same time, relationships with your spouse are of high value and here you need to approach the difficulties that arise judiciously.

• when you suspect your husband has a child from someone else;
• when you are completely sure of this and then what to do with this fact;
• when you need to determine the presence of a child;
• when you need to understand how to continue to behave with your spouse;
• when to be suspicious.

In addition, we use not only advice from psychologists and family consultants, but also advice from mistresses, because they are the ones who know better than others how to recognize betrayal.

Suspicions about the child on the side

People's behavior changes periodically, and some new factors can change behavior. Including, if your husband has a mistress, you can often recognize this fact by changes in behavior. Here are signs that may raise suspicions:

• intimate relationships - most often men are looking for variety in relationships, new romance and experiences, if you notice how your spouse has lost interest in you almost completely, it is quite possible that he leaves his erotic energy in the bed of another woman, try to diversify your own sexual relationships, become attractive again for your spouse;
• new words - if you notice new words and topics for conversation, this fact may indicate the presence of new close communication with some person, perhaps these new topics are interesting for the lover and appear from there;
• change in behavior - characteristic behavior for spouses who cheat is walking down the street a little ahead of the woman, as if distancing themselves; there are other similar signs;
• new schedule - if the spouse begins to often stay at work, always goes to see friends on free days, in general, spends a minimum of time with you, this fact may also be a sign of an outside relationship;
• ingratiation – sometimes husbands feel guilty and begin to excessively ingratiate themselves with you, pay attention to such changes in behavior and communication;
• variety in sex - if your spouse continues an intimate relationship with you and you have not read the Kama Sutra before, it is quite possible that somewhere there is a source of this new experience and your husband is acquiring new sexual skills from his mistress.

Sometimes these factors may not mean anything, but it is advisable to be wary. They can only indicate the presence of a mistress, but not a child. If you observe something like this and want to fight for the relationship, you should not be overly jealous, but start working on yourself and becoming attractive to your spouse again.

When a husband has a child on his side, his behavior most often changes. Of course, you may not notice anything, but if you know the person and the relationship is quite long, you will feel the changes, especially if you are not deceiving yourself.

The birth of a child changes emotionally, this fact is still of great importance for almost any person. Your spouse may become more sentimental or simply start talking about children more often. Such changes in mood may be a characteristic sign.

Try to pay attention to your own spouse. This way you can not only see the betrayal, but also strengthen the relationship.

Signs can also be simple facts like:

• the spouse spends less time at home;
• brings in less money, some strange expenses have appeared.

As a rule, men support their children. Accordingly, the man will provide for the new child and spend a certain amount of time.

Optimal behavior with your husband

First of all, you should not become discouraged or create scandals. You may be overwhelmed by emotions, but such showdowns will not lead to anything productive. The result, one way or another, will be some kind of discussion in calm tones.

You will have to decide how to handle this situation. Therefore, it is best to start calmly and judiciously from the very beginning.

If there is evidence

If you have complete confidence, you essentially have only two options:

• to break relations;
• continue the relationship.

The second option also has a choice. You can allow your husband to continue supporting the child or demand that he no longer communicate with the child and his mistress.

This issue should be discussed in a comfortable environment and without emotions. You need to understand how the husband himself treats the child from his mistress, whether he considers this fact a mistake and wants to stay with you or wants a new family. As it is not difficult to understand, if a husband decides to go to a new family, the likelihood of continuing the relationship with you decreases and most often you need to forgive and let go.

You should not expose and blame your spouse, otherwise you will achieve nothing. If your husband admits his mistake, he will repent to you.

If your spouse repents to you in every possible way, admits his mistakes, and you are ready to forgive, you need to discuss how to move forward in this situation. Many women are helped by treating this child as a child from a previous relationship. There is some self-deception in this, but such an attitude allows you to worry less and accept your spouse’s mistakes.

If you're not sure

If you only suspect your spouse, you should not first look for any additional evidence on your own. It's best to talk normally too.

Perhaps the husband will not confess from the very beginning, but will take some time to think about it. Therefore, after such a conversation, sometimes you just need to wait. Also, normal communication can help you dispel doubts, sometimes they really are groundless.

Reasons for betrayal and a child from a mistress

After you discover your husband’s infidelity and, especially, your husband’s child from another woman, the main question will be precisely the question of the reason. Many women initially consider men to be polygamous, that is, predisposed to many partners. This gives rise to jealousy, suspicion, and even justification for betrayal.

This fact actually makes some sense. Evolutionarily and physiologically, men are indeed more predisposed to active reproduction and changing partners.

Use negative experiences to your advantage. When you know the reason for the betrayal, you will be able to intelligently adjust your relationship in the future.

However, modern society is very different. For example, now in developed countries there is a steady trend towards fewer children. Adults often rely on quality rather than quantity.

Likewise, partnerships often become stronger. People strive to find happiness with a single partner, that is, monogamous people are a completely normal phenomenon.

Why did the child appear?

Often the reason really lies in the woman. Relationships require work, and on the part of a woman, taking care of the family hearth is not only about cooking borscht and cleaning the apartment, but also about creating comfort, remaining interesting to her partner, and developing relationships. This fact also applies to the variety of sexual communication and emotional communication and many other aspects of relationships.

Having a mistress does not always lead to a child; rarely does a man expect to have a child from another woman. Most often they are looking for recognition and admiration, new pleasures. However, you know where babies come from and if you do this often, a baby may appear.

What to do next?

After the fact has become clear and you have learned about the child from another woman, you should choose the optimal model of behavior for yourself. Decide for yourself the main topics:

• is it possible for you to continue the marriage and whether your spouse wants this;
• how you want to treat the other child;
• can you forgive your spouse?

These points are the most significant and, based on this, you can understand what to do next. It is best to find out in detail the attitude of your spouse and think for yourself. Advice from friends or someone similar can help, but not always, rely on your own opinion, because your situation is your own, not someone else’s.

Should I get a divorce?

Breaking up should only be accepted when this option is the most positive and rational for you. In particular:

• your spouse does not want a relationship with you;
• your spouse wants to have two families, but you don’t accept this;
• he wants to maintain a relationship with his child and his mistress, and you want to end this relationship completely;
• if you cannot forgive;
• if you consider it necessary to start looking for a new relationship and consider this marriage a mistake.

To briefly summarize, a relationship should only continue when there is mutual understanding and something valuable between you, when you need each other.

In other situations, divorce may be the best option. After all, not every relationship is ideal. This fact is difficult to accept, but it is better to end a destructive relationship than to continue to suffer together.

Is it necessary to forgive

Often, after a husband gets a child on the side, behavior changes towards seeking forgiveness. The spouse may indeed be sincerely repentant and seek your understanding. In this situation, the man values ​​your relationship more than anything else and does not want to ruin anything.

To forgive or not to forgive is your personal choice. Analyze whether you can be happy in the future.

If you feel the need to forgive, then it will take work. Much needs to be done on your inner level, much needs to be done on the outer level. We will consider these aspects further.

How to accept a child from another woman?

On the other hand, you need to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. Continue to develop what you have already created, do not dwell on the past and do not repeat to yourself about the existing fact. Start from a new stage, try to bring new romance into the relationship, sometimes your new child can be the way out if opportunities allow.

You stay with your husband

• cope with your own emotions;
• talk openly with your spouse and sort out the relationship;
• bring something new into the relationship.

Relationship with the mother of an illegitimate child?

Although you should try to have a positive attitude towards everything, you should not include your mistress in your own family. Especially if the other woman knew about the presence of a spouse, that is, you. This fact quite accurately characterizes the moral character of this person.

Therefore, the most rational decision is to completely end the relationship with your ex-lover. This way you will not give your husband unnecessary temptations and you will be able to allow him to make amends for his own guilt.

If you decide to allow a relationship with a child from another, then such communication should exclude contacts with the mother or minimize these relationships.

Fighting depression

The news of a child from a husband’s mistress most often ends in emotional shock or something similar. At first, anger may appear, which later, one way or another, will turn into sadness and even deep depression.

There are general tips for combating depression and those that psychologists give when a husband has a child on the side:

• keep yourself busy - negative experiences should not be drowned out, first you need to change these feelings, look for new hobbies and interests, perhaps in the company of your spouse, the advice is banal, but effective;
• think about the future - you have many opportunities and can have many positive experiences with your husband, so you should concentrate on what you can achieve on your own and together;
• renew passion – sex is a source of positive emotions and sexual communication will help you not only have more joy, but also improve your relationships.

If you decide to continue the relationship, depression will not help you. Try to turn your feelings into something positive, over time you will get rid of unnecessary worries.

Loss of trust

Another negative factor may be a lack of trust. If your jealousy was not in vain, and your spouse turned out to be not so faithful, in the future it will be difficult to have confidence in his sincerity and affection for you.

In fact, lack of trust in your husband is often the result of self-doubt. Therefore, you should become a self-sufficient and confident woman. You need to work on your own attractiveness and intellectual development.

When you are confident in yourself and attract your spouse, then there will be less mistrust. However, you will also need to sincerely communicate with your husband, you need to convince him of his own honesty and the absence of betrayal in the future. If you talk about it, talk about your own insecurities, then most often you can be convinced of your spouse’s continued devotion.

You cannot always completely cope with the situation yourself, and here you should seek the advice of specialists. Psychologists have significant experience and can provide guidance to help you.

• Do not close your eyes. Whether you have just begun to notice signs of infidelity or are already aware of the fact that you have a child, you will need to act. Many women subconsciously try not to notice many things in order to maintain a smooth life. Only this attitude is completely wrong; you need to be active and soberly assess the situation.
• Control your emotions. Learn meditation or introspection, do not give in to negative emotions. Only when you look at the facts intelligently can you look for better solutions.
• Learn sincerity. If your spouse hid another relationship and a child from you, there were some difficulties in your relationship. Often the reason is a lack of sincere communication, and a mistress can provide such communication. Therefore, now try to seek mutual understanding and frankness more often, work on relationships as real partners, and not just cohabitants.

Consider each of these tips. Find out how they can help in your situation.

Interpretations of a dream about a child from another woman

Finally, let's look at an interesting fact that may cause excitement. Why might you dream about having a child on your husband’s side? Let's find out the opinions of dream books.

Sometimes the subconscious can actually point you directly to an existing fact. However, there may be another meaning.

Dream books most often interpret a child in a dream (especially a healthy and smiling one) as a symbol of hope, wealth and prospects. In addition, this symbol is often interpreted as a sign of some worries and expenses (a child is something that needs to be taken care of), and if a husband has one in a dream, perhaps in reality he just needs to worry a lot about some matters, work on a new project .

The birth of a child or childbirth is considered a symbol of income and prosperity. As you can see, not every such dream has a negative connotation. We hope these tips will help you cope with any situations in the future.

Comments 0

She called me in the middle of the night and told me the good news: “Congratulations! Your husband has become a dad. I gave birth to his long-awaited son. Now we will raise our baby together, and you get ready to become a single mother,” even three years later, Natasha clearly remembers what her husband’s mistress told her.

Much water has passed under the bridge since then, but nothing could destroy their love triangle. Natasha and Vitaly got married immediately after college, a year later they had a child, and it seemed that no one could destroy their happiness. But one day a message came to my husband’s phone from an unfamiliar number: “Darling, you were great!” Then there were tears, scandals, showdowns and threats to break up.

I couldn't believe he had someone else! Before she had time to recover from this shock, she learned that a child had been born on the other side. I’m sitting with my baby daughter in my arms, crying, and I’m thinking about how to save my family. I didn’t intend to ruin my whole life because of some girl who managed to get pregnant. My husband and I sat down and talked, he promised to break off all relations with his mistress, and the next day he silently collected all his things and went to her. For two years he lived either with me or with her, and then I decided to act - and became pregnant. I gave my husband another son, he made the final choice in favor of our family, but did not completely break the connection with the homewrecker. He takes the child to the clinic, buys him toys and takes pictures with his phone. He doesn’t even try to hide these pictures, block them, it’s so terrible that there are photographs of our children and that boy on his phone. Deep down I understand: he is still sleeping with this woman, but I can’t let him go. This is how we live, all three of us suffer, but no one is able to break this vicious circle. Personally, I forgave the betrayal, but this did not help me keep my husband,” says the young wife Natasha frankly.

“Spiritual betrayal is a hundred times more painful and terrible than intimate betrayal”

One of the most painful topics for loving people is betrayal. It is generally accepted that every third family someday faces a difficult dilemma: should they forgive their significant other or not? If some immediately break up after learning about the betrayal, then others continue to live together, trying to start their relationship from scratch.

I found the strength to forgive my husband’s betrayal, but every day I understand: I will never forget this. My husband keeps repeating the same thing: he only cheated once, it all happened while he was drunk at a party, but that doesn’t make it any easier,” says friend Tatyana. - In the heat of the moment, I asked my husband all the details of the betrayal, and now this picture can’t get out of my head. I screw myself up, and when my husband comes home, I break down and start a scandal. I don’t know how many years I need to calm down, but I’m ready to break myself, forget about my pride for the sake of saving my family.

Not everyone is able to stifle constant jealousy and resentment within themselves. But if for some the news about betrayal is like a bolt from the blue, then others live on the alert all their lives and are ready to catch their partner red-handed.

Before the wedding, my husband had many girls, so even after the wedding, I did not relax for a minute. I constantly checked my email, asked specialists to hack his mailbox, read SMS messages on my mobile phone and finally found it. It turned out that my husband was corresponding with some girl. They discuss films, go to cafes together. When I found out, I was furious. She called all her relatives and gave her husband a purge. He swore that there was no intimate relationship between them. Even after the scandal, the husband continues to correspond with this girl. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that spiritual betrayal is a hundred times more painful and terrible than intimate betrayal,” says Marina, a wife with five years of experience.

“I’ll go for a walk, but I won’t leave my family”

From the outside, his friend Alexander has just an ideal family: a beautiful wife and two charming kids, but few people realize that Sasha goes to the left. And he goes there quite often.

I immediately tell my next passion: she can count on gifts, dinners in a restaurant and intimacy, we cannot have any joint plans for life. As soon as a girl starts talking about how we need to live together or that it’s time for me to get a divorce, I break all ties with her. I love my wife very much, I value her, so I will never leave my family,” Alexander says frankly.

- If you love, then why are you walking?

Well, you're funny! 80% of men cheat on their wives, infidelity is genetic in us, we are predators and that says it all. To be honest, I was faithful for the first three years, and then at some point I realized that the monotony would drive me crazy. My wife starts to get bored, the sensations are no longer the same, and so you go to the left - and again in a great mood,” Alexander says cynically.

True, not all women experience betrayal so painfully. I remember how 50-year-old Olga Viktorovna, wise with experience, always calmly greeted her husband after another spree. And she greeted her not with scandals and reproaches, but with a hot dinner.

“He’ll take a walk and calm down,” Olga Viktorovna repeated the same thing. “I saw his mistresses, nothing special, ordinary losers who, in their old age, were never able to start a family.

The relationship between two people is not an easy thing. Unfortunately, betrayal often destroys strong families. Men take mistresses secretly from their wives, wanting: a) to have fun; b) feel new emotions; c) find understanding from another woman, etc. But often secret connections become obvious. Especially often, cheating husbands take off their masks if their mistress becomes pregnant. How should wives behave in this case? Break off the relationship or find a compromise? Should the man be allowed to see the child or should he insist on giving him up?

It can be really difficult for many women to believe the fact that their marital problems have gone so far that the man has (or will soon have) a child on his side. However, the fact is that in this case the problem often lies with the woman. A man will not have a child on the side if he cheated for fun or to seek new sensations. After all, men are breadwinners by definition; they are the support of any family. And each of them often understands that if a woman has a child from him, he will be obliged to help financially, devote time and show his fatherly qualities. Or he will be branded for life as a goat and a real scumbag.

Thus, if a child does appear on the side, the reason must be significant. Most likely, the man became uncomfortable in his own marriage. Any relationship requires work on it, especially for married people. They are simply obliged to maintain the emotional component of the relationship at a high level, so as not to get bogged down in the same type of life. And, unfortunately, the mission of working on marriage usually falls on women’s shoulders. When the wife can't handle it, the man finds a woman who can console/understand/caress/surprise the way he did months or years ago.

Such a woman will not be a one-night stand; most likely, the man will date her regularly. Children may not appear, but with constant sexual contact the probability increases significantly, and a pregnant mistress is a very likely outcome of events.

Can't hide

Men, paradoxically, are cowardly creatures. If it so happens that the mistress becomes pregnant and decides to give birth to a child, the husband may initially not tell his wife about this. However, it is unlikely that it will be possible to hide this fact. Firstly, the cheater may express a desire to participate in the life of the child, then for his wife his income and available time will be sharply reduced. Children are a responsible step! If a man refuses the child, it is possible that his mistress will insist on financial (at least!) support. In the end, probably, the baby himself, when he gets older, will want to find out who his real father is and find him. In any case, there are many factors that can reveal to the wife of a traitor the fact of having a child on the side.

What to do next?

Whenever the fact that the husband has a child from his mistress is revealed, the wife of such a womanizer will inevitably ask the question, “What to do next?” A woman will have to make a decision based on her feelings. She needs to decide: a) whether it is possible to save the marriage; b) is she ready for forgiveness; c) how she feels about the child from her husband’s mistress.

The first step is to think about these questions alone. It is necessary to understand whether the husband wants to save the family and whether you yourself want this, because it is possible that marriage has long been a burden for both of you, and there is no value in it. Or, on the contrary, the man is very dear to you, and you are sure that everyone makes mistakes. In addition, it is very important to honestly answer the question of whether you are ready to truly forgive your husband, not to blame him for cheating, and not to harbor anger within yourself. This is very difficult, however, if the answer is no, the marriage is still doomed to failure.

Well, in the end you need to determine your attitude towards the child on the side. After all, it is not the baby’s fault that his real father is not a man of the highest moral principles. A child deserves to grow up in a certain amount of prosperity and has the right to some kind of help from his biological father. On the other hand, it is likely that in order to save your marriage, the most important condition for you will be the cessation of any contact between your husband and mistress, which means that communication with your child will simply become impossible. You need to figure all this out on your own, honestly choose the most favorable outcome of events for yourself, and then talk to your husband.

After a constructive dialogue (yes, yes, you shouldn’t make a scandal and break dishes, it will not benefit either you, your husband, or the universe) and some internal reflection, it’s time to make a decision. You should divorce your cheating husband if:

• you admit that marriage has no value and there is no point in maintaining it;
• he himself wants to break the marriage union;
• he wants to fully exist in two families;
• he does not agree with you on the condition of ceasing contact with his mistress or child;
• you are not ready to forgive the traitor.

• you have found mutual understanding with your husband and are ready to work on the relationship;
• the husband accepted your terms regarding the relationship with his mistress and child;
• you are ready to truly forgive your husband.

Thus, the marriage deserves to be saved only when you create the most comfortable conditions for yourself to cope with this blow, and your husband agrees with them.

If you have decided to save your marriage, then the first priority is to work on yourself and your own thoughts. First, try to find the place where the roots are growing. After all, to prevent such a situation from happening again, it is necessary to eradicate the cause of its occurrence. Get rid of what led a man to cheat, start serious work on the relationship, and then it will be easier for you to begin to feel some confidence in your marriage again. Secondly, accept the fact of having a child.

Psychologists advise to perceive him not as a child from his husband’s mistress, but as a child from his past relationships. Psychologically and emotionally, this fact will not affect you so much; you will maintain inner harmony (as much as possible). Well, thirdly, take care of yourself. You have been dealt a serious blow, your internal state has undergone some kind of negative shock, and now you need to return to normal. If you can’t cope with what happened on your own, contact a psychologist; constructive advice from experienced specialists has never harmed anyone. The last recommendation, by the way, is also suitable for those women who decide to divorce their traitorous husband. And she will be the only one. Just work on yourself and believe that you can and will definitely be happy.

“I agreed to talk only incognito, because I don’t want people pointing fingers at me. Although there are hundreds of such examples in our lives! There are girls who deliberately do this. This is their goal. Here is a married man, wealthy, adult, with a car and money - I want to get him and tie him to me. They are not shy about declaring this publicly! I ask my guy friends who are married, they say: “Girls don’t shun anything, they openly pester you, they think that this is in the order of things!”

Now my priorities have changed, I have made it a principle - I turn off married people. And they very often make all sorts of offers of a light nature - I categorically refuse. Straightaway. Moreover, in the avatar he stands with his wife in an embrace: a loving husband and father of the family, all positive. And he writes to me: “Would you like to meet, beauty?” I write back to him: “Say hello to your wife!” He replies: “Come on, you can think about it!” My former lover probably felt the same way about it: “Just think! What's special? Here’s a wife, there’s a mistress – no one bothers anyone!”

I was not a hunter of married people. We met in a restaurant, he looked like a free man, there was no ring on his hand, he behaved calmly, did not hide. How long does it take to like a person? Two or three days, two or three meetings. And then: “Stop! So are you married? And the song begins: “Everything is bad with us, I’m sleeping in another room, I’m suffering, she doesn’t understand me, we haven’t loved each other for a long time...” And then I find out that his wife and I had children born at the same time. the same time! I thought: “Poor guy, he’s so unhappy in his marriage, I’ll cure him now, bring him back to life.” It happens differently. The man says that he loves his wife and will never leave her, if you want to date and that there are no demands on your part - then go ahead. Sometimes a girl is given a choice. But mine couldn’t leave his wife supposedly because of the children. I didn't want them to grow up without a father. And my daughter ends up growing up without a father - and he doesn’t care.

For some reason, as a rule, everything about these men—married men—is perfect. My lover courted me very persistently: he was courteous, cheerful, and attentive. And then he doesn’t pick up the phone, or he leaves somewhere without warning. Ideality disappears, and you realize that you are, in general, a toy in the hands of a man. Yes, my favorite, but it’s a toy. And you have already become attached, accustomed to this relationship, he is part of your life, and the terrible truth is revealed to you that you are in deep trouble.

I immediately told myself that I would not break up my family. Because I understood perfectly well that if he abandoned one family, it means he would abandon another, and that, no matter how trivial it may sound, you cannot build happiness on someone else’s misfortune. And I tried everything to do so as not to disturb anyone, so that that family would not find out anything. I didn’t have any remorse, I said to myself: “Well, it so happened that he was a family man, well, what can you do now, we’ll be together, fate has given us so much.”

Was it love? Then it seemed that yes. Now I think: “Ugh!”, maybe because we broke up badly. And then - you can’t say that it was some kind of dizzying love, but I liked the way he treated me, how he took care of me, I liked communicating with an adult man, it flattered me. He rented an apartment for me, and for me it was the first experience of independent living and freedom from my parents. He gave me money, gave me gifts - it was a beautiful, fulfilling relationship. Jealousy didn’t torment me either, because I was sure that he didn’t sleep with his wife and I was his only one.

When I found out that I was pregnant, I immediately felt that he would not be happy about it. He came to our apartment after work, and at dinner I said: “You know, I didn’t expect it myself, but I’m pregnant.” The fact is that I thought that I couldn’t have children at all. A few years earlier, I had undergone one operation after inflammation, and the question was whether I would even be able to become a mother. We lived for a year without any protection, and now this is news! I came for an ultrasound, saw my arms and legs, listened to my heart beat, and was in seventh heaven. I decided for myself that no matter how he reacted, it is his right, I don’t care, I will leave the child. That’s why I told him: “I’m sorry, but I’m pregnant.” The first thing he asked was: “Do you need money for an abortion?” I said: “No, I don’t need money for an abortion, I won’t have one.” And then it began: “Why do you need this, where is your child now, and you’re still giving birth, you understand, I won’t be able to fully participate...” At first he was calm, then he switched to a raised tone, then with obscenities: “I I didn't ask you! What the heck? You did this on purpose!” He left, slamming the door, very angry.

He never came again. And he didn't call. I was crushed, I was in a lot of pain. Then for a long time (while I was pregnant and walking with the baby), when I saw couples in love kissing on the street, I had one thought: “And then she will get pregnant, and he will leave her.” At first I expected him to cool down and call, but this did not happen. I myself didn’t call out of pride, and then why? The man said everything. I thought: “I’m about to give birth, he will still want to see our child!” It was not physically difficult to be pregnant; I walked easily. But it immediately became more difficult financially: I had to pay for the apartment, there were difficulties with work, I took home transfers. Already in the maternity hospital, when I took my newborn daughter in my arms for the first time, I called him and said: “I wanted to tell you the news - your daughter was born.” He said indifferently: “Mmm... Congratulations. Anything else?" I answered that, in general, that’s all. He said: “Well, bye then,” and hung up.

My parents supported me a lot. Despite the fact that in our culture it is considered unacceptable for a girl to give birth without a husband, they took my side. When I told my mother that I was expecting a child, my mother also suggested not to spoil my fate, saying that if you give birth again, you must first get married. But I said: “Mom! I heard his heart beating, now I still won’t be able to!” And she understood me. And somehow I correctly explained everything to my father, I returned to them and began to live with my family again. The fact that my child’s father is married was not discussed with my parents at all; they avoided the topic. My parents are so correct, they probably didn’t even know what to say. They simply understood that something bad had happened to their daughter and they needed help. And when I brought my daughter home, laid her on my bed, where I slept alone for many years (I’m talking now - and I’m getting goosebumps!), I had such an indescribable feeling! This was true love, happiness, it just covered me with some kind of warm dome. This crossed out all the unpleasant things, erased all the grievances, all the anger. And the harsh everyday life began.

In the first months of her life, my daughter had health problems, I needed to find out what illnesses her relatives had, and about six months later I called him again. He answered the phone, answered all the questions, we started talking, and I dared to say that it was difficult for me and asked him for money. He yelled at me that I wanted to tie him up, sit on his neck, and take money out of him. Since I didn't want anything like that, I just hung up. And the next day his driver brought me three hundred bucks. From the driver I learned that my ex also had a child. Two weeks apart from my daughter. And, oddly enough, this news helped me a lot. All my hopes, the love for him that perhaps still remained, the fear that he would not return or would return and I would no longer want to accept him - all this immediately disappeared. I was completely freed from the past and became a clean white sheet. There was nothing painful left, no memories, just us - me and my daughter.

Now we are getting ready for school. The daughter began to ask who her father was. I decided right away that I would only say good things about my father to my child. Moreover, according to my legend, he died, and they don’t speak badly about the dead. Our dad died heroically in the fight against bandits. No bodies were found. No questions. But he was a wonderful person, he played sports, he had many friends, he was simply a standard of decency. How to raise a child without a father? Yes, sometimes it’s hard. But my parents compensate for my father’s deficiency, in this sense I am very lucky.

I have five saved children to my credit. Like attracts like, and I always come across girls pregnant by married people. And they, of course, face this terrible choice - to have an abortion or not. I persuaded five people to keep the child. She explained that everything is surmountable, any difficulties can be overcome, but the child already exists and he has the right to life. We call each other and meet with them sometimes. They are sure that they did the right thing by leaving the child. Of course, it's better to think about it before rather than after. But if it does happen, then you can’t kill the child.

My personal experience did not affect my attitude towards men, I did not transfer this to the entire male gender and did not start thinking: “They are all assholes.” But my attitude towards family life has changed a lot. I do not want to get married. I'm afraid to get married. Because I know too well how men can lie and lead a double life. I have never seen my husband’s wife, nor have I looked for her photos on the Internet. But I know who she is. And I think, here is a woman living, probably happily married, and her husband has a child on his side. This is terrible.

When my daughter grows up, I will tell her: “Daughter! If you ever meet a married man and you think you like him, run from him like the fire. Be patient, get over it, but don’t let yourself fall in love with him!” This is the only correct way - not to approach. And who already has relationships with married people... It is impossible to persuade a girl to give up the benefits that such relationships promise. On the contrary, they brag and post stacks of photos on Instagram, like look: he took me to Dubai.

In general, there is no point in working with those who are already “there”. But to young girls who are still single and are now looking for a partner, I wholeheartedly advise: on the first day of meeting them, ask: “Are you married?” They lie, of course, that no, but I found my formula for this “no”. I immediately see married people - they are well-groomed, well-fed and happy with life. And I tell them: “You just said that you have neither a wife nor children. And if the Almighty hears and thinks, well, a person thinks that he has no wife and children, he doesn’t value them, then he can take them. And he will take them from you - are you ready? They have fear in their eyes, which forces them to tell the truth. And if you are married, immediately get it clearly in your head - he is not your match.

By the way, I recently met the father of my daughter by chance. He became pious and grew a beard. We talked like neighbors; he was leaving the mosque. I said: “Why do you go to the mosque? Just ask me for forgiveness, and all your sins will be forgiven for you.”